Finding my fix...

CONFESSION: Ever since my 32nd birthday in August I've been on a bit of a mission. Some might call it a silly mission and others might say it's worthwhile endeavor. Personally I started my journey as the former but, much to my surprise, have ended as the latter.  So, what pray tell is my mission? Finding something frivolous.

I can hear what you're thinking already. That has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever blogged about. And on the surface, I am with you. It seems so...frivolous? Way to be creative with the language, Johnson ;) Yet, virtually every parenting book I read, mommy blog I subscribe to, article that I save mentions this very thing over and over again. Take time for yourself. Invest in yourself. Spoil yourself. And I, perhaps like you, have read them all and rolled my eyes. How ridiculous. Don't these people realize how valuable my time is?! How little time, much less extra energy I have?! Not to mention how tight kids can make any size budget?! Ridiculous.

Then this weird thing happened. I turned 32, knew that, due to my medical abnormalities I would not be birthing any additional children, and found myself feeling completely lost. Momma Jen had almost totally taken over and Just Jen wasn't really around anymore. I was rather surprised on one hand because I had always been very adamant about being Just Jen first and Momma Jen second. But, on the other hand, it wasn't surprising at all given the past 3 years. Any woman who has had children understands that the first season of children, when they are under 2 years and very dependent on you is an intense time. There's a lot less sleeping and a lot more essential need meeting that has to happen. If you have two children 14 months apart, both with NICU stays, one whose NICU stay was 8 weeks long well...it's very okay that Momma Jen took over.

I did not feel bad about that. But I also wasn't comfortable staying there. Matt and I have always said that our goal once our children are grown and we are empty nesters is to be closer and more in love than ever before. If you put your marriage relationship on hold for 20+ years that's not going to happen. So, while we love our children, adore our children, we aren't building our existence around our children. They are an awesome part of our family but they are not the center of our family.

My realization showed me that I was starting down a path that leads to a place I know I don't want to go. So, while I felt ridiculous, I decided to take these experts advice and find something frivolous, just for me.  Every person is unique so naturally every momma who decides to embark on this kind of journey should focus on things that speak to her heart, her desires, her hobbies and her interests.  Mine personally are reading, writing and clothes. 

You'd never guess it to look at my make-up-less, yoga pant/t-shirt wearing self but underneath is a woman who truly enjoys expressing myself through my outward appearance...Matt always asks why I'm forever changing my hair and the answer is because I love using my exterior as an expression of my interior. For me it's an outlet for my creativity and artistic expression and I love playing with it! It's fun, engaging and a totally Just Jen centered hobby.

While I dabbled a little in creating some extra reading time and writing poetry at the end of the day the books I was curious to read were parenting oriented and all of my poems were about being a mom. So, for me, neither of these hobbies branched out into something just for me. That left me with clothes...and off I went! I talked with a friend whose make-up and hair knowledge I had always respected and admired and got her advice on how to update my look in those areas. She gave me some awesome suggestions that I was SO nervous to try but I now LOVE. It was a super fun adventure but a rather temporary one.

As all mothers know, having kids changing the shape of your body in all aspects. Having nursed both of my kids my waistline wasn't the only thing that had changed. So, I spent a little time investigating and investing in new undergarments that would fit and help me feel comfortable. Again, a great adventure...a little tedious! But a great investment just the same. But also a rather quick one.

That is when I decided to tackle the one area that I was most nervous about...my actual clothes. I stopped buying clothes when I was pregnant with Ellie in 2011 and truthfully anything I've bought since then either came from Wal-Mart or a garage sale/hand-me-down. No shame in that at all. But I was ready to begin investing in a style that reflected who I am. 

My problem was I never had time for a shopping trip. Plus the closest mall was 45 minutes away so add $20 in gas to the extra 2 hours of baby sitter time and it just didn't feel worth it. AND I get overwhelmed with all the choices out there in a store. I struggle to sift through everything and find the pieces that speak to me. Then I find myself hung up on cost so I wind up buying things that don't really speak to me but they were on sale or are cheap quality so I settle. Before I know it I have a closet full of clothes I don't like but feel obligated to wear and there is nothing energizing or engaging about it.

