The Parent Trap

As you all know, I'm a new mom.  Ellie will be 6 months old next week so I've only been parenting for about 6 months which means I know next to nothing about parenting.  Let me back up a bit...when Matt and I got engaged we devoured every marriage book we could find and talked to countless couples we respected to make sure we were as prepared as we could be for marriage.  We both love to read and I love to talk so it was a great way for us to prepare.  To be honest it worked amazingly well.  While there has been the expected learning curve I can honestly say, on at least my end, I love being married.  I love Matt, I love who we are and how we work inside our marriage.  I'm a fan :)

Naturally when we found out we were expecting I took the same approach as before.  I immediately ordered every book I could find and began talking with moms that I respect about the whole parenting/motherhood thing.  I read a lot of great material that helped open my eyes to things I wouldn't have ever thought.  I assumed that, while we are all unique individuals, there would be some things that were true across the board.  If I heard, "You'll hear every peep they make and wake up" once I heard it a million times.  Or, another favorite, "You'll never want to leave them, and if you do you'll be anxious to get back home!". 

I began to form my identity as a parent around the experiences of other parents that I read about or talked to.  I anticipated being exhausted because Ellie would be up all hours of the night.  I prepared myself for crazy expensive diapers that we'd never have enough of and a painful or difficult first few nursing experiences.  I got mentally ready to be somewhat incapacitated post birth and to be in lots of pain.  I dreamed about the "Hallelujah!" the-skies-open-and-a-light-shines-down-as-a-dove-descends-on-Ellie's-head moment that would occur when I saw her for the first time.  I was ready.

I was wrong.  Nothing went according to plan.  I was in labor for about 15 hours and it felt like the blink of an eye.  Until I started pushing.  Then it felt like 10 years and it hurt.  A lot. I don't remember seeing Ellie when she was first born.  I think I may have still been screaming at that point.  I don't remember any of it until they brought her back all cleaned up.  No "Hallelujah" moment for me!  Nursing was easy and totally natural and it didn't hurt.  Actually I didn't hurt.  Once she was out I was very mobile and not in much pain.  I wasn't exhausted.  I didn't want to sleep when she slept. I didn't hear every peep.  We didn't use nearly as many diapers as I thought but we did use way more wipes!  And when I left her for the first time 2 weeks after she was born...I didn't think about her at all!  And I wasn't in a hurry to get home!

The identity I had carefully crafted before Ellie was born crumbled in a hurry.  A war began inside myself between what I felt I was expected to do (because that's how all good parents behave) and what I actually thought was wise.  I doubted my instincts so much because I knew I had zero experience.  I have not successfully raised anything!  Basically all I succeeded in doing though was putting myself on the defensive.  Instead of enjoying Ellie and my first few weeks as a new mom I found myself torn and tense anytime I was around other people.  Scared they were judging how I was doing as a parent and since I wasn't doing it "right" or the way they had done it I often felt like a failure.

I'm grateful to say that almost 6 months later I'm slowly discovering who I am as a mother.  It's definitely been a gradual process but I feel more secure in this role and I listen to criticism a lot less.  Really I probably listen to unsolicited advice a lot less too.  I trust my instincts and am not nearly as afraid of doing something "wrong".  And I love being a mommy a lot more.  It's amazing how once I stopped focusing on the "doing" and started just loving Ellie how easy it all became.

The truth is, God didn't make all of us alike intentionally.  He loves diversity!  So why on earth we think that when it comes to parenting we need to suddenly stop being unique and start turning cookie-cutter is beyond me.  I need to embrace the areas I excel as a parent.  I'm really great at talking to Ellie all the time.  It's not surprising then that's she's a very verbal baby.  That's a win!  I'm great at play time and getting down on the floor and rolling around and making a complete fool out of myself.  She loves it and so do I.  That's a win.  We read a lot.  That's a win.  I don't stress if she cries or get worked up, I'm pretty laid back.  That's a win for me.  

At the end of the day, this child adores me and it's not because I change her diaper :) I want to parent out of my strengths, in the long run it's better for Ellie and for me.  My only real regret is that I allowed outside voices to ever make me question my ability as a mother.  God picked me to be Ellie's mommy so why would I ever try to be anything but me in this new role?

One of my best friends gave me great advice pre-Ellie that I didn't fully appreciate until later.  She told me, "The best advice I can give you is no baby is alike."  If I were talking with a soon-to-be-mom that would be the advice I would pass on.  No baby is alike, your baby and your experiences may be like other peoples or they may be totally different.  And that is okay.  Don't fall into the parent trap of thinking you can plan it all out before hand.  You can't.  Definitely prepare, but know that your identity as a parent really can't be formed until you start to parent.  And do it your way.  Whatever works for you is the right way.

