6 weeks in and counting!

I can't hardly believe that it was 6 weeks ago yesterday that James David Johnson made his big appearance!  Truth be told there are some days I can't believe I have a son at all.  Until he comes home the reality of his birth somehow feels surreal.  Like a very vivid dream.  And then I look down and I see my c-section scar and I remember.  That may seem rather odd to some people.  Maybe even outrageous.  

My mother-in-law joked with us one night as she and Robert watched Ellie that they don't think JD is really real, Matt and I are actually just going out each night taking advantage of free baby sitting!  I totally understood what she was saying and agreed.  Because he's always been at Baptist Health we haven't gotten to celebrate and share our little boy with others as we long to do.  However, as Matt always says, we're closer than we've ever been before to bringing him home!  Soon, it'll all be over and he'll be home...right where he belongs, with his daddy, momma and big sister :)

With all that in mind, here's an update on our little man.  About 2 weeks ago James developed an urinary tract infection, which is unusual in boys.  Our doctor said that it was just a random thing that happened.  To be safe they did do several tests including a renal ultrasound just to be sure that everything was working properly.  Thankfully, everything was perfect and it truly was just a random chance happening.

While the infection was not severe or life-endangering it did set us back just a little bit.  Keep in mind though, this is the first thing that has gone "wrong".  We have been so blessed!  The infection required a few rounds of antibiotics through an IV.  Naturally all of this wore our little man out so we had to backtrack a bit on his feedings and apnea episodes.  Just for about a week.  

Thankfully, the infection is completely taken care of now and he has made great progress!  He now eats wonderfully, taking between 45-60 mls at each feeding!  We are going to begin to try nursing tonight vs. taking the breastmilk from a bottle.  It will be a transition for him and while I hope that it goes well and we'll be able to move in that direction I also understand that he may not make the transition smoothly and we may have to bottle feed.  Either way he's getting the wonderful nutrition he needs so you won't hear me complain!

His apnea episodes have slowed down but are still occurring.  As you may remember he has met 2 of his 3 milestones required to go home.  The one milestone he's missing is going 5 consecutive days without any apnea episodes.  Thus far he's not gone longer than a day and a half.  Again, this is just a developmental thing and one we want completely figured out before he comes home so we are not upset at all that he has to stay a bit longer.  On the other side, because this is the last milestone there is always a chance he'll be coming home in 5 days.  Everyday could be day 1 of the 5, so you just never know!

That probably answers your biggest question, when is he coming home?!  Unfortunately, there's just no way to really know.  It could be 5 days from now it could be 2 weeks from now or it could be closer to his due date, August 17th!  In the meantime we just keep pushing forward, enjoying the time that we have each day with him.  He did cross the 5lb. mark this past Friday so he's really starting to look like a term baby.  He's making fun faces and "talking" to us...it's so fun to watch him grow!

Here are a few pictures to close...

Snuggling with momma...

Big eyes!

Conked out after eating!

Taking our bottle with serious eyes...

Daddy, the professional feeder!

Perspective and a James David Johnson update!

One of the most frequent questions I get asked is, "How are you doing?".  Usually followed by a statement similar to, "I can't imagine how hard this must be.".  And you know what?  They're right.  It is incredibly hard.  I can't think of one thing about this entire period of my life that has been "easy".  

• It's hard to be disciplined enough to go pump every 3 hours during the day instead of nursing a baby in my arms.  It's even harder to get up and pump every 4 hours at night :)  
• It's hard to leave Ellie every night knowing how well she does in a routine but how much she can struggle when she doesn't get it.  It's hard choosing to make her struggle.  
• It's hard to know at various points throughout the day James David is crying and there's no momma to comfort him.  
• It's hard driving to Paducah every night when you're emotionally and physically tired...longing for the good 'ole days when you stayed home every night.  
• It's hard seeing JD hooked up to tubes and wires, knowing he belongs home with me but having to wait.  

It's all hard.  That's just the reality of the situation.  If I wanted to, I think I could make a decent case for wallowing in self pity.  I mean our circumstances are pretty sucky.  But then I'm reminded of some things.  I'm reminded that:

• I have the distinct privilege of providing my son with food, nutrients and important antibodies.  Not all moms get to successfully pump and provide for their child this way.  I am so fortunate that I get to!

