Let's get personal!

If you've ever met me chances are that you know I have a thing for personalities. Some might call it an obsession ;)  The truth is that I want more than anything for people to feel valued. If I could accomplish one thing in my life, if people had to say one thing about me at my funeral, I would hope it would be, "She made me feel valuable." 

Growing up I never felt that way which I think is a pretty normal experience for elementary/middle school/high school students. Like a lot of kids I got made fun of quite a bit. I'm sure the afro, coke bottle glasses, lisp and nervous tic didn't help my situation much. Top it off with a loud mouth and I was kind of doomed to be picked on. If there was one thing I walked away from those years believing it was that I didn't want to ever make other people feel like they were as worthless as I often felt.

Here's how all that ties into personalities. Feeling understood is a huge part of the battle to feeling valued, to feeling like you are not alone. Misunderstanding fuels conflict and isolation.  But, believe it or not, everyone doesn't think like you! We are all wired in special and unique ways with certain gifts and abilities that aren't like anyone else. As you can imagine, being so different can definitely make communication difficult. You say one thing but because of my life experiences and natural wiring I hear something totally different! How can we possibly expect to understand others and be understood with such a huge gap between us? 

That's where personalities come into play. I believe that having a basic understanding of the general temperaments of people gives us an excellent starting point to connecting well with others. Obviously these temperaments are general so you'll still have to put in some leg work to truly know a person. But this knowledge gives you a head start so to speak. Not sure? Here's some examples:

In the workplace:

Perception:  Your boss never asks you how you are or what is going on in your life. Their e-mails are always direct and to the point, everything feels like an order. Most of the time they don't even say, "Please" or "Thank you" much less "Hi!". You're pretty sure, at best, they think you're incompetent and at worst, hate your guts.

Reality: Your boss is probably just a Powerful Choleric personality. They don't like to take time for common courtesies or socializing especially at work. Never take them personal, just give them the facts as quickly and concisely as possible.

In your marriage:

Perception: Your spouse forgets everything! You ask them to pick up milk on the way home. They forget. You tell them your family is coming in to visit and you need help picking up the house. They forget and then dilly dally around instead of cleaning! You come home from work and all they want to do is talk, talk, talk about crazy long stories you doubt are even true. They never seem to take anything seriously and you often feel disrespected and resentful.

Reality: Your spouse is probably just a Popular Sanguine personality. They love people but are so naturally present minded they forget everything they're supposed to do in the future. They are having way too much fun to be repentant for too long.

In your family:

Perception: Your child is struggling in school. They take forever to do their homework and always just seem to move so slow. You encourage them to run for class office, be on a sports team, just do something! But they show little ambition even if you get them to join! You hate to admit it but you secretly think they're just lazy. Where's their sense of urgency?!

Reality: Your child is probably just a Peaceful Phlegmatic personality. They are calm, laid back and pretty content with life as it is. They make amazing listeners but being president of the united states probably won't be their dream (regardless of whether they have the ability or not), they'd just assume let someone else do it.

In your friendships:

Perception: Your friend is always so particular. About everything. They even iron their jeans for Pete's sake! Organization is their middle name. You always have to watch what you say because even the most innocent comments might be turned into drama. They're just sensitive and pretty moody. You secretly want to tell them to lighten up and not take life so seriously!

Reality: Your friend is probably just a  Perfect Melancholy personality. They feel emotions deeply although they might not show them outwardly. They are perfectionists and often very artistically driven and organized.

Hopefully you're starting to see my point. My goal is to do a series of 4 blog posts, one about each personality, in hopes that it'll help you in some way to better understand the people around you. Self-awareness is crucial to good communication and good communication is crucial to strong relationships and strong relationships are crucial to the human existence. Deep down all of want to be known by someone. God made us that way, with a desire to feel connected to one another. Maybe this will help you do just that!

So here's what I want you to do: Click on the link below and take the quick 5 minute personality profile (it's free, no e-mail required etc.!).  Here’s what I want you to keep in mind as you’re completing this quiz:

1. Connotation can quickly distort the results of any subjective test like this one, so definitions have been provided for each word.  Read these definitions carefully before selecting which word best describes you or you may wind up with some weird results.
2. There’s always an exception.  “I’m not disorganized, I mean have you seen my baseball card collection?”  Never mind that every other aspect of your life is disorganized, that baseball card collection cancels it all out. Ignore the exception and focus on the majority. 
3.  Ask your family and friends for help.  You may think you’re super laid back but they might disagree.  Don’t get defensive.  We aren’t always as self-aware as we’d like to think and again it’ll only improve the accuracy of your results. 
4.  Don’t mistakenly choose your abilities over how you are naturally wired.  You might have the gift of gab but if you aren’t ENERGIZED by talking and interacting with others then it’s not your personality.  Ask yourself, “Does it energize me or exhaust me?” 
5. Finally, when in doubt, think back to your childhood.  As we grow older we gain more and more adaptive behaviors that can distort our natural personalities.  Going back to your childhood will give you an idea of who you were before there was too much influence on you.

Once you've taken the quiz make a note about what personality you came up with, I'll be blogging about one in each of my next 4 posts. Encourage your friends, family, spouse and the garbage man to participate with you, it'll make for a great conversation starter :)

Ready...Set...GO!

TAKE THE TEST NOW (CLICK HERE)!

A big pile of Do-Do...

It's been a long time since I last wrote mostly because I have been wrestling with an issue for quite awhile. Generally I try to have it at least clear in my mind before I will blog about it but this one has been such a doozy that I'm still not sure I know exactly how to articulate it! But I am determined to try.

Several weeks back I posted a status on Facebook that read, "Family is more important than work. But work makes me feel more important than my family...". What I simply meant is that when I spend my day taking care of my kids and raising them to love people and love God there is no immediate reward. At the end of the day no one looks at me and says, "Way to knock that one out of the park momma!" Ellie doesn't look at me and say, "Thank you for changing my diapers and loving me momma.". And if she's anything like me it'll probably take a good 20 years before she realizes all the wonderful things her mother is. 

