Tomorrow is a big day for us...at least potentially! Tomorrow is my second doctor's appointment AND the day we are supposed to find out if this little one is a boy or a girl. It's amazing the myriad of emotions that have come and gone through me as this day approaches. Almost a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario.
The selfish side of me isn't sure I want to know if it's a boy or a girl. Knowing makes this baby even more personal. Losing my baby girl or boy feels more painful than just losing my baby. Plus, once you know the gender you pick a name. Then it's not just a baby it's Jack or Jane or whatever name. Each step of this journey I find myself wanting to balk. To go into a self protective mode and ignore that I'm even pregnant until we're past the danger zone at 28 weeks. Then I'll name them and connect with them and love them. That's my Mr. Hyde side.
Then there's the other side. The part of me that is desperate to give this baby a name and an identity in our family. The part that cannot wait to meet him or her and dreams of holding them and loving them as long as God lets me. And this is the part of me that hurts every time I think of losing our precious gift. This side of me cries a lot more :) But it also turns to God a lot more. Acknowledging and embracing and celebrating this baby draws me to my heavenly Father in ways that my self-protective side doesn't.
See, the Mr. Hyde in me is trying to be in charge and control. I pretend I don't need anyone or anybody, including God. I'm tough...GRRR. Of course it's all an illusion. There is no control in this situation. The barricade I try to build will crumble down and in the process I will lose a valuable opportunity to grow closer to my God.
When I'm vulnerable enough to admit that I hurt so bad sometimes when I think of this baby, that's when God is allowed to come along side me and comfort me. When I admit I'm scared, He can show me I need not fear. In my greatest weaknesses He is allowed to be who He is...God. Creator of the universe who loves me and my baby and will carry me through anything. Resting in Him provides me peace and strength. Resting in me creates stress and tension.
So why even resist? Tomorrow I will hopefully find out if Matt and I will have a son or a daughter and we will celebrate. I hope you'll join us :)
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