• We are so blessed to have grandparents who Ellie adores that will give up literally every night of the week to come and watch her and put her to bed so that she can stay in her routine.  Not everyone has family members willing to make those sacrifices.

• JD is adored by the nursing staff at Baptist Health!  Trust me when I say, he is not lacking for anything in their care!  While I long to be there and be "momma" it is a huge comfort knowing the kind of love, attention and affection he is receiving right now.  It gives me peace of mind knowing they are watching over him.

• Driving to Paducah every night has given Matt and I the unique opportunity to communicate and share about this experience with each other in a way that we probably wouldn't be able to otherwise.  It gives us time to connect and lean on each other, unpack our days and emotions.  I bet there are a lot of parents out there with two kids who would give a right arm for 2 hours of guaranteed alone time with their spouse!

• My son is healthy and happy.  What more can I ask for?  I haven't lost him to cancer or another illness.  I didn't have to struggle through a miscarriage or a stillbirth.  He isn't going to have to live with a disease for the rest of his life.  Sure, we have to be patient as he grows but he is healthy.  I am so blessed!

Perspective changes everything.  I can choose to focus on all the hard stuff.  Because it is hard.  But focusing on it doesn't make it any less hard.  Or I can choose to focus on being grateful for all the good things.  And that does make it less hard.

Passed out after daddy fed us for the first time!

 JAMES UPDATE:

It's hard to believe but our boy is one month old today!  My goodness time has flown by ever since I was put on bedrest 6 weeks ago.  JD just keeps on growing and getting bigger.  As of yesterday he was already up to a little over 4 lbs.!!  Big boy :)  He has been out of the incubator for awhile now and is maintaining his body temperature wonderfully.  If you remember that is one of the three milestones he has to achieve.

He has moved from receiving my milk via feeding tube to bottle feedings most of the time.  He actually got his feeding tube out for several days but they did have to put it back in recently which is normal.  He still takes most feedings through a bottle now though.  They have been fortifying my milk (mixing it with a high calorie formula to help him gain weight) and that is something that will continue even once he's home for awhile.  They are trying dropping him from a 24 calorie milk to a 22 calorie milk though (breastmilk has 20 calories).  We still have several steps before this milestone (able to feed himself) is reached but progress is definitely being made!!

The final milestone is breathing on his own with no apnea episodes for 5 consecutive days.  Previously he has been on caffeine, which is how they combat the apnea episodes, however they took him completely off of caffeine about a week ago.  He still has a few small apnea episodes a day which again, is very normal for a baby his age.  Some babies take till their due date (ours was August 17) to resolve these episodes and others are able to do it sooner.  Thankfully they will not send him home until they are gone, which makes me feel SO much better!!

Siblings under the age of 2 aren't allowed in the NICU so Ellie has yet to meet her baby brother.  However, she did get to see him from a distance last Sunday!!  We've been making videos of us holding him and showing them to her so when she saw him (from about 10-12 feet away) she said, "Baby!"!  LOL!  We considered that a win :)  Ellie has been my sanity through this all.  Anytime I miss baby James I just hug her!  Thankfully she's a cuddler and doesn't mind!  This experience has definitely completely changed my perspective on my beautiful little girl.  Not being able to hold her and pick her up and put her down for a nap or bedtime for 4 weeks (2 weeks of bedrest and 2 weeks post surgery) has made our time together extra sweet.  

It's easy to focus on the child who is in the NICU when I blog but the reality is that Ellie needs me a lot more than James right now.  And I'm forever grateful to Dr. Savells for pointing out that truth to me early on in my pregnancy when we learned JD would probably be early.  It won't be long till James David is home so I want to cherish these last few weeks of just Ellie and me while I can.  She is the delight of my heart...so I have to include an Ellie pic (and trust me, her and JD look a LOT alike!)!

Big sister!

People often ask what's next.  Great question!  Once James David gets all 3 of his milestones reached they will have Matt and I come stay at the hospital with him for 1-2 nights.  They call this "rooming in" and basically we'll have a "normal" newborn experience.  He'll stay with us in the room like if I'd just had him.  Then we'll come home!  HOORAY!  We've still got quite a bit of time before this happens (remember they shoot for baby to come home around their original due date which isn't until August 17th).

Look how big I'm getting! 7/14/13

THANK YOU!!

Matt and I cannot begin to say thank you enough to all the people who have helped us and been praying for us and our little family.  We've always known we were blessed with an awesome support system but you all have humbled us with your love and generosity.  We love all of you!!