The work that I do outside of the home however provides me with immediate rewards and benefits and plenty of positive feedback. My clients pay me cash for the work I do. My supervisor at The Journey frequently encourages me and the job I'm doing. Plus I can make out a to-do list for the work I do outside the home and at the end of the day I have tangible tasks marked off. I feel accomplished, I did something today! My to-do list at home might read:

1. Instill character and integrity into Ellie & James

2. Develop healthy lifestyles for Ellie & James

3. Train Ellie & James on how to be functioning and hopefully thriving members of society

Exactly how am I supposed to measure those on a daily basis?! Raising children feels a bit like walking on water...nothing feels very concrete so it's hard to get your footing! Work outside the home though? Piece of cake. At least in terms of knowing if I'm being successful or not! If I'm failing miserably as music director at The Journey I can guarantee you that my boss will let me know about it. If my clients from Taylor Made Design Co. aren't pleased with my work, they tell me...trust me! 

So, while I know that what I'm doing at home will have a longer lasting impact that is far more important, work outside the home makes me feel more important. And that's where the rub is. One is not about me and the other is all about me. What I do at home, isn't about me. Making Jen feel good is not the priority. Raising children who love people and love God is. At work, it's all about me feeling good. I feel productive, I feel valued, I feel accomplished! Me, me, ME.

What does this ultimately point to? Doing vs. being. Let me tell you another story. A friend recently told me about a position she had read about that required 5-10 hours each week, working from home doing administrative tasks for a very cool company. My first thought? I could do that! 

 WHAT?! Miss 2 kids under the age of 2, runs her own design company and is the music director for The Journey really thinks she has time to do this TOO?! Are you nuts?! But it would be fun! What an opportunity! I know this company would be such a cool place to be associated with and learn from! Translation (after some serious soul searching): Maybe this would be the thing that would finally make me feel valuable. Maybe this will finally prove I'm a somebody. Maybe this will finally fill that empty spot in my heart that no one knows about that keeps wondering, "Am I enough?".

The short answer, by the way, is no. This, like everything else you do, will never answer the question, "Am I enough?". It can't. And if we aren't careful we all will wind up doing our lives away. When I look to my activities and my extracurriculars and my career to answer this question I will always walk away unsure. Because I cannot do enough. There is always MORE.

If that discourages you, friend, I have good news. I can offer you hope because the answer to that question isn't in the doing. It's in the being. You, me, all of us are already enough. Just as we are. We don't have to do anything! For me, this all comes back to God. When I'm running myself haggard trying to do as much as I can it always stems from one of two causes:

1. I'm looking to people and not God for my security 

OR

2. I'm trying to earn God's approval by performing for Him

When I'm focused on what other people think about me, do they think I'm valuable as a person (smart enough, funny enough, good enough), I find myself in a vicious "doing" cycle. I'm trying to impress people and show them what a truly great leader and entrepreneur I am! I want to WOW them with my writing skills because then they'll comment on Facebook about how moved they were by my story and I'll feel valued! I try to sing higher and hold notes longer so they'll all be moved by my talents and abilities. And in the process I'll miss out on any kind of peace or joy. I'll be on a constant roller coaster because my mood depends on the praise and support of fickle people. I'll only feel I matter when I'm getting attention. OUCH.

Sometimes, I flip flop this. I think I can perform well enough for God that He'll bless me more or be proud of me. I'll look at the scripture and say, "I know You say that You love me just as I am but I'm so full of pride that I believe I can impress You, God of the universe, creator of all things.". That's pretty astoundingly arrogant isn't it? Not only to think I would have the ability to impress God but to also think it's okay to call Him a liar, that what He said in the Bible wasn't true. So once again, I'm busy doing. Let me show You what I can do God! You'll want me then!

What's crazy is that God already wants us. All of us. Not for our doing but for our being. He loves Jennifer Lynne Johnson just as I am, not as I do. If I choose to embrace this simple truth then suddenly my life is full of peace and joy and hope! The emotional roller coaster disappears because suddenly I'm anchored in the unchanging, unfailing love of God. I don't have to wear myself out trying to do my way into being "enough". I can rest. I can be the mom He created me to be. I can be the wife He called me to be. I can be the friend, the sister, the daughter. Anchored in this truth I can be everything I was ever created to be...we all can.

In Due Time...

Today is a fun date because it's my official due date!  August 17th...and instead of having a baby I'm loving on my 8 week old at home.  We were only off by a little bit ;)

For those of you who haven't heard, we actually got to bring James David home 2 weeks ago today!  Once they began the countdown (5 days) for no apnea spells he just knocked them out.  Guess he finally decided he wanted to come home.  Since being at home he has been wonderful!  There was a little bit of concern on my part whether he'd have another apnea spell at home and being able to recognize it but thankfully that hasn't been an issue.

I get asked a lot how we are doing.  It's a great question!  After all I have two children under 17 months living under my roof.  The answer is AMAZING!!  I can't get over how truly awesome it has been thus far.  I feel like I always need to qualify my answer to this question with a, "I'm sure that there will be hard days ahead but" because I have loved having 2 children so much.  While it's not easy taking care of everyone and getting up all hours of the night for feedings and such it has been a much simpler experience than I expected.

I truly thought this would be horrific.  Two kids, super close in age...the one thing I heard from people constantly before James was born and they found out how close our kids would be was, "Wow!  You're going to be busy/tired!"and/or "You didn't plan it that way, did you?".  That's a very understandable response.  I thought I was going to be pretty tired too.  In fact, I often joked with Matt that we just needed to be prepared for about 5 years of awful and then it would be over.  We intentionally planned our children to be close together (not 14 months but you get the picture) but we did it knowing it would make for a tough season.  We thought the end goal would be worth it though.

