Well, I've been on bedrest now for a little over a week and we are still going strong! I've personally found bedrest to be a pretty big roller coaster emotionally which I'll talk about in a bit. First though, let me update everyone.
We went back to the doctor on Friday to recheck the fluid amongst other things. Last time it was 9.0 and this time it was 10.3, which wasn't a huge increase but it was an increase! For that reason I got to come back home and remain on bedrest instead of being admitted to the hospital. Bedrest and drinking lots of fluids works for low fluid (as I understand it) because it allows the blood flow to be focused on going to the baby instead of going to other areas like your legs or arms.
Knowing he is safe and sound tempers everything else so I won't say the "bad" news but the less easy-to-swallow news was that I'll be on bedrest till James David is born. Additionally, she confirmed that a c-section was definitely going to be my final destination in terms of delivery because he was still bottom down with his feet over his head and there is no room for movement at this point. She told us that while some people are able to manipulate the baby's position from the exterior successfully I wasn't a candidate for that.
I am currently 30 weeks along so we are making great progress! Matt and I were chuckling the other day because we were looking at the 10 week ultrasound of a friend who is expecting and we got out James David's 10 week ultrasound...WOW! We didn't realize how little space he had compared to other "normal" babies!! It was dramatic and very enlightening and pretty humorous too just to see it.
As for bedrest, well, let's just say there are good days and bad days! I can't believe how amazing Matt has been, balancing taking care of Ellie and me while also working from home! I always knew he had superhero powers but this challenge has really highlighted how awesome he is. I can't picture anyone else doing it all but he is AND making it look easy in the process! That alone has made a world of difference because I don't feel guilty about laying around constantly. He doesn't ever seem frustrated or put out or stressed or anything which releases me to do what I need to do...nothing.
That being said, I'm an extrovert. I love people and get energy from being around people. So being away from everyone constantly is very difficult. On good days I'm discontent to be so isolated and on bad days I'm down right depressed :) It's hard, I won't lie. The hardest part though is keeping perspective. I know that I have a healthy baby and that being on bedrest is protecting him. For that I am SO grateful.
But there are a lot of emotions that accompany all this do-nothing-ness. And those are hard. They're the ones that say I wish this was just over. I'm tired of feeling blah because I can't be up and around. I miss being momma to my little girl. I miss being a wife to the man I love more than words can express. I miss seeing my friends and hanging out or going to lunch. I miss going for a walk outside and looking at the flowers with Ellie or checking on the trees we planted this spring. I want to cook because I love to cook! I want to go to church and see and talk to the people who have been a part of my life for almost 7 years.
I could go on and on and in the process throw a major pity party. I could even take it back to why did God make me this way? Why can't pregnancy be a time of joy and celebration instead of stress and uncertainty? Why can't I carry to 40 weeks and have a normal birthing experience without all the emotion of NICU stays? I can go there.
Truth be told, we've all probably had things happen to us in life where we can go there. Isn't it tempting too? To take all the stuff and dwell on it and twist it all to where it's really just God's fault? After all he's GOD. By definition He could do something. Why doesn't He? Where is God when it hurts?
I'll be upfront, that's a great question and a tough question and one I don't have time to answer here. Truthfully, I could give you some thoughts to ponder but you'd probably still have questions. I know I do. Here's the one thing I will say. The stress, the angst, the emotions that accompany a trial are not indicative of God's shortcomings but of mine.
Because I have a personal relationship with God I know His love, His peace, His hope. I have complete access to all of His attributes. If I'm in a perpetual state of stress over this pregnancy then I am the one who isn't trusting Him. If I'm constantly afraid then I am the one who isn't surrendering to Him and embracing His peace. If I'm filled with sorrow, it's on me because He will give me comfort!
Not that there isn't a time and place for all of those emotions, Jesus himself experienced the whole gauntlet of human emotion. God gave us emotion so I'm not downplaying that. But before I go blaming Him for all my difficulty I need to remember that He has already given me the solution to my pain. Jesus is the answer to all of our pain. Jesus was often called Emmanuel which means "God With Us". Where is God? He's here and He knows.
When I embrace His perspective then all those crazy emotions fade away. It still isn't easy, I won't lie. But I remember the purpose of this time. I have an opportunity to keep my son safe so he can grow and develop. How many women who had their children early would have given anything for this very opportunity?! Or what about the women who lost their babies because they were born too early? I bet they would have given anything for bedrest to have been an effective measure to save their baby. How humbling. When I remember all of this I'm ashamed of how discontent and even resentful I've felt regarding bedrest. I find myself begging God for forgiveness for my arrogance.
So...how am I doing on bedrest? Amazing. Just amazing.