This is the closest we currently have to a family picture of all 4 of us!

Welcome James David Johnson!

Dear friends,

Let me begin by saying that if you thought I posted long blogs before...GET READY!  LOL!  This one will most certainly be a record breaker but so much has happened and I can't bear to not share some of the amazing things.  To keep it simple for those of you who are skimmers I'm trying to utilize headings so you can just jump to the section you want and ignore some of my other ramblings :)

Getting Things Rolling...Friday, June 14th

On Friday, June 14th we went to our usual doctor's appointment for James David.  We were excited when we got done with the ultrasound because his fluid was holding steady, he was growing and everything looked good.  Maybe we would make it to 36 weeks after all!  Post ultrasound we went to the examination room to wait on our doctor.  For a few days I'd been experiencing a new sensation that I could really only describe as feeling like James was kicking me in the crotch.  Not a very lady like description but it really felt like it!  Just before our doctor arrived I told Matt that and we chuckled at our future soccer player of a son.  

When Dr. Savell's checked me she said, "Oh!" with a surprised look on her face and we knew she must have found something unusual because she does not surprise easily.  Turns out I was 2 cm dilated and JD's foot was sticking out!  So I really was getting kicked in the crotch!!  We knew then that I wouldn't get to leave the hospital pregnant again.  She admitted me to see if we couldn't take measures to stop labor from progressing for as long as possible.  I couldn't feel them yet but I was having contractions and that was a priority.  They gave me the first of 2 steroid shots to help develop his lungs and we waited to see what was next.

Saturday morning, really early they decided to begin magnesium.  Magnesium functions as a muscle relaxer so it can stop labor but more importantly it protects the center of his brain and helps it to develop.  They warned me though that Magnesium isn't a fun medication to be on.  It generally produces flu like symptoms.  I had the most amazing nurses working with me and they did everything possible to make sure I understood what was happening.  I would be on the Magnesium for 48 hours.  During that time I would have to be watched carefully to make sure there were no dangerous side effects one of which was fluid developing on my lungs.  To make sure I had a good output of fluids they also put in a catheter.  

Misery Loves Company...

Well...the Magnesium worked in that I stopped having contractions.  But that Saturday (June 15th) was one of the worst ones I can recall.  The Magnesium made me incredibly hot...poor Matt was freezing in the corner with a blanket and I was burning up!  Remember too, James' foot was sticking out right by that catheter and he loved to kick it, agitating it in the process!  By Saturday afternoon I was at my tolerable end.  I was a sobbing mess and I am so grateful that Matt was there to soothe me and work with the nurses to get a solution.  They, thankfully, agreed to take the catheter out which was my primary source of pain.  Again, the nurses kindness and gentleness with me was something to behold.  I will never forget how wonderful they were to me during that time of stress.

Sunday was also Father's Day and not what I had planned for Matt but he was wonderful.  Friends stopped by to visit bringing me special treats to help distract me.  I'll never forget when one of my dear friends from Benton stopped in I started crying as soon as I saw her.  Knowing she and her family took the time on Father's Day to come see me meant the world.  

Because the next day I would be taken off the Magnesium we understood there was a chance that my contractions would pick back up and a baby would come.  For that reason we arranged for Ellie to stay with my family in Harrisburg for several days.  They came up to Paducah and spent some time sympathizing with my discomfort before taking a very happy Ellie with them.  It was a great comfort to me to know that she would be spoiled rotten at mawmaw and pawpaw's the next few days.  It also allowed Matt to just focus on taking care of me and JD.  So we waited for Monday.

It's time!

Early Monday morning, June 17th they took me off the Magnesium and boy was I grateful!  It was worth it to ensure that JD got the steroids he needed for his lungs and his brain but that was a very tough two days.  We hoped that contractions would stay away and James would stay put but we truly didn't know what would happen.  About 11:00 a.m. we noticed some slight contractions returning and by 2:00 that afternoon I had progressed to 3.5 cm dilated and we knew.  Our c-section was set for 4:30 that afternoon.

In that moment peace just filled both Matt and I.  Knowing it was time we were excited to meet this little boy who we already loved.  Matt looked pretty adorable in his OR gear...kinda like a thin teletubby but adorable none the less!  I was nervous about the surgery aspect of a c-section since I've never had any type of surgery or stitches.  Matt continually reassured me and the nurses spoiled me rotten knowing I was unsure.