When I prayed for my kids it never crossed my mind to ask that this be a season of joy and fun.  I always prayed to survive!  For strength and mental toughness, that kind of thing.  I felt positive that this would be a season of surviving and not thriving.  I was wrong.  Again, there will be tough days and we are only 14 days into it!  But thus far having two kids under the age of 17 months has been such a joyful time.  I have LOVED being a mother of two.  I don't feel stressed or overwhelmed or in need of rescuing.  I feel blessed and like I'm having the time of my life.

I'll be honest.  I didn't feel that way with just one baby.  Ellie was a major adjustment.  None of my expectations for motherhood came true.  None of my expectations for a baby came true.  It was a tough time for all of us between her surprise NICU stay for jaundice, her colic, her milk protein allergies and everything else.  I struggled daily till she was about 8 months old.  With JD, I've better known what to expect...or just not to expect anything at all!

Ellie is at the most delightful stage, she's exploring everything and she's so curious and adorable...she melts my heart constantly.  Watching her interact with James is so amazing.  She's so gentle with him and just caring.  How she knows that this is her little brother I don't know but she loves him so perfectly.  God has taken what I anticipated to be a season of stress and turned it into a season of joy.  And I am so thankful!

Don't misunderstand.  I'm still tired.  There's still a lot of poop involved.  Showering everyday is a challenge (and one I lose on occasion!).  All of the normal things that happen with a newborn are happening.  But I am so filled with gratitude for my family that all of the tough stuff just gets overshadowed by His grace and mercy.  I always thought it was kind of a silly 'Christian' joke that when God is active in your life even the mundane has purpose.  But I totally get it now.  I may just be changing stinky diapers and reading to a toddler but the joy it brings me can only be because God has taken my boring daily living and given it meaning.  I think that can be true no matter what you're doing (which is the thing I never believed before!).  No matter what your job or your situation or your season of life, God can give it purpose and make it a time of fulfillment and joy.   

6 weeks in and counting!

I can't hardly believe that it was 6 weeks ago yesterday that James David Johnson made his big appearance!  Truth be told there are some days I can't believe I have a son at all.  Until he comes home the reality of his birth somehow feels surreal.  Like a very vivid dream.  And then I look down and I see my c-section scar and I remember.  That may seem rather odd to some people.  Maybe even outrageous.  

My mother-in-law joked with us one night as she and Robert watched Ellie that they don't think JD is really real, Matt and I are actually just going out each night taking advantage of free baby sitting!  I totally understood what she was saying and agreed.  Because he's always been at Baptist Health we haven't gotten to celebrate and share our little boy with others as we long to do.  However, as Matt always says, we're closer than we've ever been before to bringing him home!  Soon, it'll all be over and he'll be home...right where he belongs, with his daddy, momma and big sister :)

With all that in mind, here's an update on our little man.  About 2 weeks ago James developed an urinary tract infection, which is unusual in boys.  Our doctor said that it was just a random thing that happened.  To be safe they did do several tests including a renal ultrasound just to be sure that everything was working properly.  Thankfully, everything was perfect and it truly was just a random chance happening.

While the infection was not severe or life-endangering it did set us back just a little bit.  Keep in mind though, this is the first thing that has gone "wrong".  We have been so blessed!  The infection required a few rounds of antibiotics through an IV.  Naturally all of this wore our little man out so we had to backtrack a bit on his feedings and apnea episodes.  Just for about a week.  

Thankfully, the infection is completely taken care of now and he has made great progress!  He now eats wonderfully, taking between 45-60 mls at each feeding!  We are going to begin to try nursing tonight vs. taking the breastmilk from a bottle.  It will be a transition for him and while I hope that it goes well and we'll be able to move in that direction I also understand that he may not make the transition smoothly and we may have to bottle feed.  Either way he's getting the wonderful nutrition he needs so you won't hear me complain!

His apnea episodes have slowed down but are still occurring.  As you may remember he has met 2 of his 3 milestones required to go home.  The one milestone he's missing is going 5 consecutive days without any apnea episodes.  Thus far he's not gone longer than a day and a half.  Again, this is just a developmental thing and one we want completely figured out before he comes home so we are not upset at all that he has to stay a bit longer.  On the other side, because this is the last milestone there is always a chance he'll be coming home in 5 days.  Everyday could be day 1 of the 5, so you just never know!

That probably answers your biggest question, when is he coming home?!  Unfortunately, there's just no way to really know.  It could be 5 days from now it could be 2 weeks from now or it could be closer to his due date, August 17th!  In the meantime we just keep pushing forward, enjoying the time that we have each day with him.  He did cross the 5lb. mark this past Friday so he's really starting to look like a term baby.  He's making fun faces and "talking" to us...it's so fun to watch him grow!

Here are a few pictures to close...

Snuggling with momma...

Big eyes!

Conked out after eating!

Taking our bottle with serious eyes...

Daddy, the professional feeder!

Perspective and a James David Johnson update!

One of the most frequent questions I get asked is, "How are you doing?".  Usually followed by a statement similar to, "I can't imagine how hard this must be.".  And you know what?  They're right.  It is incredibly hard.  I can't think of one thing about this entire period of my life that has been "easy".  

• It's hard to be disciplined enough to go pump every 3 hours during the day instead of nursing a baby in my arms.  It's even harder to get up and pump every 4 hours at night :)  
• It's hard to leave Ellie every night knowing how well she does in a routine but how much she can struggle when she doesn't get it.  It's hard choosing to make her struggle.  
• It's hard to know at various points throughout the day James David is crying and there's no momma to comfort him.  
• It's hard driving to Paducah every night when you're emotionally and physically tired...longing for the good 'ole days when you stayed home every night.  
• It's hard seeing JD hooked up to tubes and wires, knowing he belongs home with me but having to wait.  

It's all hard.  That's just the reality of the situation.  If I wanted to, I think I could make a decent case for wallowing in self pity.  I mean our circumstances are pretty sucky.  But then I'm reminded of some things.  I'm reminded that:

• I have the distinct privilege of providing my son with food, nutrients and important antibodies.  Not all moms get to successfully pump and provide for their child this way.  I am so fortunate that I get to!

