Thanks L'Oreal, it's a great tag line!

I have an unspoken rule when it comes to answering queries about being a parent. I decided a long time ago that I was going to be honest... gut wrenching, dead honest. I felt like in my childless days most people I talked to about having kids really romanticized the idea. They talked about how awesome it was to see this little person walking around with his eyes and her nose. About how much they loved being a mom or a dad, about how your life wasn't complete until you had a kid (whether you knew it was incomplete before or not varied). Then they'd usually throw out one small caveat, "You'll be tired but..." or "It's hard but...", just this one little hardship in parenting couched in otherwise awesome, amazing experiences.

Then I had a kid. And I distinctly remember thinking, "What is wrong with me that I am not awed, amazed or inspired by this experience thus far?". I don't begrudge those who would romanticize the whole having a baby/toddler experience. I get it...if you told the truth people  might never have kids! Technically the future of the human race depends on these rose-colored glasses. But while I understood the necessity of these white lies I decided that perpetuating these fables wasn't for me.

So, I started being honest. I blogged my honest feelings and thoughts and struggles too. I had conversations with people that didn't hide the hardship that accompanies being a parent. I didn't just say I was tired...I said I was exhausted and ready to curl up into the fetal position and cry. I gave voice to my frustrations with routines and losing all freedom and individuality to a six pound, twenty pound and now 25 pound tyrant. I shared about how getting a shower every other day was a huge accomplishment, how all my shirts are stretched out from little fingers pulling and tugging, how I haven't peed in privacy in who knows how long...the list could go on and on!

What I discovered was that by being authentic about my mommy identity crisis I actually encouraged other new moms. We all thought we were broken for struggling and turns out...we all struggle. I love that. I love that we can encourage each other and cry with each other and hug each other. While initially insecurity surfaced from being a new mom I quickly found solidarity with other moms who were experiencing the exact same thing. And that gave me confidence, it absolutely helped me be a better mom.  

The struggle lie with the people who might look at that honest and view it as complaining. Finding a balance was hard and I really wanted to get it right and articulate it well.  That's when it hit me. Analogy time: Let's say that you were once 450 lbs. and you worked your tail off to lose 300 lbs. CONGRATULATIONS! Talk about a huge deal! Would you walk around telling people, "It was so easy!"? Of course not. Because 1. it wasn't easy, you had to work your booty off and 2. because that would devalue your accomplishment. 

Draw the parallel with me people.  Having kids is not easy. It's hard, hard, HARD work. And I'm 100% okay letting you know how difficult it is because my kids are worth it. They are worth every sleepless night. Every snotty nose wiped on my shirt, in my hair, on my face. They are worth every poopy diaper, every extra expense that ruins the budget. They are worth every ruined piece of clothing, every please-let-me-curl-up-into-the-fetal-position-and-cry moment. Every shower-less day. Every I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-ate-a-full-meal second. Every if-I-don't-get-to-have-an-adult-conversation-for-two-seconds-I-will-scream. Every struggle. Every battle. Every worry, every anxiety. WORTH IT. 

So, no. I'm not going to downplay how hard being a mommy is. I value my kids too much to do that. I love them too much to pretend like it's easy or that I always have it under control or that I know what to do every second of every day. It's not and I don't. And they are worth every second. 

Now, I could end here. Good pep-talk Jen! But I'm not finished.  As I was thinking about how high the price is to be a parent and about how that demonstrates the value of my children to me I started thinking about God.  Have you ever found yourself downplaying the sacrifice that God made for us in sending His son (His one and only) to die for us? I have. Or maybe you just downplay how desperately we needed His sacrifice. I've done that too.

I mean, I'm not that big of a sinner. Sure, I struggle with pride and jealousy and anger and lying and a slew of other heart issues but I'm not a murderer or anything. I could be a lot worse. Jesus really came to die for those super bad people. Know what? If you really want to know how deeply God loves you, understand the magnitude, the impact, of your sins. Jesus' death on the cross was exceptionally painful. His separation from God so that we could connect with God was almost unbearable. But He did it. For you. Because, to God, you are worth it. Worth every drop of blood, every painful moment. Worth it. If that doesn't leave you a little awed...I don't know what will.

Now, Ellie and James aren't worth it to me because of all the stuff they do for me. As cute as they are I loved them when they couldn't do anything, literally, on their own. Their actions don't cause me to love them more...or less. That's because my love isn't based on their behavior. Similarly, God doesn't love us because of what we can do for Him. Nothing you do can ever make Him love you more. Thankfully, it works the opposite way too! God's love doesn't change or disappear because of the mistakes we've made either. We are valuable to God because God chose us to love. And His sacrifice illustrates perfectly how "worth it" you are to Him. 

