A friend works with assessing and assisting the development of children and I recently had the privilege of having her in our home to play with James and Ellie, have them assessed and see how they are developing. I honestly wasn't sure what to expect but it impacted me in a way I did not anticipate.
In our short time together Amy identified and complimented me on several specific things she thought I was doing great at as a mom. I'll be honest, 9 out of 10 days I feel like I'm doing nothing great as a mom! So to have her take a look inside our day to day lives and walk away saying, "Good job mom!" made me feel like a million bucks. Since those playdates I have felt more competent and confident as a mother. All because one person took a little time and invested in me.
That got me thinking. Amy's words were like water to a parched traveler, it was so refreshing and energizing to be affirmed as "mommy" and I bet that's true for a lot of beginner moms. I found myself thinking, I wonder if my words could offer that kind of encouragement to a new mom. The more I thought about it the more I realized that we all have the power to make a new mom feel like supermom...we just don't probably think about it or maybe we just don't communicate it in a way that is obvious to the other person.
As my kids grow older I already find myself falling into unhelpful habits. When a new mom talks about her struggle with getting baby to sleep I grab the cliched, "We've all been there!" or maybe a "That's life as a mom!" instead of saying, "That's a tough situation but you are handling it great! You are doing an awesome job!". Encouraging new mom isn't complicated, it just requires a little intentionality. Lest I forget what it is like to be a new mom I decided to make a list of things you can do to help new mom feel encouraged and competent.
1. Let your only comment be a compliment. The more specific the better. Skip over the explanation of why you would never let your child do that. Don't ask if new mom was aware that their baby has a runny nose. Definitely don't ask if new mom knows that the poorest quality of vegetables are what is used to make baby food or that her adorable crib bumper is going to suffocate the baby. I know you think that child is so ridiculously spoiled but instead just smile and say (sincerely, please), "She sure does love her momma! You must be doing a pretty amazing job for her to be so content with you." You've never seen such a rotund baby? "You are doing a great job making sure he gets enough nutrition! I know it's not easy to breastfeed, good for you!"
2. Treat new mom like an expert mom. You've raised 5 kids of your own and a dozen grandbabies. You know how to feed a baby a bottle or swaddle them or do anything else. But, nothing makes new mom feel competent faster than when you ask for their help. I remember being at an event with several veteran moms and one asked to feed Ellie her bottle. Now, Ellie had severe colic plus acid reflux and there was a certain "way" to feed her per the doctor. I handed her over and began to give instruction on how to give her bottle and was promptly told, in a teasing way, that veteran mom knows how to feed a baby. What did that communicate? I definitely didn't walk away feeling competent. I felt foolish. It won't kill you to ask new mom, "Is this how you swaddle her?" or, "He's being a little fussy, what do you think I should do?". I know that you know what to do. But when you treat new mom like an expert mom her confidence grows.
3. Keep including new mom. Listen, a new mom has a million huge changes thrown at her at once. Two of the hardest ones being a loss of freedom and identity. I know that you are thinking I don't want to bother her by asking if she wants to do XYZ. But she needs you to ask her to do XYZ! She may say no even, but just knowing that she is still valued as a friend, a sister, a daughter, a daughter-in-law whatever is so important! Asking new mom to go to lunch with 2 kids in tow may seem like it would be too much trouble but doing so communicates, "You still matter to me. I know a huge part of your identity has been taken over by "mom" but I still care about you and love you as a person.". Don't be afraid to accommodate the fact that new mom now has kids! My friend Makenzie asks us each week to a picnic lunch at the park. Ellie plays on the slide, I get to feel like a person...everyone wins!
4. Respect new moms knowledge. New mom may not have successfully raised 3 kids but they know their child...after all, they're with them 24/7! If they ask you to do something don't assume you know better and ignore it. Respect new moms knowledge and follow through on whatever the request was. Joyce was one of Ellie's caretakers at our church. I can't put into words what an enormous impact she had on both Ellie and myself. Why? Because she listened to me and respected my knowledge of Ellie. Joyce understood that Ellie had a very particular temperament. She didn't argue with me about whether I was right or not. She didn't nod her head and as soon as I was gone ignore what I had said. She didn't say, "She'll stop crying eventually.". She respected me as new mom and the knowledge I had of Ellie and her needs which went a long way in building my confidence. To date Joyce is still one of the people I seek out regularly for advice, she respected my knowledge early on and now she has my utmost respect and trust.
5. Never judge new mom. When Ellie was first born she came home for 2 days and then was admitted to the NICU for high jaundice levels. I still remember the moment we got the phone call. Matt and I were at Sam's Club getting groceries...we left a cartful of groceries sitting in aisle 3 as we rushed to Western Baptist. For 3 days she stayed under the super lights before being allowed back home to continue light therapy. It was a Saturday night and she screamed and cried the whole night as we struggled to keep her in the bed under the lights. To date I can't talk about that time without crying. Two weeks after that she became colicky culminating in day and night screaming while I tried to eliminate all dairy products and waited for the acid reflux medicine to kick in. That was a hard time. Beyond hard. Here was this baby I loved more than life itself who I simultaneously desperately wanted to shut up. As I tried to talk through all the emotions and the struggles I was having with friends I found no support. They didn't have my experiences and they just couldn't understand. Try as they might I knew they thought I was screwing this up royally. Lacking any of the support of the first four things listed I faced failure like I'd never experienced. I'm so grateful that God chose that time to come alongside me and help me make it through. Because He was all I had. Veteran moms, friends of new mom, family of new mom...you do not know what new mom is facing. Every woman's struggle is unique to her. So before you jump on a judging bandwagon...stop. Believe the best in her even when she doesn't. Tell her how proud you are of her because this mothering thing is HARD. Let her know you see what she's doing and you think she is amazing. Help her see she is not a monster for struggling. Give her a hug. Send her a note. Offer to come help around the house. Whatever. Just don't judge her. Because we are all her.
If you are like me the one question I found myself asking over and over was and still is, "Am I screwing this up?" I love these two little kiddos that God has given me more than words can express and I cannot bear the thought of them growing up not knowing momma loves me, momma is proud of me, momma believes in me. Do you ever feel that pressure to? That desperate prayer, "God, I know I'm screwing this up left and right but please just make sure they know I love them."? Me too. So what do you say we partner together? Let's encourage each other, support each other, believe in each other. New moms, rally around each other! No one can commiserate better than someone who is in the thick of it right beside you. Veteran moms, we want to be you. So lend us your experience, encourage us, tell us what a great job you think we're doing! Who knows, we might even ask you for some advice ;)
"The
natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that
position to your children."
(Jessica Lange)
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