I've been spending a lot of time thinking about some of the content from a post back in August where I discussed my desire for Ellie to be a generous person, not just financially but also emotionally, specifically with love. To recap, I want her to be someone who is lavish in expressing her love to the people who matter most to her; family, friends, husband...you get the idea. I then acknowledged that I struggle with this sometimes. Frequently I have a desire to outwardly display or express my feelings to a close friend or family member only to have a sudden almost involuntary push back to being so vulnerable.
Interestingly I actually consider myself to be a rather affectionate person. Physical touch and words of affirmation are my love languages and I thought I outwardly expressed it often. Then something fascinating happened.
I'm around a lot of people a lot of times, so I interact with a wide range of personalities and temperaments and as I've mentioned before I just love trying to figure people out. Well one day I was thinking some of my interactions with certain types of people, trying to figure out what I could do to know them better. After all, it's true that some people you just CLICK with and others require a more long term investment. I found myself thinking, the problem is I just don't feel like I can ever do anything to break through their shell. Do you ever meet people with that natural disposition?
You know they're going through a tough time but they do not want to talk about it or open up and share their feelings. They always act like everything is okay and they've got it all together. They always thank you for offering to help but never let you help. That kind of person. The person with zero vulnerability and a nice thick armor you can't crack. No authenticity to those relationships because you know they're always lying to you, always saying it's okay when it's not, you get the idea.
I really wanted to crack this code and be able to connect with this group of people. And as I sat there thinking it through my mind slowly turned from "What do I need to do to connect with them?" to "They need to not be like that!". Oh boy was that a dangerous turn. Before I knew it I went from loving them to judging them. And that's when a conversation I had with someone months ago came to the surface.
I was talking with a friend that I hadn't seen in quite awhile about my pregnancy (I was still carrying Ellie at the time) and the struggle I'd had in getting pregnant specifically how God really used that time to change my relationship with Him (I wrote about that last time). As I shared I got choked up (as often happens when talking about that) and I apologized. Do you know what she said? She said, in essence, that it was nice to see and hear about my struggle (basically that I was being vulnerable) because I was someone who always seemed to have it all together. Seeing that authenticity connected with her in a way we hadn't really before....grrr...hello kettle my name is pot.
The very thing I was just judging others of I was ultimately guilty of myself. Funny how easy it is to spot those things in others while ignoring them in yourself. I don't intentionally hide my vulnerability but I'm a very in the moment person so, as silly as it may sound to others with a different personality, when I'm asked how I'm doing I'm literally thinking at that exact moment. And at that exact moment I'm great! I'm not carrying around the emotion from a bad day earlier in the week. I'm not thinking about the car breaking down or the dog going to the vet or Ellie getting her shots. I'm only thinking NOW and NOW is good!
Different people avoid being vulnerable aka authentic for different reasons, all are valid reasons. But my point is, maybe before I get frustrated with others I should look at me first...you know, don't worry about their speck just deal with my plank kind of thing.
Here's my attempt for this next week:
1. Don't just think my emotions or affection for others, EXPRESS it to them.
2. Think before I speak and try to not just respond in the moment when appropriate*.
3. Appreciate all the unique personalities surrounding me and don't judge them, love them!
*I in no way endorse being vulnerable and open with every person you encounter. Hence the "when appropriate" disclaimer. I'm mostly speaking to my close friendships and family relationships.
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