These faces...

 

 WORTH.

IT.

God thinks you are too.

Cheering for the good guys!

A friend works with assessing and assisting the development of children and I recently had the privilege of having her in our home to play with James and Ellie, have them assessed and see how they are developing. I honestly wasn't sure what to expect but it impacted me in a way I did not anticipate.

In our short time together Amy identified and complimented me on several specific things she thought I was doing great at as a mom. I'll be honest, 9 out of 10 days I feel like I'm doing nothing great as a mom! So to have her take a look inside our day to day lives and walk away saying, "Good job mom!" made me feel like a million bucks. Since those playdates I have felt more competent and confident as a mother. All because one person took a little time and invested in me.

That got me thinking. Amy's words were like water to a parched traveler, it was so refreshing and energizing to be affirmed as "mommy" and I bet that's true for a lot of  beginner moms. I found myself thinking, I wonder if my words could offer that kind of encouragement to a new mom. The more I thought about it the more I realized that we all have the power to make a new mom feel like supermom...we just don't probably think about it or maybe we just don't communicate it in a way that is obvious to the other person.

As my kids grow older I already find myself falling into unhelpful habits. When a new mom talks about her struggle with getting baby to sleep I grab the cliched, "We've all been there!" or maybe a "That's life as a mom!" instead of saying, "That's a tough situation but you are handling it great! You are doing an awesome job!". Encouraging new mom isn't complicated, it just requires a little intentionality.  Lest I forget what it is like to be a new mom I decided to make a list of things you can do to help new mom feel encouraged and competent.

1. Let your only comment be a compliment. The more specific the better. Skip over the explanation of why you would never let your child do that. Don't ask if new mom was aware that their baby has a runny nose. Definitely don't ask if new mom knows that the poorest quality of vegetables are what is used to make baby food or that her adorable crib bumper is going to suffocate the baby. I know you think that child is so ridiculously spoiled but instead just smile and say (sincerely, please), "She sure does love her momma! You must be doing a pretty amazing job for her to be so content with you."  You've never seen such a rotund baby? "You are doing a great job making sure he gets enough nutrition! I know it's not easy to breastfeed, good for you!"

2. Treat new mom like an expert mom. You've raised 5 kids of your own and a dozen grandbabies. You know how to feed a baby a bottle or swaddle them or do anything else. But, nothing makes new mom feel competent faster than when you ask for their help. I remember being at an event with several veteran moms and one asked to feed Ellie her bottle. Now, Ellie had severe colic plus acid reflux and there was a certain "way" to feed her per the doctor. I handed her over and began to give instruction on how to give her bottle and was promptly told, in a teasing way, that veteran mom knows how to feed a baby. What did that communicate? I definitely didn't walk away feeling competent. I felt foolish. It won't kill you to ask new mom, "Is this how you swaddle her?" or, "He's being a little fussy, what do you think I should do?". I know that you know what to do. But when you treat new mom like an expert mom her confidence grows.

3. Keep including new mom. Listen, a new mom has a million huge changes thrown at her at once. Two of the hardest ones being a loss of freedom and identity. I know that you are thinking I don't want to bother her by asking if she wants to do XYZ. But she needs you to ask her to do XYZ! She may say no even, but just knowing that she is still valued as a friend, a sister, a daughter, a daughter-in-law whatever is so important! Asking new mom to go to lunch with 2 kids in tow may seem like it would be too much trouble but doing so communicates, "You still matter to me. I know a huge part of your identity has been taken over by "mom" but I still care about you and love you as a person.". Don't be afraid to accommodate the fact that new mom now has kids! My friend Makenzie asks us each week to a picnic lunch at the park. Ellie plays on the slide, I get to feel like a person...everyone wins!

4.  Respect new moms knowledge. New mom may not have successfully raised 3 kids but they know their child...after all, they're with them 24/7! If they ask you to do something don't assume you know better and ignore it. Respect new moms knowledge and follow through on whatever the request was. Joyce was one of Ellie's caretakers at our church. I can't put into words what an enormous impact she had on both Ellie and myself. Why? Because she listened to me and respected my knowledge of Ellie. Joyce understood that Ellie had a very particular temperament. She didn't argue with me about whether I was right or not. She didn't nod her head and as soon as I was gone ignore what I had said. She didn't say, "She'll stop crying eventually.". She respected me as new mom and the knowledge I had of Ellie and her needs which went a long way in building my confidence. To date Joyce is still one of the people I seek out regularly for advice, she respected my knowledge early on and now she has my utmost respect and trust.

