Ignorance is bliss! Or not...

I'll be honest...I haven't written much because well...I've felt great!  We are going to the doctor right now every other week and each time we get good news.  I get shots each week that give me a sense of control that is totally fake but feels good.  I am currently 22.5 weeks along and 24 weeks is the point of viability...when you're this close it's hard not to feel optimistic!

So here I am.  Going about my merry way doing my merry business.  Not thinking about or worrying about much of anything.  Until I saw a beautiful and heart wrenching photo a friend shared.  Her baby was stillborn at 8 months and his headstone just came in, the picture was of his beautiful grave.  I fell apart.  Both for her and for me.  Because ignoring reality isn't the same thing as dealing with it.  Fake trust in God isn't trust at all.  And I've been faking it lately.

Instead of looking reality in the face and saying, "knowing all of this I choose to trust You Father." I've looked at mirages of security and applauded my obvious growth and faith.  What foolishness.  

Today I was reading in Romans 4 and it talks about how Abraham continued to hope and have faith in God even while acknowledging that Sarah (his wife) was old and he older and the chances of a child, without a miracle, were impossible.  Abraham looked at reality and trusted.  That's real faith.  That's real trust.  

The reality of our situation (and yours too by the way) is that it hurts.  It hurts so bad.  I called Matt immediately after seeing the picture, crying of course, and told him it just reminded me how much I really do want this baby!  I want to meet him here on earth SO badly.  This is a deeper more gut-wrenching pain than anything I've ever experienced.  Suddenly I didn't want to pray, Your will be done God.  I wanted to pray, save my baby!!  PLEASE.

But that's the difference between faking it and the real McCoy.  Faking it doesn't really bring out much emotion in us.  It doesn't really require much.  Just stuff your emotions down into a place you can't find and pretend like the whole world is great!  And it'll look very "mature".  People will admire how well you're handling this situation and how much you're clearly trusting God.

But when you really trust God...it hurts.  It means I'm actually taking all of my hopes and dreams of this child and pouring them into God's capable hands.  Now, with real trust also comes real peace.  But it still hurts.  I want my baby.  I want him so badly.  I love him so much and the thought of not having him just...hurts.  BUT, when I'm not faking it, when I'm really trusting God I also can look at this enormous sorrow and say with confidence, my God can redeem this.  He can take these circumstances and make them good somehow.  And that gives me such peace...something I cannot experience when I'm faking it.

Faking it is easier.  It's simpler.  It's less painful.  In the short run.  Trusting is harder.  It requires a constant surrender...like every 5 minutes I have to put my trust back in God because I've already tried to take it back.  Trusting hurts...it doesn't allow me to ignore the feelings and emotions and reality of what we face.  But trusting brings peace.  A peace that passes understanding.

So, I'm back to trusting God.  I'm back to hurting and acknowledging I have no control over this situation no matter how many shots I get.  And you know what?  It feels restful and peaceful...it feels like home.

18-20 Week Update!

Well it's been awhile since I've updated anyone!  I know everyone says it, but no matter how cliche...it's been a busy month!  Matt went to South Africa for a week, we took Ellie on her first long distance trip (long distance meaning 6 hours!  HOORAY for Atlanta!), and of course we're still plowing along with our little baby boy.

As of a little over 2 weeks ago my cervical length was doing very well with our little boy.  I was 18 weeks at that point and it was a huge relief to know that for that moment all was well.  We return this Friday to get remeasured and are hoping for continued good news on that front.  

Additionally we got the great news that our insurance has agreed to cover the cost of Makena shots for me.  Makena is a hormone shot given intermuscularly each week from about week 18 of a pregnancy through week 36 (or until baby is born).  It's been proven to reduce the chances of preterm labor in women who had preterm labor previously.  So I got my first shot last week!  It's uncertain whether this shot will be effective with my condition, since it's fairly rare research hasn't really been done to determine that, but as the doctor said, "It can't hurt!"!  I HATE shots but I'm game for anything that will help our little boy stay put as long as possible.  

This past Saturday we reached 20 weeks...we have 4 weeks left before we reach the point of viability and 8 weeks left before we reach our "goal".  As Matt often reminds me, we take it one day at a time.  Every morning we wake up and thank God for one more night and every night we thank God for one more day.  It's really all we can do for now :)

So there's our most recent update!  I'm processing through a lot of things right now so keep your eyes peeled for a super long post coming soon ;)

The strong man....