• We are so blessed to have grandparents who Ellie adores that will give up literally every night of the week to come and watch her and put her to bed so that she can stay in her routine.  Not everyone has family members willing to make those sacrifices.

• JD is adored by the nursing staff at Baptist Health!  Trust me when I say, he is not lacking for anything in their care!  While I long to be there and be "momma" it is a huge comfort knowing the kind of love, attention and affection he is receiving right now.  It gives me peace of mind knowing they are watching over him.

• Driving to Paducah every night has given Matt and I the unique opportunity to communicate and share about this experience with each other in a way that we probably wouldn't be able to otherwise.  It gives us time to connect and lean on each other, unpack our days and emotions.  I bet there are a lot of parents out there with two kids who would give a right arm for 2 hours of guaranteed alone time with their spouse!

• My son is healthy and happy.  What more can I ask for?  I haven't lost him to cancer or another illness.  I didn't have to struggle through a miscarriage or a stillbirth.  He isn't going to have to live with a disease for the rest of his life.  Sure, we have to be patient as he grows but he is healthy.  I am so blessed!

Perspective changes everything.  I can choose to focus on all the hard stuff.  Because it is hard.  But focusing on it doesn't make it any less hard.  Or I can choose to focus on being grateful for all the good things.  And that does make it less hard.

Passed out after daddy fed us for the first time!

 JAMES UPDATE:

It's hard to believe but our boy is one month old today!  My goodness time has flown by ever since I was put on bedrest 6 weeks ago.  JD just keeps on growing and getting bigger.  As of yesterday he was already up to a little over 4 lbs.!!  Big boy :)  He has been out of the incubator for awhile now and is maintaining his body temperature wonderfully.  If you remember that is one of the three milestones he has to achieve.

He has moved from receiving my milk via feeding tube to bottle feedings most of the time.  He actually got his feeding tube out for several days but they did have to put it back in recently which is normal.  He still takes most feedings through a bottle now though.  They have been fortifying my milk (mixing it with a high calorie formula to help him gain weight) and that is something that will continue even once he's home for awhile.  They are trying dropping him from a 24 calorie milk to a 22 calorie milk though (breastmilk has 20 calories).  We still have several steps before this milestone (able to feed himself) is reached but progress is definitely being made!!

The final milestone is breathing on his own with no apnea episodes for 5 consecutive days.  Previously he has been on caffeine, which is how they combat the apnea episodes, however they took him completely off of caffeine about a week ago.  He still has a few small apnea episodes a day which again, is very normal for a baby his age.  Some babies take till their due date (ours was August 17) to resolve these episodes and others are able to do it sooner.  Thankfully they will not send him home until they are gone, which makes me feel SO much better!!

Siblings under the age of 2 aren't allowed in the NICU so Ellie has yet to meet her baby brother.  However, she did get to see him from a distance last Sunday!!  We've been making videos of us holding him and showing them to her so when she saw him (from about 10-12 feet away) she said, "Baby!"!  LOL!  We considered that a win :)  Ellie has been my sanity through this all.  Anytime I miss baby James I just hug her!  Thankfully she's a cuddler and doesn't mind!  This experience has definitely completely changed my perspective on my beautiful little girl.  Not being able to hold her and pick her up and put her down for a nap or bedtime for 4 weeks (2 weeks of bedrest and 2 weeks post surgery) has made our time together extra sweet.  

It's easy to focus on the child who is in the NICU when I blog but the reality is that Ellie needs me a lot more than James right now.  And I'm forever grateful to Dr. Savells for pointing out that truth to me early on in my pregnancy when we learned JD would probably be early.  It won't be long till James David is home so I want to cherish these last few weeks of just Ellie and me while I can.  She is the delight of my heart...so I have to include an Ellie pic (and trust me, her and JD look a LOT alike!)!

Big sister!

People often ask what's next.  Great question!  Once James David gets all 3 of his milestones reached they will have Matt and I come stay at the hospital with him for 1-2 nights.  They call this "rooming in" and basically we'll have a "normal" newborn experience.  He'll stay with us in the room like if I'd just had him.  Then we'll come home!  HOORAY!  We've still got quite a bit of time before this happens (remember they shoot for baby to come home around their original due date which isn't until August 17th).

Look how big I'm getting! 7/14/13

THANK YOU!!

Matt and I cannot begin to say thank you enough to all the people who have helped us and been praying for us and our little family.  We've always known we were blessed with an awesome support system but you all have humbled us with your love and generosity.  We love all of you!!

This is the closest we currently have to a family picture of all 4 of us!

Welcome James David Johnson!

Dear friends,

Let me begin by saying that if you thought I posted long blogs before...GET READY!  LOL!  This one will most certainly be a record breaker but so much has happened and I can't bear to not share some of the amazing things.  To keep it simple for those of you who are skimmers I'm trying to utilize headings so you can just jump to the section you want and ignore some of my other ramblings :)

Getting Things Rolling...Friday, June 14th

On Friday, June 14th we went to our usual doctor's appointment for James David.  We were excited when we got done with the ultrasound because his fluid was holding steady, he was growing and everything looked good.  Maybe we would make it to 36 weeks after all!  Post ultrasound we went to the examination room to wait on our doctor.  For a few days I'd been experiencing a new sensation that I could really only describe as feeling like James was kicking me in the crotch.  Not a very lady like description but it really felt like it!  Just before our doctor arrived I told Matt that and we chuckled at our future soccer player of a son.  

When Dr. Savell's checked me she said, "Oh!" with a surprised look on her face and we knew she must have found something unusual because she does not surprise easily.  Turns out I was 2 cm dilated and JD's foot was sticking out!  So I really was getting kicked in the crotch!!  We knew then that I wouldn't get to leave the hospital pregnant again.  She admitted me to see if we couldn't take measures to stop labor from progressing for as long as possible.  I couldn't feel them yet but I was having contractions and that was a priority.  They gave me the first of 2 steroid shots to help develop his lungs and we waited to see what was next.