5. Never judge new mom. When Ellie was first born she came home for 2 days and then was admitted to the NICU for high jaundice levels. I still remember the moment we got the phone call. Matt and I were at Sam's Club getting groceries...we left a cartful of groceries sitting in aisle 3 as we rushed to Western Baptist. For 3 days she stayed under the super lights before being allowed back home to continue light therapy. It was a Saturday night and she screamed and cried the whole night as we struggled to keep her in the bed under the lights. To date I can't talk about that time without crying.  Two weeks after that she became colicky culminating in day and night screaming while I tried to eliminate all dairy products and waited for the acid reflux medicine to kick in. That was a hard time. Beyond hard. Here was this baby I loved more than life itself who I simultaneously desperately wanted to shut up. As I tried to talk through all the emotions and the struggles I was having with friends I found no support. They didn't have my experiences and they just couldn't understand. Try as they might I knew they thought I was screwing this up royally. Lacking any of the support of the first four things listed I faced failure like I'd never experienced. I'm so grateful that God chose that time to come alongside me and help me make it through. Because He was all I had. Veteran moms, friends of new mom, family of new mom...you do not know what new mom is facing. Every woman's struggle is unique to her. So before you jump on a judging bandwagon...stop. Believe the best in her even when she doesn't. Tell her how proud you are of her because this mothering thing is HARD. Let her know you see what she's doing and you think she is amazing. Help her see she is not a monster for struggling. Give her a hug. Send her a note. Offer to come help around the house. Whatever. Just don't judge her. Because we are all her.

 If you are like me the one question I found myself asking over and over was and still is, "Am I screwing this up?"  I love these two little kiddos that God has given me more than words can express and I cannot bear the thought of them growing up not knowing momma loves me, momma is proud of me, momma believes in me. Do you ever feel that pressure to? That desperate prayer, "God, I know I'm screwing this up left and right but please just make sure they know I love them."? Me too. So what do you say we partner together? Let's encourage each other, support each other, believe in each other. New moms, rally around each other! No one can commiserate better than someone who is in the thick of it right beside you. Veteran moms, we want to be you. So lend us your experience, encourage us, tell us what a great job you think we're doing! Who knows, we might even ask you for some advice ;)

I'd like to end with this: 

"The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children."  

(Jessica Lange)

Jessica Lange

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jessicalan364785.html#BWogk2lOi4DQ0

Compari-sin

I have been affectionately dubbed, "The World's Slowest Eater" by friends and family alike. There might be some truth to the name...I can't help it. I enjoy food too much! Matt has accused me of thinking about food, good food mind you, a little too much. Guilty.  I have been known to dream of key lime pie or a really good cup of coffee. And once it arrives I have to savor every bite.  The fact that I talk a lot doesn't really help my cause though. Either way, it's normal for me to still be eating while everyone around me is finished.

Interestingly, I don't just do this with food. I also like to take my time and mull over ideas and challenges I might be facing. Some call it over thinking...I like to call it doing an in depth analysis :)  Matt did a series this past summer on comparison...and you guessed it, ever since then I've been mulling over this whole concept and am not even finished yet! I started on what I thought was a simple, straight forward journey only to discover myself like Alice tumbling down a rabbit hole.

Comparison is so completely ingrained into our brains that unless you really spend sometime paying attention to it, you may not realize how often it occurs. Facebook is jam packed full of comparison opportunities!  Friend A is on vacation in Florida. Friend B just bought a new car. Friend C is having awesome quiet times with God. Friend D is pregnant. Friend E is losing weight. Friend F (who is really more of an acquaintance) has the coolest selfies ever!! How does she do that?!

The bottom line of the series Matt did was, "There is no win in comparison.". Brilliant. Convicting, but brilliant just the same. See, whether we mean to or not, when we start comparing someone loses. Either you decide that you win (your vacation is in fact cooler, your selfie is better and you are winning!) so the other person loses. OR, you decide that you lose (your life is just not as cool as theirs). You are either creating pride in yourself or insecurity. But either way, you lose.