Having had Ellie naturally I wasn't sure what to expect from this experience.  I've read where moms feel cheated out of a birthing experience and other negative side effects they've experienced.  The truth is though, I loved it.  I was completely present when my son was born whereas I don't even remember Ellie being born, I was in too much pain!  Every person in the OR went out of their way to make it a positive experience for me.  They talked to me and loved on me more that I could have ever expected.  I have nothing negative to say about any of it!  

James David Johnson officially made his debut at 4:55 p.m. on June 17th.  He weighed 3 lbs. 9 oz. and was 16 inches long.  He has a head full of dark hair and is perfect.  I got to see him quite a bit in the OR before they took him to the NICU where Matt got to see him more.  Perhaps the most bizarre thing considering the circumstances is how truly peaceful everything was.  It was so obvious to Matt and I that God was present with us and we just felt totally surrounded by His love and peace.  It was a beautiful moment.

Where we are now...

James will be in the NICU more than likely until August.  He was 31 weeks and 2 days when born but has not had any major complications outside of those naturally related to just being early.  In the past week he has had slow and steady progress which is exactly what we want!  There are 3 milestones he has to achieve in order to come home:

1.  Maintain his body temperature.  He is currently in an incubator and this is just one of those things that will develop as he gets older.

2.  Able to eat on his own (suck and swallow).  Most babies do not develop the ability to suck and swallow until they are about 34-35 weeks old.  For now he has a little feeding tube that delivers my milk to his belly.  He is doing amazing on his feedings though!  He's already up to 33 ml of milk every 3 hours and has tolerated his feedings wonderfully.  Being able to suck and swallow is just something that will develop as he gets older :)

3. He has to go 5 days with no apnea episodes.  Premature babies almost always need a little more time to develop the part of their brain that reminds them to breathe.  It's not a lung issue but rather a neurological one.  For now there are just occasions where he forgets so before he can come home he has to go 5 consecutive days without any episodes.  The hospital told us this is usually the one area that takes the longest because he may go 4 and half days but then have an episode and we start all over.

All of these are areas that just need time to develop so while he may be in the NICU until August it's not because he is in critical condition, he is simply young and needs time to mature.

So that's it!  We go every evening to see JD and hold him.  Leaving is truly difficult but knowing he is in the care of some outstanding nurses who adore him does make it easier.  I promise to try and keep everyone updated as we go each week, in the meantime thank you for all the love and support we have received.  We always knew we had amazing family and friends but you have all truly gone above and beyond to help.  Between meals, assistance watching Ellie, gifts, cards and much more you have helped make this the best possible situation given our circumstances.  We love you and can't wait to introduce you all to our little James David one day! 

Like father like son...

Survival of the fittest!

Well, I've been on bedrest now for a little over a week and we are still going strong!  I've personally found bedrest to be a pretty big roller coaster emotionally which I'll talk about in a bit.  First though, let me update everyone.

We went back to the doctor on Friday to recheck the fluid amongst other things.  Last time it was 9.0 and this time it was 10.3, which wasn't a huge increase but it was an increase!  For that reason I got to come back home and remain on bedrest instead of being admitted to the hospital.  Bedrest and drinking lots of fluids works for low fluid (as I understand it) because it allows the blood flow to be focused on going to the baby instead of going to other areas like your legs or arms.

Knowing he is safe and sound tempers everything else so I won't say the "bad" news but the less easy-to-swallow news was that I'll be on bedrest till James David is born.  Additionally, she confirmed that a c-section was definitely going to be my final destination in terms of delivery because he was still bottom down with his feet over his head and there is no room for movement at this point.  She told us that while some people are able to manipulate the baby's position from the exterior successfully I wasn't a candidate for that.  

I am currently 30 weeks along so we are making great progress!  Matt and I were chuckling the other day because we were looking at the 10 week ultrasound of a friend who is expecting and we got out James David's 10 week ultrasound...WOW!  We didn't realize how little space he had compared to other "normal" babies!!  It was dramatic and very enlightening and pretty humorous too just to see it.

As for bedrest, well, let's just say there are good days and bad days!  I can't believe how amazing Matt has been, balancing taking care of Ellie and me while also working from home!  I always knew he had superhero powers but this challenge has really highlighted how awesome he is.  I can't picture anyone else doing it all but he is AND making it look easy in the process!  That alone has made a world of difference because I don't feel guilty about laying around constantly.  He doesn't ever seem frustrated or put out or stressed or anything which releases me to do what I need to do...nothing.