Saturday morning, really early they decided to begin magnesium.  Magnesium functions as a muscle relaxer so it can stop labor but more importantly it protects the center of his brain and helps it to develop.  They warned me though that Magnesium isn't a fun medication to be on.  It generally produces flu like symptoms.  I had the most amazing nurses working with me and they did everything possible to make sure I understood what was happening.  I would be on the Magnesium for 48 hours.  During that time I would have to be watched carefully to make sure there were no dangerous side effects one of which was fluid developing on my lungs.  To make sure I had a good output of fluids they also put in a catheter.  

Misery Loves Company...

Well...the Magnesium worked in that I stopped having contractions.  But that Saturday (June 15th) was one of the worst ones I can recall.  The Magnesium made me incredibly hot...poor Matt was freezing in the corner with a blanket and I was burning up!  Remember too, James' foot was sticking out right by that catheter and he loved to kick it, agitating it in the process!  By Saturday afternoon I was at my tolerable end.  I was a sobbing mess and I am so grateful that Matt was there to soothe me and work with the nurses to get a solution.  They, thankfully, agreed to take the catheter out which was my primary source of pain.  Again, the nurses kindness and gentleness with me was something to behold.  I will never forget how wonderful they were to me during that time of stress.

Sunday was also Father's Day and not what I had planned for Matt but he was wonderful.  Friends stopped by to visit bringing me special treats to help distract me.  I'll never forget when one of my dear friends from Benton stopped in I started crying as soon as I saw her.  Knowing she and her family took the time on Father's Day to come see me meant the world.  

Because the next day I would be taken off the Magnesium we understood there was a chance that my contractions would pick back up and a baby would come.  For that reason we arranged for Ellie to stay with my family in Harrisburg for several days.  They came up to Paducah and spent some time sympathizing with my discomfort before taking a very happy Ellie with them.  It was a great comfort to me to know that she would be spoiled rotten at mawmaw and pawpaw's the next few days.  It also allowed Matt to just focus on taking care of me and JD.  So we waited for Monday.

It's time!

Early Monday morning, June 17th they took me off the Magnesium and boy was I grateful!  It was worth it to ensure that JD got the steroids he needed for his lungs and his brain but that was a very tough two days.  We hoped that contractions would stay away and James would stay put but we truly didn't know what would happen.  About 11:00 a.m. we noticed some slight contractions returning and by 2:00 that afternoon I had progressed to 3.5 cm dilated and we knew.  Our c-section was set for 4:30 that afternoon.

In that moment peace just filled both Matt and I.  Knowing it was time we were excited to meet this little boy who we already loved.  Matt looked pretty adorable in his OR gear...kinda like a thin teletubby but adorable none the less!  I was nervous about the surgery aspect of a c-section since I've never had any type of surgery or stitches.  Matt continually reassured me and the nurses spoiled me rotten knowing I was unsure.

Having had Ellie naturally I wasn't sure what to expect from this experience.  I've read where moms feel cheated out of a birthing experience and other negative side effects they've experienced.  The truth is though, I loved it.  I was completely present when my son was born whereas I don't even remember Ellie being born, I was in too much pain!  Every person in the OR went out of their way to make it a positive experience for me.  They talked to me and loved on me more that I could have ever expected.  I have nothing negative to say about any of it!  

James David Johnson officially made his debut at 4:55 p.m. on June 17th.  He weighed 3 lbs. 9 oz. and was 16 inches long.  He has a head full of dark hair and is perfect.  I got to see him quite a bit in the OR before they took him to the NICU where Matt got to see him more.  Perhaps the most bizarre thing considering the circumstances is how truly peaceful everything was.  It was so obvious to Matt and I that God was present with us and we just felt totally surrounded by His love and peace.  It was a beautiful moment.

Where we are now...

James will be in the NICU more than likely until August.  He was 31 weeks and 2 days when born but has not had any major complications outside of those naturally related to just being early.  In the past week he has had slow and steady progress which is exactly what we want!  There are 3 milestones he has to achieve in order to come home:

1.  Maintain his body temperature.  He is currently in an incubator and this is just one of those things that will develop as he gets older.

2.  Able to eat on his own (suck and swallow).  Most babies do not develop the ability to suck and swallow until they are about 34-35 weeks old.  For now he has a little feeding tube that delivers my milk to his belly.  He is doing amazing on his feedings though!  He's already up to 33 ml of milk every 3 hours and has tolerated his feedings wonderfully.  Being able to suck and swallow is just something that will develop as he gets older :)

3. He has to go 5 days with no apnea episodes.  Premature babies almost always need a little more time to develop the part of their brain that reminds them to breathe.  It's not a lung issue but rather a neurological one.  For now there are just occasions where he forgets so before he can come home he has to go 5 consecutive days without any episodes.  The hospital told us this is usually the one area that takes the longest because he may go 4 and half days but then have an episode and we start all over.

All of these are areas that just need time to develop so while he may be in the NICU until August it's not because he is in critical condition, he is simply young and needs time to mature.

So that's it!  We go every evening to see JD and hold him.  Leaving is truly difficult but knowing he is in the care of some outstanding nurses who adore him does make it easier.  I promise to try and keep everyone updated as we go each week, in the meantime thank you for all the love and support we have received.  We always knew we had amazing family and friends but you have all truly gone above and beyond to help.  Between meals, assistance watching Ellie, gifts, cards and much more you have helped make this the best possible situation given our circumstances.  We love you and can't wait to introduce you all to our little James David one day! 

Like father like son...

Survival of the fittest!

Well, I've been on bedrest now for a little over a week and we are still going strong!  I've personally found bedrest to be a pretty big roller coaster emotionally which I'll talk about in a bit.  First though, let me update everyone.

We went back to the doctor on Friday to recheck the fluid amongst other things.  Last time it was 9.0 and this time it was 10.3, which wasn't a huge increase but it was an increase!  For that reason I got to come back home and remain on bedrest instead of being admitted to the hospital.  Bedrest and drinking lots of fluids works for low fluid (as I understand it) because it allows the blood flow to be focused on going to the baby instead of going to other areas like your legs or arms.