If you haven't heard yet we are going to be having a BOY!  Both Matt and I are so excited to have a little man in the house :)  As I mentioned before though, it makes it more personal.  There are definitely times where I desperately want to retreat from knowing this little person and it takes a lot of energy to remain engaged with the whole pregnancy.  One piece of scripture I've been trying to focus in on lately is in Luke 22 when Jesus is in the garden just before his arrest and crucifixion.  It's something of an iconic passage for the Christian faith.

Jesus prays essentially, "not my will but Your (God's) will be done".  I've heard it a million times growing up in church.  People always quote it when they're facing difficult situations and the like.  So naturally I was drawn to it as well.  To be honest, in the past when I've pulled the not my will but Yours card I'm typically meaning, "not my will but Yours...preferably mine".  I don't know if I've ever really found a way to pray that statement without secretly still very much wanting MY will to be done.  And of course since God is everywhere all the time it's not really much of a secret.

So, this week as I got out my bible and started reading I went straight to Luke 22 and began reading.  Here's what I found (it begins with Jesus praying), "Father, if you are willing please take this cup of suffering away from me.  Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine."  Hmmm...the part I always remember is just the Your will not mine section.  But it turns out Jesus wasn't ready to give up the fight yet either.  He knew the death he would face and it was going to be agony.  He knew it would be hard.  And he wasn't afraid to admit to God, I don't want to do this.

How often do I try to hide my feelings from God?  I offer up an insincere "have Your way, Father" prayer and then wonder why I feel distant from Him.  I wonder why our relationship doesn't have that closeness that we've had in the past.  It's not surprising though when I recognize I'm not being honest or authentic with God.  How many friendships can last based on pretense?  None.  When I take out the honest plea for my preference I take the authenticity from my relationship with God.  I don't have to pretend like it doesn't matter to me whether my son lives or dies.  Which is a good thing because it does matter to me!  

Looking at "Your will be done" through this lens changes things for me.  It allows me to acknowledge how much I want my son to live and grow up and play basketball with Matt in the driveway and go on his first date and mow yards to make a little extra cash.  All the while expressing my desire to know my son simultaneously agreeing that God is good and He can make any bad situation into something good.

Before faith meant something more like suppressing the disagreeing emotions and saying, "God is in control."  Now I see faith as more like acknowledging the fear, the hurt, the confusion and still leaning into God.  Taking all my doubts with me into my dialogue with Him.  It's made a big difference for me personally.

Next is my favorite part though...verse 43 says, "Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him."  Did you get that?  God the Father knew Jesus had to die for my sins and knew He had to endure the horrible death.  But He wasn't about to abandon Jesus.  Instead He strengthened Him.  I can't lie...I don't really want to be strengthened.  I want my way.  

When Ellie is refusing to nap and I'm ready to collapse from emotional and physical exhaustion, I don't want to be strengthened.  I want to be rescued!  I want it all to disappear!  When I'm feeling lonely and afraid I don't want to be strengthened I want to know it will all be okay!  But sometimes, we go through things.  Bad things.  Hard things.  And if we, if I'm, not careful we'll miss the strength because we're busy dreaming of a rescue.

Every time I feel a cramp or a twinge or a weird feeling (which as anyone who's been pregnant can tell you is constantly!) my mind thinks, "Is this it? Is this the beginning of the end?"  That's a very emotionally exhausting state.  I'm not a worrier by nature but I do have constant reminders that things may not be okay.  Trust me, the thing I need most from God is strength.  The strength to say, "God, I want this baby more than anything.  And if it's possible for me to have him then I will be grateful.  But I trust You to prepare me for what I don't know.  Give me strength for today because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but You do.  And that's enough."

I wish I could put into words how revolutionary this is for me.  But it's huge.  I spend a lot more time in honest conversation with God now.  I admit I'm scared a lot more.  That I hurt a lot more.  That I want to give up a lot more.  And the most awesome thing happens.  He comes and strengthens me.  In my weakness, He is strong.     

The waiting game...

Tomorrow is a big day for us...at least potentially!  Tomorrow is my second doctor's appointment AND the day we are supposed to find out if this little one is a boy or a girl.  It's amazing the myriad of emotions that have come and gone through me as this day approaches.  Almost a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario.