Remember, the whole point of this is to find something that you enjoy. If your frivolous stresses you out or wears you out then it's not the right thing. I continued to mull over my personal predicament when the solution arrived on Facebook one day as an ad for a personal shopping service called StitchFix. I was intrigued so I went on their website and checked it out...after some quick research I signed up and waited with baited breath.

StitchFix is an online personal stylist that selects 5 clothing items for you based on a style profile that you complete. They are shipped directly to you and you have 3 days to try on the clothing and decide if you want to keep any of it or not. They include a prepaid USPS envelope to use for returning any items you don't want to keep. You are charged $20 for a styling fee but if you keep any pieces from you box that $20 is applied toward that purchase (meaning the "styling" was free). There are all sorts of cool details that I could go on and on about but to keep it simple it was the perfect service for me.

I loved having conversations and input on clothing without having to pick the exact pieces. I loved not having to hire a babysitter or travel to a mall to shop. I loved being able pair the clothes sent with items in my closet to see if they would work before I had to buy them. I loved the convenience, the creativity...the whole process was amazing! And here's the crazy part...I didn't buy anything in my first box!

I'm sure that sounds nuts but I walked away from my first "fix" (that's what they call each shipment they send you) and was thrilled. It engaged me, reenergized me, was totally frivolous and did everything I needed to give me that Just Jen time. It cost me $20 (since I didn't buy anything). It was the best $20 I've spend in awhile. And I can't wait for my next fix to arrive.

What's the moral of this blog? For you to go on StitchFix? No. That was my fix, the thing that worked well for me based off of my interests. Yours will be different. The moral, my dear momma friend, is that you need something too. Something that will remind you of who you are aside from your children. Something that will energize and engage you. Something that ultimately will help you be a better mom but also be you. Go find your frivolous.  You'll be glad you did!

PS

IF clothing is your frivolous too and you want to check StitchFix out be sure to use my referral link below so I can earn a credit toward my next fix! It's not for everyone so please do not feel pressure to do it.

https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/4166658

The skinny on skinny...

One of the minute drawbacks of having 2 children fourteen months apart is that sometimes said children get a hold of your laptop...and tear off the "E", "Z" and CAPS LOCK buttons, resulting in a blogging drought. Today though I have decided to conquer the hard-to-type-on-keyboard but bear with me if you see misspelled words...that missing "E" key in particular is tricky ;)

For those of you who don't know this past January marked a pretty big life change for the Johnson family. We completely changed our eating habits resulting in my intentional weight loss (and Matt's not intentional weight loss!). For that reason one of the most common questions I get asked is, "How much weight have you lost?!". Truth be told, I love that question because I have worked hard to change my lifestyle to one that is healthy and God honoring, it wasn't easy so it's nice to have hard work noticed. That being said though, it's not really the right question. And this journey toward being healthy has really made me evaluate the way I look at weight and food.

Prior to January I've had my fair share of "diets". Some were for important reasons. As we neared the two year mark for trying to start our family our doctor recommended a low-carb/high protein diet (think South Beach) to potentially address some medical concerns that could be interfering with my ability to get pregnant. If there's ever a reason to lose weight that seemed pretty legit. Other attempts were made out of insecurity. Kind of a, "I don't feel good enough so maybe if I were skinnier I'd feel better" type of thing. None were successful.  My weight went up and down but never really hitting a medically problematic point until about 6 months before we found out I was pregnant with Ellie. My doctor's appointment that March was when I officially crossed over to medically "overweight".

I did my best to follow doctor's orders, was able to successfully lose a little weight and lo and behold come the end of August I was pregnant with Ellie and gaining weight was totally okay! Following Ellie's birth something wonderful happened for me health wise. She developed colic and acid reflex due to a milk protein allergy. Since I was breastfeeding helping her colic meant eliminating all dairy products. Milk, butter, cheese, ice cream...it was a long list. Fortunately her colic was bad enough that I was completely willing to give up ANYTHING to help her stop crying! 