As I became increasingly aware of my comparison crutch I realized how often my mood depended on my "rank". Weight is a great example. In January Matt and I made the decision to stop eating processed foods on the whole. We still eat them some, don't judge us. Take out the sugar and take out the dairy and voila! Weight starts falling off. Hooray, I think! I'm pumped that I'm sticking to our new commitment to healthier foods, I'm proud of myself for making this change, even though it isn't easy and yes, I'm psyched to be dropping poundage. That is until a friend tells me how much weight she's lost. And it's more than me. Wah-wah-waaaah!!! Suddenly, the air goes out of my balloon. I compared and I lost.

I'll give you another example. Pregnancy for me was, with both children, hard. With Ellie, we just didn't know anything about the uterus she was in and whether it would carry well or not. With James, we knew the uterus he was in was small and that there was a high likelihood of him being very premature and possibly not surviving. I always wanted the fun, relaxing pregnancy I thought others had. I wanted it to be a joyful time of celebration not a stressful time of learning to trust God and grow. But it was. And, just for the record, now I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now being the key word. Then? Not so much. I watched other women have these normal pregnancies, normal babies, normal adjustment periods to bringing babies home and I would get so angry that I couldn't have that experience. I compared and I lost.

*Sigh* See, comparison leads to sin. Always. It leads to jealousy. It leads to resentment. It leads to discontentment. It leads to pride. It leads to insecurity. It leads to so many yucky, hard to pull out sins. And it is SO sneaky!!  I saw an article the other day about celebrities DE-photoshopped. One of those, here they are all magazine perfect and here they are really (complete with cellulite, or saggy skin or less than perfect breasts, whatever).  I read it and without realizing it I found myself thinking, "See? They're no better than me! They just have photoshop!". That's what comparison does, it brings the other person down so I can feel superior...or at least equal. 

So, what's the answer? It's really quite simple, but notice I did not say easy. Those are two very different things. I actually learned the solution from my non-verbal communications professor at SIUC. He said one of the biggest mistakes we make is to think in terms of 'either/or'. The answer is either A or B. I am either better or worse. You get the idea. Instead he suggested that we think in terms of BOTH. 

She is beautiful. I am beautiful. We are both beautiful.

She chose to return to work post baby. I chose to stay home post baby. We are both good mommies.

She runs 4 miles a day. I walk around the block. We are both trying to be healthy.

She is smart. I am smart. We are both smart.

See, your accomplishments don't have to diminish another person. And their accomplishments don't have to diminish you.  They can be more organized than you are without you being less than them. You can be more ambitious than they are without them being less than you. So you have a college degree and they didn't finish high school. Big deal, you're both still good, smart, capable people. She paints her nails and loves getting dolled up and you rarely venture out of your pajamas. So what? You're both still amazing women. You like sports and she doesn't. Okay. Good for both of you! 

God made us each to be unique and distinct, not carbon copies of each other. And that's what comparing brings us down to. Comparing assumes that there is a right way and wrong way to be. And there just isn't. Italian food isn't better than Mexican food. Running isn't better than kickboxing. Blue isn't better than green. Coffee isn't better than tea. We are what we are and we are all good. Celebrate it! Celebrate you, celebrate them, just have a big 'ole party up in here!

Next time you find yourself pulling rank on another person, stop. You are both of great value. In fact, Jesus taught that you are so valuable (each and every person!) that God sent his one and only Son to die on the cross for you. For me. All so we could have a relationship with our Creator. God isn't comparing you to anyone because He only ever created you to be you. So...BE YOU...it's one comparison you're guaranteed to win every time ;)

If you're melancholy and you know it clap your hands (although you probably won't because that calls way too much attention to yourself)!

I have not posted in what feels like forever. Mostly because every time I would go to write something I would remember that I had promised posts on personalities and then I would get into a "I'm such a bad blogger" funk that I would then continue to not write. Ever been there? Maybe not in terms of a blog but as a friend, a wife/husband, a sister/brother, mom/dad, student...it could be a long list. It's that moment when our minds become our prison and we are paralyzed by our bad-ness so we continue to do nothing. Some of you aren't wired that way so you're sitting there thinking, "Oh for Pete's sake! Just DO something!". Others are already drudging up every moment in your life where you felt overwhelmed with failure. It's all in how you're programmed, I suppose that's why I love learning about how God wired us.