The selfish side of me isn't sure I want to know if it's a boy or a girl.  Knowing makes this baby even more personal.  Losing my baby girl or boy feels more painful than just losing my baby.  Plus, once you know the gender you pick a name.  Then it's not just a baby it's Jack or Jane or whatever name.  Each step of this journey I find myself wanting to balk.  To go into a self protective mode and ignore that I'm even pregnant until we're past the danger zone at 28 weeks.  Then I'll name them and connect with them and love them.  That's my Mr. Hyde side.  

Then there's the other side.  The part of me that is desperate to give this baby a name and an identity in our family.  The part that cannot wait to meet him or her and dreams of holding them and loving them as long as God lets me.  And this is the part of me that hurts every time I think of losing our precious gift.  This side of me cries a lot more :)  But it also turns to God a lot more.  Acknowledging and embracing and celebrating this baby draws me to my heavenly Father in ways that my self-protective side doesn't.  

See, the Mr. Hyde in me is trying to be in charge and control.  I pretend I don't need anyone or anybody, including God.  I'm tough...GRRR.  Of course it's all an illusion.  There is no control in this situation.  The barricade I try to build will crumble down and in the process I will lose a valuable opportunity to grow closer to my God.

When I'm vulnerable enough to admit that I hurt so bad sometimes when I think of this baby, that's when God is allowed to come along side me and comfort me.  When I admit I'm scared, He can show me I need not fear.  In my greatest weaknesses He is allowed to be who He is...God.  Creator of the universe who loves me and my baby and will carry me through anything.  Resting in Him provides me peace and strength.  Resting in me creates stress and tension.

So why even resist?  Tomorrow I will hopefully find out if Matt and I will have a son or a daughter and we will celebrate.  I hope you'll join us :)  

It is well...

This blog is called The Johnson Family Ramblings so that should tell you it's bound to be lengthy.  Today consider this your warning...it's gonna be extra long!

Matt and I kicked off the new year a little early this year when we found out I was expecting again on December 28th!  Those are the moments you can't forget, the joy and the excitement of it.  As I've mentioned before with Ellie, I have a set time each month that I test for pregnancy because I do not have regular cycles.  I had already tested in the beginning of December because I thought I might be pregnant.  Much to my disappointment the test came back negative.  So we moved on.  Except I still wasn't having my cycle and my milk for Ellie was drying up.  But it was the holidays and things were busy and I didn't think too much about it.  Until December 28th when I realized I might need to test again just to be safe.  POSITIVE!

Naturally I figured the test was messed up so I took 3 more...all positive!  Then I called the doctor and asked if breastfeeding could give you a false positive.  I was told, "You don't get three false positives...that's called being pregnant."  LOL!  It was a great day :) 

 I think one of the most common questions I get asked is, "Was this planned?"  I always chuckle when I hear it because you can tell that the person asking would not have planned it that way!  The truth is, I grew up with 20 months between me and my older sister.  I've always wanted to have my children close together and fortunately Matt was on board with that.  Those who are close to me have heard me give fair warning, "once we start having kids we're doing them fast!"  So, yes, this was intentional and we cannot wait to meet our little person!

As many know, I have a unique abnormality called a didelphys uterus.  It wasn't something we knew about until the spring before we got pregnant with Ellie.  You can google it but in a nutshell it means I have 2 uteruses and 2 cervixes.  With Ellie I was pregnant in the left uterus.  We have the most wonderful doctor and she helped us to understand the risks associated with my abnormality.  She does an excellent job of giving us the information we need without being overly optimistic or pessimistic.  I trust her completely.  Because of her guidance we were totally prepared when Ellie was born at 36 weeks and we understood what a huge deal it was that I was able to carry her that long given the circumstances.  Ellie truly was a miracle baby.

So we knew on the front end with this pregnancy we wanted to be pregnant in the left uterus again.  It had already proven to be able to carry a baby well and would allow us to have a "normal" pregnancy...something we hadn't yet experienced!  At our first doctor's appointment we found out this baby is in the right uterus.  

Speaking with our doctor we had to face the obstacles we had hoped to avoid.  Late-term miscarriages.  Very early pre-term baby.  It was hard.  Really hard.  No one wants to hear from their doctor that they may never get to meet their baby on earth.  Once again though, our doctor was wonderful being honest and thorough in explaining the situation.  The extra complication this time around is that it's pretty rare that a person with my condition has 2 equally sized uteruses.  Typically one is larger and one is smaller.  Since the left side carried Ellie so well it is logical to presume that it would have been the larger uterus.  Meaning the right is the smaller.  Further meaning the risks of miscarriage and pre-term labor are higher than last time.  