Knowing he is safe and sound tempers everything else so I won't say the "bad" news but the less easy-to-swallow news was that I'll be on bedrest till James David is born.  Additionally, she confirmed that a c-section was definitely going to be my final destination in terms of delivery because he was still bottom down with his feet over his head and there is no room for movement at this point.  She told us that while some people are able to manipulate the baby's position from the exterior successfully I wasn't a candidate for that.  

I am currently 30 weeks along so we are making great progress!  Matt and I were chuckling the other day because we were looking at the 10 week ultrasound of a friend who is expecting and we got out James David's 10 week ultrasound...WOW!  We didn't realize how little space he had compared to other "normal" babies!!  It was dramatic and very enlightening and pretty humorous too just to see it.

As for bedrest, well, let's just say there are good days and bad days!  I can't believe how amazing Matt has been, balancing taking care of Ellie and me while also working from home!  I always knew he had superhero powers but this challenge has really highlighted how awesome he is.  I can't picture anyone else doing it all but he is AND making it look easy in the process!  That alone has made a world of difference because I don't feel guilty about laying around constantly.  He doesn't ever seem frustrated or put out or stressed or anything which releases me to do what I need to do...nothing.

That being said, I'm an extrovert.  I love people and get energy from being around people.  So being away from everyone constantly is very difficult.  On good days I'm discontent to be so isolated and on bad days I'm down right depressed :)  It's hard, I won't lie.  The hardest part though is keeping perspective.  I know that I have a healthy baby and that being on bedrest is protecting him.  For that I am SO grateful.  

But there are a lot of emotions that accompany all this do-nothing-ness.  And those are hard.  They're the ones that say I wish this was just over.  I'm tired of feeling blah because I can't be up and around.  I miss being momma to my little girl. I miss being a wife to the man I love more than words can express.  I miss seeing my friends and hanging out or going to lunch.  I miss going for a walk outside and looking at the flowers with Ellie or checking on the trees we planted this spring.  I want to cook because I love to cook!  I want to go to church and see and talk to the people who have been a part of my life for almost 7 years.  

I could go on and on and in the process throw a major pity party.  I could even take it back to why did God make me this way? Why can't pregnancy be a time of joy and celebration instead of stress and uncertainty?  Why can't I carry to 40 weeks and have a normal birthing experience without all the emotion of NICU stays?  I can go there.  

Truth be told, we've all probably had things happen to us in life where we can go there.  Isn't it tempting too?  To take all the stuff and dwell on it and twist it all to where it's really just God's fault?  After all he's GOD.  By definition He could do something.  Why doesn't He?  Where is God when it hurts?

I'll be upfront, that's a great question and a tough question and one I don't have time to answer here.  Truthfully, I could give you some thoughts to ponder but you'd probably still have questions.  I know I do.  Here's the one thing I will say.  The stress, the angst, the emotions that accompany a trial are not indicative of God's shortcomings but of mine.  

Because I have a personal relationship with God I know His love, His peace, His hope.  I have complete access to all of His attributes.  If I'm in a perpetual state of stress over this pregnancy then I am the one who isn't trusting Him.  If I'm constantly afraid then I am the one who isn't surrendering to Him and embracing His peace.  If I'm filled with sorrow, it's on me because He will give me comfort!  

Not that there isn't a time and place for all of those emotions, Jesus himself experienced the whole gauntlet of human emotion.  God gave us emotion so I'm not downplaying that.  But before I go blaming Him for all my difficulty I need to remember that He has already given me the solution to my pain.  Jesus is the answer to all of our pain.  Jesus was often called Emmanuel which means "God With Us".  Where is God?  He's here and He knows.

When I embrace His perspective then all those crazy emotions fade away.  It still isn't easy, I won't lie.  But I remember the purpose of this time.  I have an opportunity to keep my son safe so he can grow and develop.  How many women who had their children early would have given anything for this very opportunity?!  Or what about the women who lost their babies because they were born too early?  I bet they would have given anything for bedrest to have been an effective measure to save their baby.  How humbling.  When I remember all of this I'm ashamed of how discontent and even resentful I've felt regarding bedrest.  I find myself begging God for forgiveness for my arrogance.

So...how am I doing on bedrest?  Amazing.  Just amazing.

The question that changes everything...

Jesus asks Peter a very pointed question as he's nearing the end of his life.  "Who do you say I am?"  It's a pretty personal question.  It cuts through a lot of junk really fast.  2,000 years later it's still the question that God asks each of us.  And it's equally pointed and personal now just as it was then.  

Why am I starting a blog post with this?  Well...I'm about to update you on some things that are happening right now with James David, my 28 week and 6 day old in-my-belly son.  But before I do, it's important that you understand the framework through which I see life and the experiences I've had and will have.

I answered this question, "Who do you say I am?", when I was in my mid teens.  I honestly don't remember the exact date but I remember the moment vividly.  It was the moment when I acknowledged all my doubts and uncertainty regarding Jesus, God and faith and chose to believe anyway.  The truth is, I couldn't reconcile all my questions.  But I also couldn't ignore the longing I had to embrace this personal God.  

I remember wanting to believe prior to then.  I mean who doesn't want to believe that there's a God up there who loves us and cherishes us and wants us?  I just never could, prior to then, see past my questions to embrace Him.  But that night, I can't explain it except to say that God just became unbelievably real to me.  In that moment my questions just didn't matter much.  It wasn't that I found answers for everything, I didn't.  But Jesus, God and faith became personal.

Since then I've continually tried to live my life in a way that is connected to and honoring God.  Sometimes I've been successful and a lot of times I've failed miserably.  I've had seasons of closeness with God and seasons where I wanted to be back in charge of life.  I've made lots of mistakes, still do.  But there is one thing I've stuck to.  I believe God is real, I believe He is who He says He is and that He loved me (and you by the way) so much that He sent His only son to reconcile us to Him so we could have a personal relationship with Him.  And that is the framework for my life.