That being said, I'm an extrovert.  I love people and get energy from being around people.  So being away from everyone constantly is very difficult.  On good days I'm discontent to be so isolated and on bad days I'm down right depressed :)  It's hard, I won't lie.  The hardest part though is keeping perspective.  I know that I have a healthy baby and that being on bedrest is protecting him.  For that I am SO grateful.  

But there are a lot of emotions that accompany all this do-nothing-ness.  And those are hard.  They're the ones that say I wish this was just over.  I'm tired of feeling blah because I can't be up and around.  I miss being momma to my little girl. I miss being a wife to the man I love more than words can express.  I miss seeing my friends and hanging out or going to lunch.  I miss going for a walk outside and looking at the flowers with Ellie or checking on the trees we planted this spring.  I want to cook because I love to cook!  I want to go to church and see and talk to the people who have been a part of my life for almost 7 years.  

I could go on and on and in the process throw a major pity party.  I could even take it back to why did God make me this way? Why can't pregnancy be a time of joy and celebration instead of stress and uncertainty?  Why can't I carry to 40 weeks and have a normal birthing experience without all the emotion of NICU stays?  I can go there.  

Truth be told, we've all probably had things happen to us in life where we can go there.  Isn't it tempting too?  To take all the stuff and dwell on it and twist it all to where it's really just God's fault?  After all he's GOD.  By definition He could do something.  Why doesn't He?  Where is God when it hurts?

I'll be upfront, that's a great question and a tough question and one I don't have time to answer here.  Truthfully, I could give you some thoughts to ponder but you'd probably still have questions.  I know I do.  Here's the one thing I will say.  The stress, the angst, the emotions that accompany a trial are not indicative of God's shortcomings but of mine.  

Because I have a personal relationship with God I know His love, His peace, His hope.  I have complete access to all of His attributes.  If I'm in a perpetual state of stress over this pregnancy then I am the one who isn't trusting Him.  If I'm constantly afraid then I am the one who isn't surrendering to Him and embracing His peace.  If I'm filled with sorrow, it's on me because He will give me comfort!  

Not that there isn't a time and place for all of those emotions, Jesus himself experienced the whole gauntlet of human emotion.  God gave us emotion so I'm not downplaying that.  But before I go blaming Him for all my difficulty I need to remember that He has already given me the solution to my pain.  Jesus is the answer to all of our pain.  Jesus was often called Emmanuel which means "God With Us".  Where is God?  He's here and He knows.

When I embrace His perspective then all those crazy emotions fade away.  It still isn't easy, I won't lie.  But I remember the purpose of this time.  I have an opportunity to keep my son safe so he can grow and develop.  How many women who had their children early would have given anything for this very opportunity?!  Or what about the women who lost their babies because they were born too early?  I bet they would have given anything for bedrest to have been an effective measure to save their baby.  How humbling.  When I remember all of this I'm ashamed of how discontent and even resentful I've felt regarding bedrest.  I find myself begging God for forgiveness for my arrogance.

So...how am I doing on bedrest?  Amazing.  Just amazing.

The question that changes everything...

Jesus asks Peter a very pointed question as he's nearing the end of his life.  "Who do you say I am?"  It's a pretty personal question.  It cuts through a lot of junk really fast.  2,000 years later it's still the question that God asks each of us.  And it's equally pointed and personal now just as it was then.  

Why am I starting a blog post with this?  Well...I'm about to update you on some things that are happening right now with James David, my 28 week and 6 day old in-my-belly son.  But before I do, it's important that you understand the framework through which I see life and the experiences I've had and will have.

I answered this question, "Who do you say I am?", when I was in my mid teens.  I honestly don't remember the exact date but I remember the moment vividly.  It was the moment when I acknowledged all my doubts and uncertainty regarding Jesus, God and faith and chose to believe anyway.  The truth is, I couldn't reconcile all my questions.  But I also couldn't ignore the longing I had to embrace this personal God.  

I remember wanting to believe prior to then.  I mean who doesn't want to believe that there's a God up there who loves us and cherishes us and wants us?  I just never could, prior to then, see past my questions to embrace Him.  But that night, I can't explain it except to say that God just became unbelievably real to me.  In that moment my questions just didn't matter much.  It wasn't that I found answers for everything, I didn't.  But Jesus, God and faith became personal.