While our official due date is in August our goal is to make it to 28 weeks which would be the end of May beginning of June.  Now we wait and count weeks.

I've been asked why we would choose to tell people we were expecting at all, given the circumstances.  I think the answer is two fold, one part practical and the other part deeply personal.  Practically speaking, my risks for miscarriage will be in the 5-6 month range.  I would not be able to keep from showing at that point so to hide it seems futile.

On a personal level though, I still wouldn't want to hide it.  I believe that the moment conception occurs a soul is created by God and placed inside my little baby.  To me, this little 13 week old inside of me is a person.  A person with a personality and distinct features.  From the moment I was pregnant I no longer had a child.  I had children.  Whether I get to meet him or her on this earth is irrelevant to me in the sense of I will always have 2 children.  For me (and this is very personal so I am speaking only from my perspective), to not share that child with others is like ignoring them.  It just feels so...false.  Ellie has a sister or brother.  Matt and I have another son or daughter.  How could we not celebrate that?

It's not easy.  Not knowing if I will get to know this child.  But there is one thing I do know.  God is good.  God is love.  And while my circumstances may not always feel good or loving I know that God can come along the bad and make something beautiful from it.  Beauty for ashes.  He has proven that to me so many times before.  Through it all I find the most comfort that if I cannot have this baby to hold on earth, there is no one more loving or perfect to care for him or her than God until the time that I get to finally meet them in heaven.  Isn't that a wonderful comfort?  To know, this isn't the end.  I'm not potentially losing my baby forever.  Just for a time.  But one day, we will be a complete family again.  In the meantime, I bet Matt's grandad would teach them how to do a great fish fry :)

At night, when we're putting Ellie to bed, I'll rock her while she eats her bottle and sing different songs to her.  The day we found out about all the risks and possible complications I started singing to her one of my favorite hymns, It Is Well With My Soul.  The lyrics read,

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrow like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul

Todd Fields wrote a new chorus to accompany the verses that says,

It is well, it is well

God has won, Christ prevailed

It is well, it is well with my soul

Naturally as I was singing it to Ellie I was crying (it certainly wasn't the prettiest rendition!) but every night as I continue to sing it to her it becomes so much more than just a comforting song.  It becomes a prayer and then a statement and finally an exclamation!  

Father God, I don't know what you have in store for this baby.  But I know You already know what will happen and I trust You to prepare me and Matt for whatever we might face.  Scripture says to, "lean not into my own understanding" so instead we will lean hard into Your understanding and knowledge.  No matter what happens, we will love You and follow You.  You have won, God, Christ has prevailed!  There is no fear in death because we know You!  So, we never have to say good-bye forever...just see you soon.  It is well with my soul.  Amen.     

Reaction Theory

Every time I put Ellie down to sleep, whether it's for a nap or bedtime or a middle of the night feeding, I always pray for 3 things while we're rocking: patience, strength and to fall more in love with her and Matt everyday.

If you're a parent (and probably even if you aren't!) you can probably figure out why I'm praying for those 3 things constantly :)  Last week as I was rocking her and praying I found myself saying to God something along these lines, "I don't want to spend Ellie's life merely reacting to her..."  And it was that thought that spawned a whole slew of thoughts.

Reacting as a parent is often a necessity, especially when they're little.  Ellie cries, I react.  Ellie laughs, I react.  Ellie poops, I react.  Ellie yawns, I react.  You get the idea.  The reason I didn't want for my relationship with her to revolve around reacting is because it feels very...surviving and not thriving.  I'm not interested in spending my time just surviving with Ellie, although I have been in that stage before and probably will at some point again.  But I don't want to live there.

Surviving to me is pretty unenjoyable.  It's a flat line, a plateau of cause and effect.  You watch shows like Survivor and you don't think to yourself, man that looks like fun!  You never feel like you're making progress because you're merely reacting to problems as they arise.  It feels a lot like spinning your wheels!  That's because "just surviving" is the antithesis of LIFE.  Sure, lots of us have had to live here in the survival camp but no one wants to stay.  We want to move into thriving.

Thriving is anticipatory.  You have goals or dreams and you move forward to achieve them.  It's not stagnant, you see progress!  You aren't waiting to see what life brings to you, instead you bring it to life!  It's having the freedom to choose what you do and how you do it.  This is where we want to be, no matter what arena of life.  