I don't understand why bad things happen or good things happen.  I don't understand a lot of things.  I don't understand why there's hurt and illness and war...my list could go on and on.  But I do know that God is good.  God is love.  God is faithful.  God is personal and here right beside me.  Because I know these things when something uncertain happens I look to Him and say, "God, I don't get it.  I don't understand but You do and I trust You.  Whatever happens, I choose You."

It's a really long way of getting here but everything I'm about to tell you regarding James David is filtered through my lens of God knows and He can make good out of any heartache or trial.  So while I'm not excited or happy about our most recent turn of events I'm also not devastated.  This isn't Earth shattering because I know the One who created the Earth.  And no matter what happens, I trust Him.  My hope isn't controlled by my circumstances.  My hope is in Him and He never fails me.

On to my little one.  Let's start with some celebrating!  Last Saturday Matt and I celebrated two big milestones.  We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary AND reaching the 28 week mark!  HOORAY!  28 weeks was a big deal because 1. it allows us to stay in the Paducah NICU vs. traveling to Nashville or Louisville, 2. it's the point where our sons survivability rate is at about 90% successful and we can finally begin planning to bring a baby home one day!  We partied hard purchasing some nursery items and baby clothes, even a double stroller...it was a truly awesome milestone :)

At our beginning of May appointment we found out that James David was a little fella, only in 16% for his weight.  We have been waiting since then for our next growth ultrasound which was yesterday.  We really wanted this little boy to grow, otherwise I would be put on strict bedrest for 2 weeks and then they would take the baby.  Yesterday's growth ultrasound revealed that he was now 2 lbs. and 10 oz!  Our doctor told us she was not concerned with his growth anymore based on these results.  That earned a big HOORAY too!

On the uncertain side.  Our ultrasound yesterday also revealed that the fluid around James David is very low...in the 5th percentile.  Traditionally, with fluid that low they would take the baby immediately.  However, because he's still so young (29 weeks tomorrow) we are going to try and delay.  So, I am on bedrest :)  Not nearly as strict as some women have to experience but bedrest none-the-less.  The goal of this bedrest is to focus my bloodflow on my pelvic area where James David is and hopefully help him generate more fluid.  By restricting my movement my blood flow will not be sent elsewhere (to legs etc.).  Matt is also pouring water into me like the flood!  LOL!

Next Friday (one week from today), we'll go back to the doctor.  If my fluid is not higher then I will be admitted to the hospital.  We believe the goal is to reach 31-32 weeks before they take the baby unless it's necessary before then.  They also confirmed that he is in the breech position (poor fellow is folded up like a taco with his feet over his head!) and we are looking at a c-section.  I was very fortunate to not have to have Ellie via c-section last time and certainly wish I could avoid it this go around too but, I'll settle for having a viable, survivable baby ;)

We have so much to be thankful for already that it's hard to be too down about some of the things that didn't go our way.  I've never had surgery or stitches before so the thought of c-section is well....petrifying.  But I am so grateful for a little boy who has made it to almost 29 weeks I say, bring it on!  Is giving birth to a 31-32 week baby my preference?  No, it could make for a long NICU stay, lots of hospital bills and tricky scheduling to try and be with both of my children.  But I have a son who God willing, I will get to meet on Earth and I wasn't sure that would be true before so, bring it on!  I have an amazing husband who is taking great care of me while I'm on bedrest, caring and giving friends who already are making everything better...I am so humbled already by all the goodness I've received.

It's conflicting for sure.  On one hand I am scared and uncertain, overwhelmed and anxious.  But then I just remind myself that God will see me through.  Whether it all goes best case scenario or worst case scenario, He is faithful.  "Who do you say that I am?"  My answer, no matter what, is, "You are the Christ, the son of the living God!"  And I will follow You.

Ignorance is bliss! Or not...

I'll be honest...I haven't written much because well...I've felt great!  We are going to the doctor right now every other week and each time we get good news.  I get shots each week that give me a sense of control that is totally fake but feels good.  I am currently 22.5 weeks along and 24 weeks is the point of viability...when you're this close it's hard not to feel optimistic!

So here I am.  Going about my merry way doing my merry business.  Not thinking about or worrying about much of anything.  Until I saw a beautiful and heart wrenching photo a friend shared.  Her baby was stillborn at 8 months and his headstone just came in, the picture was of his beautiful grave.  I fell apart.  Both for her and for me.  Because ignoring reality isn't the same thing as dealing with it.  Fake trust in God isn't trust at all.  And I've been faking it lately.

Instead of looking reality in the face and saying, "knowing all of this I choose to trust You Father." I've looked at mirages of security and applauded my obvious growth and faith.  What foolishness.  

Today I was reading in Romans 4 and it talks about how Abraham continued to hope and have faith in God even while acknowledging that Sarah (his wife) was old and he older and the chances of a child, without a miracle, were impossible.  Abraham looked at reality and trusted.  That's real faith.  That's real trust.  

The reality of our situation (and yours too by the way) is that it hurts.  It hurts so bad.  I called Matt immediately after seeing the picture, crying of course, and told him it just reminded me how much I really do want this baby!  I want to meet him here on earth SO badly.  This is a deeper more gut-wrenching pain than anything I've ever experienced.  Suddenly I didn't want to pray, Your will be done God.  I wanted to pray, save my baby!!  PLEASE.

But that's the difference between faking it and the real McCoy.  Faking it doesn't really bring out much emotion in us.  It doesn't really require much.  Just stuff your emotions down into a place you can't find and pretend like the whole world is great!  And it'll look very "mature".  People will admire how well you're handling this situation and how much you're clearly trusting God.

But when you really trust God...it hurts.  It means I'm actually taking all of my hopes and dreams of this child and pouring them into God's capable hands.  Now, with real trust also comes real peace.  But it still hurts.  I want my baby.  I want him so badly.  I love him so much and the thought of not having him just...hurts.  BUT, when I'm not faking it, when I'm really trusting God I also can look at this enormous sorrow and say with confidence, my God can redeem this.  He can take these circumstances and make them good somehow.  And that gives me such peace...something I cannot experience when I'm faking it.