Every personality has it's struggles. No one "type" is better than another and each person has their own mental prison. It looks different for everyone. But here's what I know, God did not intend for any of us to have to live in that mental prison. He did not intend for there to be relational conflict caused by our differences. That's all something that happened when sin entered the world. Which sucks but since it's reality the best thing we can do is work to continually understand each other. We won't always agree...after all understanding is not synonymous with agreement. But it does cultivate respect for each other, love for each other and most definitely peace within ourselves.  It allows us to take off the victim hat (I must have done something or be something wrong for them to have responded that way) and be secure in ourselves knowing their response has nothing to do with us, it has to do with them.

Most people are a blend of 2 personalities but we are going to kick off with the individual types and then we'll get to blends later. We're going to start with the melancholy personality.  I should issue a warning though...no one likes to be placed in a box but melancholy's especially don't like it. So, if you're reading this and you're already offended that I would even try to place you into a group without even knowing you (keeping in mind that you would probably say no one really knows you)...you're probably a melancholy :)

The title melancholy is a little misleading.  It sounds so...down. But the reality is that the name melancholy actually references your deep emotions. Whether you express them or not you feel a lot.  As you'll find with all personalities your greatest gift can also be your greatest enemy.  Your ability to feel things deeply makes you incredibly gifted at empathy.  If you aren't careful, a little too good at empathy. When a friend suffers a loss, your empathy can be a tremendous gift to your friend...but when you start acting as though you suffered the loss...well you can see how it can be taking things a little too far!

When those emotions take control you can't even watch the evening news without walking away in a funk. The question is always, who is in control here? When you control your emotions, your ability to connect with feelings is beautiful. When your emotions control you, it's hard to function.  You are at the mercy of your whims...up for a period of time and then crashing for a period of time. You can't move beyond relational conflict, no one "understands" you, martyrdom is in full force.  Forget forgiveness! You mentally (and probably to all your friends) rehash that argument, that action, that whatever over and over and over again, reliving the hurt. You may say you want to move forward but you keep talking about it. And in some ways, it feels good. The pain is almost like an old friend that comforts you. Move on? Let that person get away with that? Clearly you don't understand the depth of the pain they inflicted! They hurt me! Truly forgiveness is difficult for melancholies.

So, we know now that you feel deeply in a way that can be a great blessing...or a curse, all depending on how you use it. What else do we know? Melancholies are very meticulous and generally a perfectionist. This looks different though for the two different types of melancholies. Some are outwardly organized and some are inwardly organized.

The outwardly meticulous melancholy is probably an accountant or some other equally detailed job. They love order and routine. They believe there is a right way and a wrong way to do things therefore how you do something matters (because it's either right or wrong). They may iron their jeans. They need a clean space to function well.

The inwardly meticulous melancholy is probably an artist or a musician or something truly creative. They may look messy and not put together at all but in their mind they have every detail worked out. It's what allows an artist to paint or draw so well...they've already planned out every step of how to get to the finished product. They have a process, a routine, an order that makes total sense to them even if it doesn't to anyone else. They do things a certain way because they believe it is the right way (even if only for themselves).

A melancholy does not produce shoddy work. They may take a long time to get something done (because it has to be just right) but you can count on a quality product when finished.  If for some reason they do submit something below standards you can be guaranteed they are frustrated/angry that they did. Although they probably won't tell you that because melancholies generally think and feel much more than they speak. 

As you can imagine, the burden to always be perfect or right can be a tough one to carry. So, melancholies can seem overly serious and have a hard time lightening up. But they appreciate the beauty of the world like no one else. Nature, art, music, a good book...these things all carry so much more meaning to a melancholy.

Ever seen the movie City of Angels with Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan? There is a scene where all the "angels" gather at the ocean at sun rise because they hear the most beautiful music with every sun rise. Melancholies are like that. The level of appreciation they feel for nature (like a sunrise) or for a painting or a good song or a brilliant novel is unmatched. 

Here are the cliff notes on our friends the beautiful melancholy:

At their best a melancholy is...

- Empathetic

- Organized

- Striving for excellence

- Appreciative

At their worst a melancholy is...

- Easily depressed

- Nit picky

- Perfectionist

-Unforgiving

*Please note, all references to "depression" are not referring to the medical condition, rather they are describing a temporary emotional state.

Let's get personal!

If you've ever met me chances are that you know I have a thing for personalities. Some might call it an obsession ;)  The truth is that I want more than anything for people to feel valued. If I could accomplish one thing in my life, if people had to say one thing about me at my funeral, I would hope it would be, "She made me feel valuable." 