Surviving Ellie looks like me going through the day changing diapers and just trying to make it until Matt gets home.  I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying who Ellie is or being intentional about how I'm raising her.  Thriving with Ellie looks like having a goal of the kind of person I want her to be in 18 years and then working toward it, each day knowing progress is being made.  On those days I'm surprised when Matt walks through the door because time just flew by! 

Long story short, I don't want to be a reactive parent.  I want to be a proactive one.  I want to choose how I will raise Ellie and not just leave it up to chance or whatever happens.  That to me is what will make both of us more joyful and fulfilled people as she grows.

Now I have zero credentials when it comes to parenting.  I wouldn't even say I've successfully raised a 6 month old!  But, the more I thought about this idea of being in constant reaction to Ellie the more I realized that "reacting" had almost become a way of life for me.  And that bothered me for much the same reason as it bothered me to think I would spend all of Ellie's life merely reacting to her.

In regards to my health, I don't watch what I eat or how I'm eating until I get on the scale and see a number I don't like.  I don't make my relationship with Matt a priority until I notice one day we don't feel as close as we once did.  I don't take time to continually invest in friendships until one day I need a friend and I can't find one.  I don't show up for work and give it my all until a promotion comes open.  That's what a life of reacting looks like.  And it sucks.

The time to be aware of my health is NOW so there's never a weight problem, a heart issue, a health crisis.  The time to invest in my relationship is NOW so there's never a wall to tear down, or a divorce to be averted.  The time to invest in friendships is NOW so when I'm in need of counsel I have a place to go.  The time to work toward a promotion is before the opportunity ever comes so that when it does, I'm ready.

A proactive life allows me to choose where I want to go and what story I want to tell in 10 years.  Reactive living is an easy habit to fall into but it's one I know I want to avoid.  Not just for Ellie's sake but for mine too.

6 things for my 6 month old!

Ellie hit the 6 month mark over this weekend so in her honor here are my top 6 things I've learned or that surprised me or I'd do again or not do again...basically it's 6 random things!

6.   Getting an epidural doesn't hurt! 
          Since I'm a huge needle wimp that was a big deal to me.  I credit my anesthesiologist who was amazing but either way, no pain associated with epidural.

5.  Breastfeeding was a very natural reaction.  
          I was nervous about nursing Ellie for a lot of different reasons some provoked by vanity and others modesty.  Plus it just seemed awkward and weird.  But it wasn't.  At all.  I couldn't believe how totally natural it seemed.

4.  Try, try again!
          I would try something with Ellie at one point early on and it wouldn't work.  But then a few days, weeks months later I'd try it again and she'd love it!  This was true with swaddling, play mats, cereal, bath time...I could go on and on with things she initially hated and later loved (or vice versa)!

3.  Be flexible.
          I like to plan things out in my head like...today we're going to take a picnic lunch outside and sit under the tree.  It will be fun and a great time of mommy/daughter bonding.  We will cuddle and laugh and read books and probably fall asleep on our quilt.  It will be perfect.  And totally not going to happen.  We never made it out the door.  Mommy is defeated.  Keep trying and just remember...sometimes plans work out, sometimes they don't.  It's okay either way.

2.   I'm pretty self-centered.
          I want to get out of the house and do something, I don't care if it's Ellie's nap time.  I want to talk to people, not about Ellie.  I want to cook dinner, not hold Ellie.  I want to exercise, not cuddle Ellie.  I want some attention, not Ellie.  You don't realize how much your life revolves around ME until it doesn't anymore.  It's the healthiest and best adjustment your life could ever have to get off of ME but it's not an easy or fun transition.

1.  Momminess is either awful or awesome depending on my focus.
          When I focus on the tasks associated with Ellie's care...feeding her, changing her diapers, cleaning her room, washing her clothes, giving her a bath...the list is endless, when those things are my focus, being a mommy is awful.  I hate it.  I get irritated with her, with Matt, with myself, even the dogs!  But when I focus on Ellie as a person...her adorable giggles and the face she makes that looks just like grandad, her delight in a fun puzzle or her dad, her cuddles and sleepy smiles...when I focus on those things, being a mommy is the most awesome thing in the world.

And now...my Elle Belle in pictures!

*All photographs are courtesy of Makenzie Lynn Photography...best photographer and friend!