I don't make organic baby food for Ellie.  I don't change her outfit every time she spits up.  I don't take her to the doctor for every sniffle or rash.  I don't wash her hair every night.  I'm scared to clip her toenails and I bite off her fingernails.  I don't wash my hands enough.  There's a lot of stuff I don't do.  But I'm a good parent.

I am the pot!

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about some of the content from a post back in August where I discussed my desire for Ellie to be a generous person, not just financially but also emotionally, specifically with love.  To recap, I want her to be someone who is lavish in expressing her love to the people who matter most to her; family, friends, husband...you get the idea.  I then acknowledged that I struggle with this sometimes.  Frequently I have a desire to outwardly display or express my feelings to a close friend or family member only to have a sudden almost involuntary push back to being so vulnerable.

Interestingly I actually consider myself to be a rather affectionate person.  Physical touch and words of affirmation are my love languages and I thought I outwardly expressed it often.  Then something fascinating happened.

I'm around a lot of people a lot of times, so I interact with a wide range of personalities and temperaments and as I've mentioned before I just love trying to figure people out.  Well one day I was thinking some of my interactions with certain types of people, trying to figure out what I could do to know them better.  After all, it's true that some people you just CLICK with and others require a more long term investment.  I found myself thinking, the problem is I just don't feel like I can ever do anything to break through their shell.  Do you ever meet people with that natural disposition?

You know they're going through a tough time but they do not want to talk about it or open up and share their feelings.  They always act like everything is okay and they've got it all together.  They always thank you for offering to help but never let you help.  That kind of person.  The person with zero vulnerability and a nice thick armor you can't crack.  No authenticity to those relationships because you know they're always lying to you, always saying it's okay when it's not, you get the idea.

I really wanted to crack this code and be able to connect with this group of people.  And as I sat there thinking it through my mind slowly turned from "What do I need to do to connect with them?" to "They need to not be like that!".  Oh boy was that a dangerous turn.  Before I knew it I went from loving them to judging them.  And that's when a conversation I had with someone months ago came to the surface.

I was talking with a friend that I hadn't seen in quite awhile about my pregnancy (I was still carrying Ellie at the time) and the struggle I'd had in getting pregnant specifically how God really used that time to change my relationship with Him (I wrote about that last time).  As I shared I got choked up (as often happens when talking about that) and I apologized.  Do you know what she said?  She said, in essence, that it was nice to see and hear about my struggle (basically that I was being vulnerable) because I was someone who always seemed to have it all together.  Seeing that authenticity connected with her in a way we hadn't really before....grrr...hello kettle my name is pot.  

The very thing I was just judging others of I was ultimately guilty of myself.  Funny how easy it is to spot those things in others while ignoring them in yourself. I don't intentionally hide my vulnerability but I'm a very in the moment person so, as silly as it may sound to others with a different personality, when I'm asked how I'm doing I'm literally thinking at that exact moment.  And at that exact moment I'm great!  I'm not carrying around the emotion from a bad day earlier in the week.  I'm not thinking about the car breaking down or the dog going to the vet or Ellie getting her shots.  I'm only thinking NOW and NOW is good!

Different people avoid being vulnerable aka authentic for different reasons, all are valid reasons.  But my point is, maybe before I get frustrated with others I should look at me first...you know, don't worry about their speck just deal with my plank kind of thing.

Here's my attempt for this next week:

1. Don't just think my emotions or affection for others, EXPRESS it to them.

2. Think before I speak and try to not just respond in the moment when appropriate*.

3. Appreciate all the unique personalities surrounding me and don't judge them, love them!

*I in no way endorse being vulnerable and open with every person you encounter.  Hence the "when appropriate" disclaimer.  I'm mostly speaking to my close friendships and family relationships.

 

Let's PAR-TAY!

Things have been so hectic around here (as they always are at the end of August/beginning of September) that I have not had the opportunity to write about a major celebration!  

Warning: this has the potential to be an EXTRA long post :)

On August 25th I turned 30 years old...that's not the celebration part! The cool thing is that last year, 2 days before my 29th birthday we found out we were pregnant!  Since it's around my birthday, it's easy to remember.  I distinctly recall how we found out too.  It was a Tuesday night and Matt and I had gone to his parent's house for my family birthday party.  Pat (Matt's mom) had made me a super yummy chocolate cake with chocolate icing...oh to have dairy again...and as usual I totally gorged myself on delicious cake.

