Perspective and a James David Johnson update!

One of the most frequent questions I get asked is, "How are you doing?".  Usually followed by a statement similar to, "I can't imagine how hard this must be.".  And you know what?  They're right.  It is incredibly hard.  I can't think of one thing about this entire period of my life that has been "easy".  

• It's hard to be disciplined enough to go pump every 3 hours during the day instead of nursing a baby in my arms.  It's even harder to get up and pump every 4 hours at night :)  
• It's hard to leave Ellie every night knowing how well she does in a routine but how much she can struggle when she doesn't get it.  It's hard choosing to make her struggle.  
• It's hard to know at various points throughout the day James David is crying and there's no momma to comfort him.  
• It's hard driving to Paducah every night when you're emotionally and physically tired...longing for the good 'ole days when you stayed home every night.  
• It's hard seeing JD hooked up to tubes and wires, knowing he belongs home with me but having to wait.  

It's all hard.  That's just the reality of the situation.  If I wanted to, I think I could make a decent case for wallowing in self pity.  I mean our circumstances are pretty sucky.  But then I'm reminded of some things.  I'm reminded that:

• I have the distinct privilege of providing my son with food, nutrients and important antibodies.  Not all moms get to successfully pump and provide for their child this way.  I am so fortunate that I get to!

• We are so blessed to have grandparents who Ellie adores that will give up literally every night of the week to come and watch her and put her to bed so that she can stay in her routine.  Not everyone has family members willing to make those sacrifices.

• JD is adored by the nursing staff at Baptist Health!  Trust me when I say, he is not lacking for anything in their care!  While I long to be there and be "momma" it is a huge comfort knowing the kind of love, attention and affection he is receiving right now.  It gives me peace of mind knowing they are watching over him.

• Driving to Paducah every night has given Matt and I the unique opportunity to communicate and share about this experience with each other in a way that we probably wouldn't be able to otherwise.  It gives us time to connect and lean on each other, unpack our days and emotions.  I bet there are a lot of parents out there with two kids who would give a right arm for 2 hours of guaranteed alone time with their spouse!

• My son is healthy and happy.  What more can I ask for?  I haven't lost him to cancer or another illness.  I didn't have to struggle through a miscarriage or a stillbirth.  He isn't going to have to live with a disease for the rest of his life.  Sure, we have to be patient as he grows but he is healthy.  I am so blessed!

Perspective changes everything.  I can choose to focus on all the hard stuff.  Because it is hard.  But focusing on it doesn't make it any less hard.  Or I can choose to focus on being grateful for all the good things.  And that does make it less hard.

Passed out after daddy fed us for the first time!

 JAMES UPDATE:

It's hard to believe but our boy is one month old today!  My goodness time has flown by ever since I was put on bedrest 6 weeks ago.  JD just keeps on growing and getting bigger.  As of yesterday he was already up to a little over 4 lbs.!!  Big boy :)  He has been out of the incubator for awhile now and is maintaining his body temperature wonderfully.  If you remember that is one of the three milestones he has to achieve.

He has moved from receiving my milk via feeding tube to bottle feedings most of the time.  He actually got his feeding tube out for several days but they did have to put it back in recently which is normal.  He still takes most feedings through a bottle now though.  They have been fortifying my milk (mixing it with a high calorie formula to help him gain weight) and that is something that will continue even once he's home for awhile.  They are trying dropping him from a 24 calorie milk to a 22 calorie milk though (breastmilk has 20 calories).  We still have several steps before this milestone (able to feed himself) is reached but progress is definitely being made!!

The final milestone is breathing on his own with no apnea episodes for 5 consecutive days.  Previously he has been on caffeine, which is how they combat the apnea episodes, however they took him completely off of caffeine about a week ago.  He still has a few small apnea episodes a day which again, is very normal for a baby his age.  Some babies take till their due date (ours was August 17) to resolve these episodes and others are able to do it sooner.  Thankfully they will not send him home until they are gone, which makes me feel SO much better!!

Siblings under the age of 2 aren't allowed in the NICU so Ellie has yet to meet her baby brother.  However, she did get to see him from a distance last Sunday!!  We've been making videos of us holding him and showing them to her so when she saw him (from about 10-12 feet away) she said, "Baby!"!  LOL!  We considered that a win :)  Ellie has been my sanity through this all.  Anytime I miss baby James I just hug her!  Thankfully she's a cuddler and doesn't mind!  This experience has definitely completely changed my perspective on my beautiful little girl.  Not being able to hold her and pick her up and put her down for a nap or bedtime for 4 weeks (2 weeks of bedrest and 2 weeks post surgery) has made our time together extra sweet.  

It's easy to focus on the child who is in the NICU when I blog but the reality is that Ellie needs me a lot more than James right now.  And I'm forever grateful to Dr. Savells for pointing out that truth to me early on in my pregnancy when we learned JD would probably be early.  It won't be long till James David is home so I want to cherish these last few weeks of just Ellie and me while I can.  She is the delight of my heart...so I have to include an Ellie pic (and trust me, her and JD look a LOT alike!)!

Big sister!

People often ask what's next.  Great question!  Once James David gets all 3 of his milestones reached they will have Matt and I come stay at the hospital with him for 1-2 nights.  They call this "rooming in" and basically we'll have a "normal" newborn experience.  He'll stay with us in the room like if I'd just had him.  Then we'll come home!  HOORAY!  We've still got quite a bit of time before this happens (remember they shoot for baby to come home around their original due date which isn't until August 17th).

Look how big I'm getting! 7/14/13

THANK YOU!!

Matt and I cannot begin to say thank you enough to all the people who have helped us and been praying for us and our little family.  We've always known we were blessed with an awesome support system but you all have humbled us with your love and generosity.  We love all of you!!

This is the closest we currently have to a family picture of all 4 of us!