Growing up I never felt that way which I think is a pretty normal experience for elementary/middle school/high school students. Like a lot of kids I got made fun of quite a bit. I'm sure the afro, coke bottle glasses, lisp and nervous tic didn't help my situation much. Top it off with a loud mouth and I was kind of doomed to be picked on. If there was one thing I walked away from those years believing it was that I didn't want to ever make other people feel like they were as worthless as I often felt.

Here's how all that ties into personalities. Feeling understood is a huge part of the battle to feeling valued, to feeling like you are not alone. Misunderstanding fuels conflict and isolation.  But, believe it or not, everyone doesn't think like you! We are all wired in special and unique ways with certain gifts and abilities that aren't like anyone else. As you can imagine, being so different can definitely make communication difficult. You say one thing but because of my life experiences and natural wiring I hear something totally different! How can we possibly expect to understand others and be understood with such a huge gap between us? 

That's where personalities come into play. I believe that having a basic understanding of the general temperaments of people gives us an excellent starting point to connecting well with others. Obviously these temperaments are general so you'll still have to put in some leg work to truly know a person. But this knowledge gives you a head start so to speak. Not sure? Here's some examples:

In the workplace:

Perception:  Your boss never asks you how you are or what is going on in your life. Their e-mails are always direct and to the point, everything feels like an order. Most of the time they don't even say, "Please" or "Thank you" much less "Hi!". You're pretty sure, at best, they think you're incompetent and at worst, hate your guts.

Reality: Your boss is probably just a Powerful Choleric personality. They don't like to take time for common courtesies or socializing especially at work. Never take them personal, just give them the facts as quickly and concisely as possible.

In your marriage:

Perception: Your spouse forgets everything! You ask them to pick up milk on the way home. They forget. You tell them your family is coming in to visit and you need help picking up the house. They forget and then dilly dally around instead of cleaning! You come home from work and all they want to do is talk, talk, talk about crazy long stories you doubt are even true. They never seem to take anything seriously and you often feel disrespected and resentful.

Reality: Your spouse is probably just a Popular Sanguine personality. They love people but are so naturally present minded they forget everything they're supposed to do in the future. They are having way too much fun to be repentant for too long.

In your family:

Perception: Your child is struggling in school. They take forever to do their homework and always just seem to move so slow. You encourage them to run for class office, be on a sports team, just do something! But they show little ambition even if you get them to join! You hate to admit it but you secretly think they're just lazy. Where's their sense of urgency?!

Reality: Your child is probably just a Peaceful Phlegmatic personality. They are calm, laid back and pretty content with life as it is. They make amazing listeners but being president of the united states probably won't be their dream (regardless of whether they have the ability or not), they'd just assume let someone else do it.

In your friendships:

Perception: Your friend is always so particular. About everything. They even iron their jeans for Pete's sake! Organization is their middle name. You always have to watch what you say because even the most innocent comments might be turned into drama. They're just sensitive and pretty moody. You secretly want to tell them to lighten up and not take life so seriously!

Reality: Your friend is probably just a  Perfect Melancholy personality. They feel emotions deeply although they might not show them outwardly. They are perfectionists and often very artistically driven and organized.

Hopefully you're starting to see my point. My goal is to do a series of 4 blog posts, one about each personality, in hopes that it'll help you in some way to better understand the people around you. Self-awareness is crucial to good communication and good communication is crucial to strong relationships and strong relationships are crucial to the human existence. Deep down all of want to be known by someone. God made us that way, with a desire to feel connected to one another. Maybe this will help you do just that!

So here's what I want you to do: Click on the link below and take the quick 5 minute personality profile (it's free, no e-mail required etc.!).  Here’s what I want you to keep in mind as you’re completing this quiz:

1. Connotation can quickly distort the results of any subjective test like this one, so definitions have been provided for each word.  Read these definitions carefully before selecting which word best describes you or you may wind up with some weird results.
2. There’s always an exception.  “I’m not disorganized, I mean have you seen my baseball card collection?”  Never mind that every other aspect of your life is disorganized, that baseball card collection cancels it all out. Ignore the exception and focus on the majority. 
3.  Ask your family and friends for help.  You may think you’re super laid back but they might disagree.  Don’t get defensive.  We aren’t always as self-aware as we’d like to think and again it’ll only improve the accuracy of your results. 
4.  Don’t mistakenly choose your abilities over how you are naturally wired.  You might have the gift of gab but if you aren’t ENERGIZED by talking and interacting with others then it’s not your personality.  Ask yourself, “Does it energize me or exhaust me?” 
5. Finally, when in doubt, think back to your childhood.  As we grow older we gain more and more adaptive behaviors that can distort our natural personalities.  Going back to your childhood will give you an idea of who you were before there was too much influence on you.

