This blog is called The Johnson Family Ramblings so that should tell you it's bound to be lengthy. Today consider this your warning...it's gonna be extra long!
Matt and I kicked off the new year a little early this year when we found out I was expecting again on December 28th! Those are the moments you can't forget, the joy and the excitement of it. As I've mentioned before with Ellie, I have a set time each month that I test for pregnancy because I do not have regular cycles. I had already tested in the beginning of December because I thought I might be pregnant. Much to my disappointment the test came back negative. So we moved on. Except I still wasn't having my cycle and my milk for Ellie was drying up. But it was the holidays and things were busy and I didn't think too much about it. Until December 28th when I realized I might need to test again just to be safe. POSITIVE!
Naturally I figured the test was messed up so I took 3 more...all positive! Then I called the doctor and asked if breastfeeding could give you a false positive. I was told, "You don't get three false positives...that's called being pregnant." LOL! It was a great day :)
I think one of the most common questions I get asked is, "Was this planned?" I always chuckle when I hear it because you can tell that the person asking would not have planned it that way! The truth is, I grew up with 20 months between me and my older sister. I've always wanted to have my children close together and fortunately Matt was on board with that. Those who are close to me have heard me give fair warning, "once we start having kids we're doing them fast!" So, yes, this was intentional and we cannot wait to meet our little person!
As many know, I have a unique abnormality called a didelphys uterus. It wasn't something we knew about until the spring before we got pregnant with Ellie. You can google it but in a nutshell it means I have 2 uteruses and 2 cervixes. With Ellie I was pregnant in the left uterus. We have the most wonderful doctor and she helped us to understand the risks associated with my abnormality. She does an excellent job of giving us the information we need without being overly optimistic or pessimistic. I trust her completely. Because of her guidance we were totally prepared when Ellie was born at 36 weeks and we understood what a huge deal it was that I was able to carry her that long given the circumstances. Ellie truly was a miracle baby.
So we knew on the front end with this pregnancy we wanted to be pregnant in the left uterus again. It had already proven to be able to carry a baby well and would allow us to have a "normal" pregnancy...something we hadn't yet experienced! At our first doctor's appointment we found out this baby is in the right uterus.
Speaking with our doctor we had to face the obstacles we had hoped to avoid. Late-term miscarriages. Very early pre-term baby. It was hard. Really hard. No one wants to hear from their doctor that they may never get to meet their baby on earth. Once again though, our doctor was wonderful being honest and thorough in explaining the situation. The extra complication this time around is that it's pretty rare that a person with my condition has 2 equally sized uteruses. Typically one is larger and one is smaller. Since the left side carried Ellie so well it is logical to presume that it would have been the larger uterus. Meaning the right is the smaller. Further meaning the risks of miscarriage and pre-term labor are higher than last time.
While our official due date is in August our goal is to make it to 28 weeks which would be the end of May beginning of June. Now we wait and count weeks.
I've been asked why we would choose to tell people we were expecting at all, given the circumstances. I think the answer is two fold, one part practical and the other part deeply personal. Practically speaking, my risks for miscarriage will be in the 5-6 month range. I would not be able to keep from showing at that point so to hide it seems futile.
On a personal level though, I still wouldn't want to hide it. I believe that the moment conception occurs a soul is created by God and placed inside my little baby. To me, this little 13 week old inside of me is a person. A person with a personality and distinct features. From the moment I was pregnant I no longer had a child. I had children. Whether I get to meet him or her on this earth is irrelevant to me in the sense of I will always have 2 children. For me (and this is very personal so I am speaking only from my perspective), to not share that child with others is like ignoring them. It just feels so...false. Ellie has a sister or brother. Matt and I have another son or daughter. How could we not celebrate that?
It's not easy. Not knowing if I will get to know this child. But there is one thing I do know. God is good. God is love. And while my circumstances may not always feel good or loving I know that God can come along the bad and make something beautiful from it. Beauty for ashes. He has proven that to me so many times before. Through it all I find the most comfort that if I cannot have this baby to hold on earth, there is no one more loving or perfect to care for him or her than God until the time that I get to finally meet them in heaven. Isn't that a wonderful comfort? To know, this isn't the end. I'm not potentially losing my baby forever. Just for a time. But one day, we will be a complete family again. In the meantime, I bet Matt's grandad would teach them how to do a great fish fry :)
At night, when we're putting Ellie to bed, I'll rock her while she eats her bottle and sing different songs to her. The day we found out about all the risks and possible complications I started singing to her one of my favorite hymns, It Is Well With My Soul. The lyrics read,
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrow like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul
Todd Fields wrote a new chorus to accompany the verses that says,
It is well, it is well
God has won, Christ prevailed
It is well, it is well with my soul
Naturally as I was singing it to Ellie I was crying (it certainly wasn't the prettiest rendition!) but every night as I continue to sing it to her it becomes so much more than just a comforting song. It becomes a prayer and then a statement and finally an exclamation!
Father God, I don't know what you have in store for this baby. But I know You already know what will happen and I trust You to prepare me and Matt for whatever we might face. Scripture says to, "lean not into my own understanding" so instead we will lean hard into Your understanding and knowledge. No matter what happens, we will love You and follow You. You have won, God, Christ has prevailed! There is no fear in death because we know You! So, we never have to say good-bye forever...just see you soon. It is well with my soul. Amen.
