I started my day ugly crying in the shower. Ugly crying might be a bit generous. I was doing the gut wrenching sob that sounds like a dying animal...you know, snot and tears everywhere and it just won't stop? Poor Matt had his empathetic face on that always has an element of panic mixed into it. Even Ellie came to investigate and stared at me with huge eyes. Not a great moment. What sent me so far over the edge? I haven't the faintest idea.
As I'm losing it in the shower my mind keeps repeating, "I just don't understand God, why is this so hard?" What's "this"? *Sigh* Everything and nothing all at once. It's being a mom. Being a wife. Being a friend. Being a sister. It's kids and housekeeping and library trips and cooking dinner (and lunch and breakfast). It's lining up babysitters, paying for babysitters, finding time with God, doing laundry, making beds and hearing "mom? mom? momma? mommy?" twenty times in a row. It's LIFE.
Rewind 3 and half years ago. I'm pregnant with Elle Belle. I'm ecstatic to be pregnant given the almost 2 year wait to get pregnant and all the conversations with specialists telling me women with my condition don't get pregnant and even if they do they have late term miscarriages. Thrilled is an understatement...so is scared. In the midst of anticipating her arrival Matt and I begin having conversations about whether I want to continue to work or want to stay home.
I'll be honest. Until I actually was pregnant I had zero desire to stay home. I always wanted to work, always. Though I felt confident in my decision to continue working I also wanted to honor God with my life so, I decided to pray about it. Imagine my complete disbelief as, over the course of a few months, my heart went away from working and became completely sold on the idea of staying home with Ellie.
I was scared to death to stay home but I told God if that was what He wanted for my life then I would do it. And so, I became a stay-at-home mom. I think introducing a baby can be a pretty life-altering experience for anyone. But when we left the hospital with that sweet little girl...I was sold on being the best mommy out there. I still remember laying her down in her crib that first night...Matt and I stared down at her and I was filled with gratitude for the opportunity to be this little girls mommy.
Those first few days of Ellie's life were perfect. Sure I had postpartum hormones and I was a normal neurotic first time mom but we had a great rhythm going. The only hiccup was her jaundice levels weren't exactly great so each day we had to take her to Paducah to get tested but they appeared to be trending in the right direction.
Then Wednesday came. We took her to the hospital for her daily stick, headed to SAM's to get some groceries while we waited for the, now, normal all-clear call so we could head home. Only it didn't come. Instead we received a call telling us to get her to the hospital immediately, they would emergency admit her to the NICU because her jaundice levels were dangerously high.
That's when everything crashed. I wasn't prepared for that. I didn't know how to handle it, what to do or what to say. After that came the colic. Then a second pregnancy that turned out to be even higher risk than the first. The an emergency c-section and 8 week NICU stay for James. And all the while I kept telling myself that once things calmed down it would be easier. All those mommy dreams would come true. Life would be a Hallmark movie once again.
Only it never happened. Because Hallmark movies aren't real. And all the while I kept thinking, why is this so hard? God, I was obedient to You. I stayed home. Aren't you supposed to make it easier since I was obedient? You're supposed to feel super close to me but I feel abandoned. What is going on?
Have you ever been there? You listened to God and followed Him even though it was scary and seemed impossible and instead of it being an easy path it's felt like a struggle every step. Maybe it wasn't the journey of motherhood. Maybe it was a job you accepted (or declined). Maybe it was a relationship. Maybe it was your finances. Maybe it was your career choice. You were obedient but rather than feeling rewarded you feel abandoned. And you can't help but wonder, "why is this so hard?".
"God, I'm trying to honor You with my finances and tithe so why does it feel like everyone else is getting all the breaks?"
"God, I'm trying to honor You with my dating relationships so why am I the only one still single?"
"God, I honored you with my sexuality and waited until I was married to have sex so why can't I get pregnant?"
"God, I listened to You and took this job so why am I miserable?"
"God, I picked this major because I think it's the field You want me in so why was I declined for the program?"
"God, why is this so hard?"
And do you know what I've discovered? God never promised it would be easy. I made that part up. Facebook and Instagram and movies and music and TV shows and magazines and books all paint a picture that is so fake. And nothing like what God promises us.
In fact, Jesus gives us the exact opposite picture! He doesn't say, "If you follow me, if you're obedient to me, life will be great! Easy!". Nope. That's what culture says though. It will infiltrate your life with ideas like, if you have this, if you do this, if you look like this...life will be easy. But Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33).
My problem is that I have bought the lie of culture that says life is good if... When we stop seeing the world as the broken fallen place that it is we become surprised when life gets hard. Then we get confused and wonder...Where's God in this? But friends, God never said it would be easy. He said, don't miss this, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace."
If you are looking to a job for peace, you're in trouble. If you're looking to a spouse for peace, you're in trouble. If you're looking to a baby for peace, you're in trouble. If you're looking to your retirement for peace, you're in trouble. If you're looking to motherhood for peace, you're in trouble. Because it will not be there. Our peace, the calm in the middle of life's storm, comes only through Him.
Then comes my favorite part! He says, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Do you see it? In this world (in your life) you will have trouble. Sickness will come. Jobs will be frustrating. Money will be tight. Loneliness will happen. Friends will fail you. Classes will be hard (graduating...harder). Disappointment will reign. It's just a fact: Life is hard. But that's not the end. Life is hard but take heart! Be encouraged! Don't let it take you by surprise and don't let it keep you down because, "I have overcome the world."
What we face now, the hard part, is only a temporary place. God gives us peace (in Him) for our current situations. But He has overcome the world for the future. One day there will be no more disappointment, frustration, loneliness, sickness. When you are, like me, feeling beaten down and having an ugly cry in the shower we just have to remember...life is hard, expect nothing else (regardless of what our culture tells us) but take heart! He is with us, He understands us and He will carry us through to the other side.
It's funny how when you remind yourself that life is supposed to be hard how suddenly all the good shines through. When you expect an easy "perfect" life all you can see is the bad. The pieces that are keeping you from what you expected. Your job just isn't as fulfilling as it should be. Motherhood is too hard, not enough Kodak moments. There's not enough money to get the new car, the boat, the house...how dare you have to rent?! Your soulmate doesn't write love sonnets and give you diamonds and flowers like they're supposed to. On and on and on until we're screaming, "Why is this so hard?!".
But. When we heed Jesus' warning, when we know life is hard suddenly the beauty of life shines through. No, it's not your dream job. But God has given you a place of influence with the people you work with. And the privilege of getting to introduce them to Him is pretty purposeful. No, you don't have the perfect house or the newest car but you have a roof over your head and reliable transportation. Best of all you have the freedom to move beyond things and to focus on more important things, like people. No, motherhood isn't like what you see on TV or in movies. It's not all laughter and Disney vacations. But there is nothing more humbling and more amazing than forgiveness from a three-year-old. Every "hard" part makes the "good" parts sweeter.
When we make this shift our question changes from, "Why is this so hard?" to "Thank You God for this gift!". And doesn't that sound so much better?