Once you've taken the quiz make a note about what personality you came up with, I'll be blogging about one in each of my next 4 posts. Encourage your friends, family, spouse and the garbage man to participate with you, it'll make for a great conversation starter :)

Ready...Set...GO!

TAKE THE TEST NOW (CLICK HERE)!

A big pile of Do-Do...

It's been a long time since I last wrote mostly because I have been wrestling with an issue for quite awhile. Generally I try to have it at least clear in my mind before I will blog about it but this one has been such a doozy that I'm still not sure I know exactly how to articulate it! But I am determined to try.

Several weeks back I posted a status on Facebook that read, "Family is more important than work. But work makes me feel more important than my family...". What I simply meant is that when I spend my day taking care of my kids and raising them to love people and love God there is no immediate reward. At the end of the day no one looks at me and says, "Way to knock that one out of the park momma!" Ellie doesn't look at me and say, "Thank you for changing my diapers and loving me momma.". And if she's anything like me it'll probably take a good 20 years before she realizes all the wonderful things her mother is. 

The work that I do outside of the home however provides me with immediate rewards and benefits and plenty of positive feedback. My clients pay me cash for the work I do. My supervisor at The Journey frequently encourages me and the job I'm doing. Plus I can make out a to-do list for the work I do outside the home and at the end of the day I have tangible tasks marked off. I feel accomplished, I did something today! My to-do list at home might read:

1. Instill character and integrity into Ellie & James

2. Develop healthy lifestyles for Ellie & James

3. Train Ellie & James on how to be functioning and hopefully thriving members of society

Exactly how am I supposed to measure those on a daily basis?! Raising children feels a bit like walking on water...nothing feels very concrete so it's hard to get your footing! Work outside the home though? Piece of cake. At least in terms of knowing if I'm being successful or not! If I'm failing miserably as music director at The Journey I can guarantee you that my boss will let me know about it. If my clients from Taylor Made Design Co. aren't pleased with my work, they tell me...trust me! 

So, while I know that what I'm doing at home will have a longer lasting impact that is far more important, work outside the home makes me feel more important. And that's where the rub is. One is not about me and the other is all about me. What I do at home, isn't about me. Making Jen feel good is not the priority. Raising children who love people and love God is. At work, it's all about me feeling good. I feel productive, I feel valued, I feel accomplished! Me, me, ME.

What does this ultimately point to? Doing vs. being. Let me tell you another story. A friend recently told me about a position she had read about that required 5-10 hours each week, working from home doing administrative tasks for a very cool company. My first thought? I could do that! 

 WHAT?! Miss 2 kids under the age of 2, runs her own design company and is the music director for The Journey really thinks she has time to do this TOO?! Are you nuts?! But it would be fun! What an opportunity! I know this company would be such a cool place to be associated with and learn from! Translation (after some serious soul searching): Maybe this would be the thing that would finally make me feel valuable. Maybe this will finally prove I'm a somebody. Maybe this will finally fill that empty spot in my heart that no one knows about that keeps wondering, "Am I enough?".

The short answer, by the way, is no. This, like everything else you do, will never answer the question, "Am I enough?". It can't. And if we aren't careful we all will wind up doing our lives away. When I look to my activities and my extracurriculars and my career to answer this question I will always walk away unsure. Because I cannot do enough. There is always MORE.

If that discourages you, friend, I have good news. I can offer you hope because the answer to that question isn't in the doing. It's in the being. You, me, all of us are already enough. Just as we are. We don't have to do anything! For me, this all comes back to God. When I'm running myself haggard trying to do as much as I can it always stems from one of two causes:

1. I'm looking to people and not God for my security 

OR

2. I'm trying to earn God's approval by performing for Him

When I'm focused on what other people think about me, do they think I'm valuable as a person (smart enough, funny enough, good enough), I find myself in a vicious "doing" cycle. I'm trying to impress people and show them what a truly great leader and entrepreneur I am! I want to WOW them with my writing skills because then they'll comment on Facebook about how moved they were by my story and I'll feel valued! I try to sing higher and hold notes longer so they'll all be moved by my talents and abilities. And in the process I'll miss out on any kind of peace or joy. I'll be on a constant roller coaster because my mood depends on the praise and support of fickle people. I'll only feel I matter when I'm getting attention. OUCH.