Later that evening, once we'd gotten home my stomach was upset.  That may not seem odd to you but at that point it was a bit unusual for me.  I remember having the thought, "Maybe I'm  pregnant...nah!"  See, it'd been almost 2 years of, "Maybe I'm pregnant!" and I never was.  But I was due to take a pregnancy test at the end of that week (there was no rhyme or reason to my cycles so I just had a time each month I tested) and I figured, hey, might as well get the disappointment over that way it won't ruin my birthday on Thursday.

I did my thing and left the test on the counter because the box says it could take up to 2 minutes for results.  It took like 2 seconds!  I turned back around and there it was...2 lines instead of one!  AAAHHH!  My first thought was, I need to take another test!!  But that was my last one which meant I needed to go to Wal-Mart and buy another test...heck buy a whole stack of tests!

Now I had planned in my mind previously all these super cute ways I was going to let Matt know I was pregnant.  I would get a t-shirt made that said, "Handle with care, we've got a baby in there!" and then wear a sweatshirt over it and at some point casually take off the sweatshirt and wait to see how long it took before he read my shirt's message.  Or I would buy him a little UK onsie and wrap it and give it to him.  Or I would buy the dogs little shirts that said, "I'm a big brother/sister".  Point being I had PLANS.  Until I saw those 2 little lines.

All plans went out the window!  I just start screaming, "MATT!!", he comes running because he thought I had just cut my leg off or something.  I can't talk so I just keep pointing to the bathroom counter.  I remember I was shaking like crazy.  He goes in the bathroom but cannot figure out what he's supposed to be looking for (side note: we never did the take a pregnancy test together thing so he'd never seen one and wouldn't know what 2 lines meant anyway!).  Finally, somehow, someway he figured out what I was pointing at.  I managed to blurt out my predicament, that I needed to take another one and that was my last one and somebody better get me to Wal-Mart ASAP!

And this is why I love my husband so much.  He got all logical on me.  He calmly explained that we were not trusting some Dollar General Store pregnancy test and he was going to go buy the most expensive pregnancy test he could find.  We would not get our hopes up just yet, we would just wait and see.  And then he hugged me.  The biggest bear hug that ever existed, and I knew it was all going to be okay.  Matt was there and he knew what to do and just like he always had, he was going to take care of me.

He did just what he said.  We went and bought the most expensive pregnancy test we could find.  I peed, we prayed and...it was confirmed.  We were going to be parents!

For me, that was a defining moment.  In a lot of ways really.  It was a defining moment in my relationship with God.  And it was a defining moment in my relationship with my husband.

See, during that almost 2 year period I learned more about God and how He felt about me than I had in my previous 28 years.  The biggest thing I learned is that I would follow Him no matter what.  I think before then I always kind of followed God partially because I wanted that connection and relationship with Him but also partially because I wanted Him to do things for me.  I liked to pray, "God please give me a good job.  Please give me a house.  Please give me fill in the blank."  It was all about what God could do for me, not knowing Him regardless.

I guess in a lot of ways it's kind of like the difference between a parent/child relationship and a husband/wife relationship.  Kids love you for what you give them.  I know I did!  It wasn't until after college that I started to learn what a truly cool and fun person my mom was.  Up until then our relationship revolved around me.  I didn't really ask her how she was doing, what her dreams were or what she wanted.  That's how my relationship with God was before this time of waiting occurred in my life.  I kind of thought God's world revolved around me. Naturally all we'd talk about was me and my life and what I wanted.

If I had the same relationship with Matt as I did with my mom growing up well...something tells me that wouldn't fly!  Matt loves me for who I am and I love him for who he is.  Matt is by far the funniest most fun person I've ever encountered.  I love his thirst for knowledge and growth and the way he leads our family with such tenderness and selflessness.  But our relationship doesn't revolve around me.  It revolves around us.

When we first began the whole waiting period I was impatient, ready for God to act NOW.  Our relationship was based still on me.  And like a petulant child who doesn't get their way I was frustrated and angry and I let God know it!  And one day as I was venting to God a question came to mind that really became a catalyst for me, "If God never did another thing for you, would you still follow Him?"

Hmmm...well that seems like an easy question to answer unless it's true.  I asked myself, "Jen, if God never gives you a baby, will you still follow Him?"  That's when I started to see how much I had built my relationship around me.  Was I really going to allow this to determine whether or not I followed God?  To determine how I felt about Him?  To determine if I viewed Him as loving or a liar?  Because that's exactly how I was acting.

It changed everything.  Not overnight mind you.  But, it has changed everything.  I began to invest in my relationship with God not for what I could get from Him but for what I could give to Him.  Now I understand that God's world doesn't revolve around me...I had it backwards.  My world should revolve around Him.