Since then I've continually tried to live my life in a way that is connected to and honoring God.  Sometimes I've been successful and a lot of times I've failed miserably.  I've had seasons of closeness with God and seasons where I wanted to be back in charge of life.  I've made lots of mistakes, still do.  But there is one thing I've stuck to.  I believe God is real, I believe He is who He says He is and that He loved me (and you by the way) so much that He sent His only son to reconcile us to Him so we could have a personal relationship with Him.  And that is the framework for my life.

I don't understand why bad things happen or good things happen.  I don't understand a lot of things.  I don't understand why there's hurt and illness and war...my list could go on and on.  But I do know that God is good.  God is love.  God is faithful.  God is personal and here right beside me.  Because I know these things when something uncertain happens I look to Him and say, "God, I don't get it.  I don't understand but You do and I trust You.  Whatever happens, I choose You."

It's a really long way of getting here but everything I'm about to tell you regarding James David is filtered through my lens of God knows and He can make good out of any heartache or trial.  So while I'm not excited or happy about our most recent turn of events I'm also not devastated.  This isn't Earth shattering because I know the One who created the Earth.  And no matter what happens, I trust Him.  My hope isn't controlled by my circumstances.  My hope is in Him and He never fails me.

On to my little one.  Let's start with some celebrating!  Last Saturday Matt and I celebrated two big milestones.  We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary AND reaching the 28 week mark!  HOORAY!  28 weeks was a big deal because 1. it allows us to stay in the Paducah NICU vs. traveling to Nashville or Louisville, 2. it's the point where our sons survivability rate is at about 90% successful and we can finally begin planning to bring a baby home one day!  We partied hard purchasing some nursery items and baby clothes, even a double stroller...it was a truly awesome milestone :)

At our beginning of May appointment we found out that James David was a little fella, only in 16% for his weight.  We have been waiting since then for our next growth ultrasound which was yesterday.  We really wanted this little boy to grow, otherwise I would be put on strict bedrest for 2 weeks and then they would take the baby.  Yesterday's growth ultrasound revealed that he was now 2 lbs. and 10 oz!  Our doctor told us she was not concerned with his growth anymore based on these results.  That earned a big HOORAY too!

On the uncertain side.  Our ultrasound yesterday also revealed that the fluid around James David is very low...in the 5th percentile.  Traditionally, with fluid that low they would take the baby immediately.  However, because he's still so young (29 weeks tomorrow) we are going to try and delay.  So, I am on bedrest :)  Not nearly as strict as some women have to experience but bedrest none-the-less.  The goal of this bedrest is to focus my bloodflow on my pelvic area where James David is and hopefully help him generate more fluid.  By restricting my movement my blood flow will not be sent elsewhere (to legs etc.).  Matt is also pouring water into me like the flood!  LOL!

Next Friday (one week from today), we'll go back to the doctor.  If my fluid is not higher then I will be admitted to the hospital.  We believe the goal is to reach 31-32 weeks before they take the baby unless it's necessary before then.  They also confirmed that he is in the breech position (poor fellow is folded up like a taco with his feet over his head!) and we are looking at a c-section.  I was very fortunate to not have to have Ellie via c-section last time and certainly wish I could avoid it this go around too but, I'll settle for having a viable, survivable baby ;)

We have so much to be thankful for already that it's hard to be too down about some of the things that didn't go our way.  I've never had surgery or stitches before so the thought of c-section is well....petrifying.  But I am so grateful for a little boy who has made it to almost 29 weeks I say, bring it on!  Is giving birth to a 31-32 week baby my preference?  No, it could make for a long NICU stay, lots of hospital bills and tricky scheduling to try and be with both of my children.  But I have a son who God willing, I will get to meet on Earth and I wasn't sure that would be true before so, bring it on!  I have an amazing husband who is taking great care of me while I'm on bedrest, caring and giving friends who already are making everything better...I am so humbled already by all the goodness I've received.

It's conflicting for sure.  On one hand I am scared and uncertain, overwhelmed and anxious.  But then I just remind myself that God will see me through.  Whether it all goes best case scenario or worst case scenario, He is faithful.  "Who do you say that I am?"  My answer, no matter what, is, "You are the Christ, the son of the living God!"  And I will follow You.

Ignorance is bliss! Or not...