Sometimes, I flip flop this. I think I can perform well enough for God that He'll bless me more or be proud of me. I'll look at the scripture and say, "I know You say that You love me just as I am but I'm so full of pride that I believe I can impress You, God of the universe, creator of all things.". That's pretty astoundingly arrogant isn't it? Not only to think I would have the ability to impress God but to also think it's okay to call Him a liar, that what He said in the Bible wasn't true. So once again, I'm busy doing. Let me show You what I can do God! You'll want me then!

What's crazy is that God already wants us. All of us. Not for our doing but for our being. He loves Jennifer Lynne Johnson just as I am, not as I do. If I choose to embrace this simple truth then suddenly my life is full of peace and joy and hope! The emotional roller coaster disappears because suddenly I'm anchored in the unchanging, unfailing love of God. I don't have to wear myself out trying to do my way into being "enough". I can rest. I can be the mom He created me to be. I can be the wife He called me to be. I can be the friend, the sister, the daughter. Anchored in this truth I can be everything I was ever created to be...we all can.

In Due Time...

Today is a fun date because it's my official due date!  August 17th...and instead of having a baby I'm loving on my 8 week old at home.  We were only off by a little bit ;)

For those of you who haven't heard, we actually got to bring James David home 2 weeks ago today!  Once they began the countdown (5 days) for no apnea spells he just knocked them out.  Guess he finally decided he wanted to come home.  Since being at home he has been wonderful!  There was a little bit of concern on my part whether he'd have another apnea spell at home and being able to recognize it but thankfully that hasn't been an issue.

I get asked a lot how we are doing.  It's a great question!  After all I have two children under 17 months living under my roof.  The answer is AMAZING!!  I can't get over how truly awesome it has been thus far.  I feel like I always need to qualify my answer to this question with a, "I'm sure that there will be hard days ahead but" because I have loved having 2 children so much.  While it's not easy taking care of everyone and getting up all hours of the night for feedings and such it has been a much simpler experience than I expected.

I truly thought this would be horrific.  Two kids, super close in age...the one thing I heard from people constantly before James was born and they found out how close our kids would be was, "Wow!  You're going to be busy/tired!"and/or "You didn't plan it that way, did you?".  That's a very understandable response.  I thought I was going to be pretty tired too.  In fact, I often joked with Matt that we just needed to be prepared for about 5 years of awful and then it would be over.  We intentionally planned our children to be close together (not 14 months but you get the picture) but we did it knowing it would make for a tough season.  We thought the end goal would be worth it though.

When I prayed for my kids it never crossed my mind to ask that this be a season of joy and fun.  I always prayed to survive!  For strength and mental toughness, that kind of thing.  I felt positive that this would be a season of surviving and not thriving.  I was wrong.  Again, there will be tough days and we are only 14 days into it!  But thus far having two kids under the age of 17 months has been such a joyful time.  I have LOVED being a mother of two.  I don't feel stressed or overwhelmed or in need of rescuing.  I feel blessed and like I'm having the time of my life.

I'll be honest.  I didn't feel that way with just one baby.  Ellie was a major adjustment.  None of my expectations for motherhood came true.  None of my expectations for a baby came true.  It was a tough time for all of us between her surprise NICU stay for jaundice, her colic, her milk protein allergies and everything else.  I struggled daily till she was about 8 months old.  With JD, I've better known what to expect...or just not to expect anything at all!

Ellie is at the most delightful stage, she's exploring everything and she's so curious and adorable...she melts my heart constantly.  Watching her interact with James is so amazing.  She's so gentle with him and just caring.  How she knows that this is her little brother I don't know but she loves him so perfectly.  God has taken what I anticipated to be a season of stress and turned it into a season of joy.  And I am so thankful!

Don't misunderstand.  I'm still tired.  There's still a lot of poop involved.  Showering everyday is a challenge (and one I lose on occasion!).  All of the normal things that happen with a newborn are happening.  But I am so filled with gratitude for my family that all of the tough stuff just gets overshadowed by His grace and mercy.  I always thought it was kind of a silly 'Christian' joke that when God is active in your life even the mundane has purpose.  But I totally get it now.  I may just be changing stinky diapers and reading to a toddler but the joy it brings me can only be because God has taken my boring daily living and given it meaning.  I think that can be true no matter what you're doing (which is the thing I never believed before!).  No matter what your job or your situation or your season of life, God can give it purpose and make it a time of fulfillment and joy.