I know what you're thinking.  "So Jen, you're saying that finding out you were pregnant was a defining moment for you and your relationship with God because He finally came through for you and you got what you wanted?"  NOPE.  

It was a defining moment because when I found out I was pregnant my relationship with God didn't change.  What?!  Yup.  There was no, I was mad at You God for not giving me a baby but You gave me one so now I'm happy with You again!  There was no, now I see God is faithful!  I had already realized those things.  I was already "happy" with God.  I already knew He was faithful even if I never had a baby.  I realized I had stopped allowing my circumstances to dictate the condition of my relationship with God.  And that was a defining moment.

So here's to a day that started a whole new chapter in Matt and I's life and a whole new chapter in my relationship with God.  Cheers!

 

What's that again?

There have been SO many things I've been dying to post about but time has been a bit more scarce lately...which is true for every August!  Right now I'm at my parents house visiting and Ellie is down for a nap so I am taking full advantage to get some of my thoughts out before I explode from lack of processing :)

A big thing that's been growing in my mind this month is the whole concept of priorities.  When I was working in a traditional environment prioritizing tasks was a pretty big deal.  You don't want to waste precious time organizing your paper clips when you had a budget proposal due that afternoon.  In every interview I remember there is always at least one question along the lines of, "If you had a million things to do and only 3 hours to do it how would you determine what gets done and what doesn't?".  Okay, that's the Jen version, but the premise is the same!  At the end of the day everyone knows that there will always be a million things to do and not enough time to accomplish them all.  Systems help for sure but the reality is, you can't do it all. Naturally then, employers want employees who know how to correctly determine what's truly important and what is irrelevant in the big picture.

So we all understand prioritizing at work.  But what about at home?  See right now, since I stay home with Ellie, my home is my work and vice versa.  And I've always had personal priorities but I don't know that I've ever tried to intentionally live by them.  My personal priorities are:
1. God
2. Matt
3. Family (Ellie)
4. Family (extended)
5. Friends

There are more than this, like health, work, church, education etc., but those are my top 5.  Interestingly though when I looked at my life I realized I wasn't really living like those things that I say are most valuable to me were actually valuable to me.  My life said my priorities were:
1. Family (Ellie)
2. Work
3. Friends
4. Matt
5. Family (extended)

And yeah, God was probably #6 (for me work means my design/print company, Taylor Made Design Co., and being the music director at The Journey).  Now you may not see a problem with my priorities not lining up with my life but I did.  Because, like in a work environment, I know that my time is limited.  I cannot accomplish everything so I need to be intentional about making sure the most important things get done.  And they weren't.

Which begs the question:  Where my priorities in the wrong order or was I living them in the wrong order?  Is it truly important that God be first in my life?  Does it matter if Ellie comes before Matt?  Isn't work kind of a "have to get it done" thing, is that really avoidable?  Is it even possible to live with my priorities reflecting those values I say are important?

If you've never stopped to evaluate why your priorities are your priorities...you should!  So I spent a lot of time thinking it through and making sure I had the right list for my life.  AND making the necessary adjustments to my lifestyle to ensure I wasn't being a hypocrite.  Of course I'll be honest.  I'm still a hypocrite.  I don't have this down even a little bit.  But knowing I spent time evaluating and figuring it out makes it feel a lot more valid when I have to say "no" to something that interferes with a higher priority.

Matt has often said you can't let the urgent replace the important. But the reality is that if you allow outside forces (circumstances) to control your life you'll never have anything left for the things you value.  You'll just run around putting out fires and wasting your attention on things that don't really matter.  You have to focus on what's important and stay there.

One of my favorite lines from the book of Nehemiah is when he keeps telling the people who come to distract him (oh we need to meet with you, oh so-and-so is spreading this rumor, you get the idea), "I'm doing a very important work and cannot come down."  Over and over, that's his response!  Talk about stubborn :)  That's exactly what I have to tell myself whenever good opportunities come along to do good things that distract from what I've deemed most important in my life.

Doing something great often means saying "no" to something good (again, that's not from me, I read it somewhere).  And I believe God has called me to something great.  Not necessarily being president, although I'd be a pretty cool one.  My greatness or legacy will hopefully be born out of my priorities.  Being a wife to Matt, being a mom to Ellie and whomever else comes behind her, being a friend to my sisters who don't share the same parents but definitely share hearts...that's my wall I cannot come down from right now.

Here's where we are now.  My priorities are slowly working their way around to being in line with the things I value most.  And some of them are still in a jumble as I try to figure out which is more important to me...exercise or work? Play time or taking a shower?  Okay that last one isn't real...although when Ellie was first born...you get the idea!

How do you determine your priorities? Do you find it difficult to live by them on a day-to-day basis?