Faking it is easier.  It's simpler.  It's less painful.  In the short run.  Trusting is harder.  It requires a constant surrender...like every 5 minutes I have to put my trust back in God because I've already tried to take it back.  Trusting hurts...it doesn't allow me to ignore the feelings and emotions and reality of what we face.  But trusting brings peace.  A peace that passes understanding.

So, I'm back to trusting God.  I'm back to hurting and acknowledging I have no control over this situation no matter how many shots I get.  And you know what?  It feels restful and peaceful...it feels like home.

18-20 Week Update!

Well it's been awhile since I've updated anyone!  I know everyone says it, but no matter how cliche...it's been a busy month!  Matt went to South Africa for a week, we took Ellie on her first long distance trip (long distance meaning 6 hours!  HOORAY for Atlanta!), and of course we're still plowing along with our little baby boy.

As of a little over 2 weeks ago my cervical length was doing very well with our little boy.  I was 18 weeks at that point and it was a huge relief to know that for that moment all was well.  We return this Friday to get remeasured and are hoping for continued good news on that front.  

Additionally we got the great news that our insurance has agreed to cover the cost of Makena shots for me.  Makena is a hormone shot given intermuscularly each week from about week 18 of a pregnancy through week 36 (or until baby is born).  It's been proven to reduce the chances of preterm labor in women who had preterm labor previously.  So I got my first shot last week!  It's uncertain whether this shot will be effective with my condition, since it's fairly rare research hasn't really been done to determine that, but as the doctor said, "It can't hurt!"!  I HATE shots but I'm game for anything that will help our little boy stay put as long as possible.  

This past Saturday we reached 20 weeks...we have 4 weeks left before we reach the point of viability and 8 weeks left before we reach our "goal".  As Matt often reminds me, we take it one day at a time.  Every morning we wake up and thank God for one more night and every night we thank God for one more day.  It's really all we can do for now :)

So there's our most recent update!  I'm processing through a lot of things right now so keep your eyes peeled for a super long post coming soon ;)

The strong man....

If you haven't heard yet we are going to be having a BOY!  Both Matt and I are so excited to have a little man in the house :)  As I mentioned before though, it makes it more personal.  There are definitely times where I desperately want to retreat from knowing this little person and it takes a lot of energy to remain engaged with the whole pregnancy.  One piece of scripture I've been trying to focus in on lately is in Luke 22 when Jesus is in the garden just before his arrest and crucifixion.  It's something of an iconic passage for the Christian faith.

Jesus prays essentially, "not my will but Your (God's) will be done".  I've heard it a million times growing up in church.  People always quote it when they're facing difficult situations and the like.  So naturally I was drawn to it as well.  To be honest, in the past when I've pulled the not my will but Yours card I'm typically meaning, "not my will but Yours...preferably mine".  I don't know if I've ever really found a way to pray that statement without secretly still very much wanting MY will to be done.  And of course since God is everywhere all the time it's not really much of a secret.

So, this week as I got out my bible and started reading I went straight to Luke 22 and began reading.  Here's what I found (it begins with Jesus praying), "Father, if you are willing please take this cup of suffering away from me.  Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine."  Hmmm...the part I always remember is just the Your will not mine section.  But it turns out Jesus wasn't ready to give up the fight yet either.  He knew the death he would face and it was going to be agony.  He knew it would be hard.  And he wasn't afraid to admit to God, I don't want to do this.

How often do I try to hide my feelings from God?  I offer up an insincere "have Your way, Father" prayer and then wonder why I feel distant from Him.  I wonder why our relationship doesn't have that closeness that we've had in the past.  It's not surprising though when I recognize I'm not being honest or authentic with God.  How many friendships can last based on pretense?  None.  When I take out the honest plea for my preference I take the authenticity from my relationship with God.  I don't have to pretend like it doesn't matter to me whether my son lives or dies.  Which is a good thing because it does matter to me!  

Looking at "Your will be done" through this lens changes things for me.  It allows me to acknowledge how much I want my son to live and grow up and play basketball with Matt in the driveway and go on his first date and mow yards to make a little extra cash.  All the while expressing my desire to know my son simultaneously agreeing that God is good and He can make any bad situation into something good.

Before faith meant something more like suppressing the disagreeing emotions and saying, "God is in control."  Now I see faith as more like acknowledging the fear, the hurt, the confusion and still leaning into God.  Taking all my doubts with me into my dialogue with Him.  It's made a big difference for me personally.

Next is my favorite part though...verse 43 says, "Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him."  Did you get that?  God the Father knew Jesus had to die for my sins and knew He had to endure the horrible death.  But He wasn't about to abandon Jesus.  Instead He strengthened Him.  I can't lie...I don't really want to be strengthened.  I want my way.  

When Ellie is refusing to nap and I'm ready to collapse from emotional and physical exhaustion, I don't want to be strengthened.  I want to be rescued!  I want it all to disappear!  When I'm feeling lonely and afraid I don't want to be strengthened I want to know it will all be okay!  But sometimes, we go through things.  Bad things.  Hard things.  And if we, if I'm, not careful we'll miss the strength because we're busy dreaming of a rescue.

Every time I feel a cramp or a twinge or a weird feeling (which as anyone who's been pregnant can tell you is constantly!) my mind thinks, "Is this it? Is this the beginning of the end?"  That's a very emotionally exhausting state.  I'm not a worrier by nature but I do have constant reminders that things may not be okay.  Trust me, the thing I need most from God is strength.  The strength to say, "God, I want this baby more than anything.  And if it's possible for me to have him then I will be grateful.  But I trust You to prepare me for what I don't know.  Give me strength for today because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but You do.  And that's enough."

I wish I could put into words how revolutionary this is for me.  But it's huge.  I spend a lot more time in honest conversation with God now.  I admit I'm scared a lot more.  That I hurt a lot more.  That I want to give up a lot more.  And the most awesome thing happens.  He comes and strengthens me.  In my weakness, He is strong.