I'll be honest...I haven't written much because well...I've felt great!  We are going to the doctor right now every other week and each time we get good news.  I get shots each week that give me a sense of control that is totally fake but feels good.  I am currently 22.5 weeks along and 24 weeks is the point of viability...when you're this close it's hard not to feel optimistic!

So here I am.  Going about my merry way doing my merry business.  Not thinking about or worrying about much of anything.  Until I saw a beautiful and heart wrenching photo a friend shared.  Her baby was stillborn at 8 months and his headstone just came in, the picture was of his beautiful grave.  I fell apart.  Both for her and for me.  Because ignoring reality isn't the same thing as dealing with it.  Fake trust in God isn't trust at all.  And I've been faking it lately.

Instead of looking reality in the face and saying, "knowing all of this I choose to trust You Father." I've looked at mirages of security and applauded my obvious growth and faith.  What foolishness.  

Today I was reading in Romans 4 and it talks about how Abraham continued to hope and have faith in God even while acknowledging that Sarah (his wife) was old and he older and the chances of a child, without a miracle, were impossible.  Abraham looked at reality and trusted.  That's real faith.  That's real trust.  

The reality of our situation (and yours too by the way) is that it hurts.  It hurts so bad.  I called Matt immediately after seeing the picture, crying of course, and told him it just reminded me how much I really do want this baby!  I want to meet him here on earth SO badly.  This is a deeper more gut-wrenching pain than anything I've ever experienced.  Suddenly I didn't want to pray, Your will be done God.  I wanted to pray, save my baby!!  PLEASE.

But that's the difference between faking it and the real McCoy.  Faking it doesn't really bring out much emotion in us.  It doesn't really require much.  Just stuff your emotions down into a place you can't find and pretend like the whole world is great!  And it'll look very "mature".  People will admire how well you're handling this situation and how much you're clearly trusting God.

But when you really trust God...it hurts.  It means I'm actually taking all of my hopes and dreams of this child and pouring them into God's capable hands.  Now, with real trust also comes real peace.  But it still hurts.  I want my baby.  I want him so badly.  I love him so much and the thought of not having him just...hurts.  BUT, when I'm not faking it, when I'm really trusting God I also can look at this enormous sorrow and say with confidence, my God can redeem this.  He can take these circumstances and make them good somehow.  And that gives me such peace...something I cannot experience when I'm faking it.

Faking it is easier.  It's simpler.  It's less painful.  In the short run.  Trusting is harder.  It requires a constant surrender...like every 5 minutes I have to put my trust back in God because I've already tried to take it back.  Trusting hurts...it doesn't allow me to ignore the feelings and emotions and reality of what we face.  But trusting brings peace.  A peace that passes understanding.

So, I'm back to trusting God.  I'm back to hurting and acknowledging I have no control over this situation no matter how many shots I get.  And you know what?  It feels restful and peaceful...it feels like home.

18-20 Week Update!

Well it's been awhile since I've updated anyone!  I know everyone says it, but no matter how cliche...it's been a busy month!  Matt went to South Africa for a week, we took Ellie on her first long distance trip (long distance meaning 6 hours!  HOORAY for Atlanta!), and of course we're still plowing along with our little baby boy.

As of a little over 2 weeks ago my cervical length was doing very well with our little boy.  I was 18 weeks at that point and it was a huge relief to know that for that moment all was well.  We return this Friday to get remeasured and are hoping for continued good news on that front.  

Additionally we got the great news that our insurance has agreed to cover the cost of Makena shots for me.  Makena is a hormone shot given intermuscularly each week from about week 18 of a pregnancy through week 36 (or until baby is born).  It's been proven to reduce the chances of preterm labor in women who had preterm labor previously.  So I got my first shot last week!  It's uncertain whether this shot will be effective with my condition, since it's fairly rare research hasn't really been done to determine that, but as the doctor said, "It can't hurt!"!  I HATE shots but I'm game for anything that will help our little boy stay put as long as possible.  

This past Saturday we reached 20 weeks...we have 4 weeks left before we reach the point of viability and 8 weeks left before we reach our "goal".  As Matt often reminds me, we take it one day at a time.  Every morning we wake up and thank God for one more night and every night we thank God for one more day.  It's really all we can do for now :)

So there's our most recent update!  I'm processing through a lot of things right now so keep your eyes peeled for a super long post coming soon ;)