I say this was wonderful because without something major like a screaming baby day and night I would never have given up dairy. Ever. And then I never would have seen what would happen when I did. All my baby weight and then some practically fell off! It was amazing!! When I got pregnant with James 8 1/2 months later I was 10 lbs. lighter than before I got pregnant in the first place. It wet my appetite so to speak.

Fast forward to post-James...I'm 6 months postpartum and not feeling so great about my weight progress. What fell off before was hugging all the wrong places. And that was when Matt brought me a book by Rick Warren called The Daniel Plan. It's a really long story but let's just say I was resistant at first. WAY too many vegetables! I hate vegetables. ALL vegetables. And besides that I truly didn't believe that I ate unhealthy. I wasn't perfect but I'd calorie counted before and knew I didn't consume a huge amount. And yes, I felt sluggish and tired and disengaged but I had two kids under 2 years of age. I think tired is to be expected! But this was one of those instances where Matt asked me to trust him and I chose to follow his leadership. That was a good choice.

As we started the Daniel Plan something huge happened to me. Yes, I lost weight. But that was a little footnote in the story. In the midst of this plan I discovered the biggest lie I'd ever told myself, that I think a lot of us tell ourselves. The lie:

SKINNY = HEALTHY

I thought that as long as the number on the scale reflected a small number then I was "healthy". Physically healthy. Emotionally healthy. Mentally healthy. Spiritually healthy. And that is a lie. Skinny is a genetic predisposition and not an accurate reflection of health. 

I could probably spend forever analyzing where this mentality comes from but in a nutshell I place a lot of blame on media and marketing. Hollywood and the likes has to make us believe that we can all be skinny like the movie stars or else the whole diet industry goes under. 

If our general body type is genetically predetermined and that means some of us will never qualify for the marketing ideal size 2 then we have no use for the diet pill, the next big piece of home gym equipment, the premade/shipped straight to you meals. Acknowledging "skinny" isn't possible for everyone frees us. It changes the standard from all these other people to just ourselves. The only comparison worth making is between me, myself and I. Be the best you absolutely! But don't bother trying to be the best "them".

The Daniel  Plan showed me that I was unhealthy regardless of whether I weighed 115 lbs. or 140 lbs. because healthy wasn't defined by a number. It was defined by what I consumed, why I consumed it and how I consumed it. If you're like me that's a HUGE mental adjustment!!  It also exposed how unhealthy I was in other areas. Again, if skinny = healthy then what I eat, why I eat or how I eat is irrelevant. All that matters are those digits on the scale. 

The first 2 weeks were brutal as we started with the recommended 10 day detox; no dairy, no sugar, no caffeine. Break your body's dependency on unhealthy habits by going cold turkey. It's a very regimented 10 days, very little flexibility and a LOT of vegetables. I remember on about day 4 feeling my arms weighed a million pounds and barely having the energy to move as my body learned how to readjust my insulin levels without outside assistance from sugar. I remember calling my mom telling her I was going to go into Wal-Mart and buy a snickers if she didn't talk me off the ledge. I was not joking. Does that sound like a mentally healthy person? Emotionally healthy? Spiritually healthy? It doesn't to me either.

Without even realizing it I had allowed food to be my everything. Having a tough day emotionally? Don't deal with it, don't fix it so you are emotionally healthy just eat something that makes you feel temporarily happy (cake icing out of the jar was a favorite). Struggling with a decision, or to find your self worth or with a relationship? Don't turn to God asking for his guidance, his wisdom, his reassurance in your value as a person. Just order a pizza and dissolve your struggles in grease.  Tired at work and unable to focus? Don't use discipline to develop mental toughness just grab a sugar and caffeine packed drink to give you a boost.

See what I mean about this lie? It affects so much more than just your physical health! And I had no idea. I was blindsided with how difficult it was to address all these other areas. Which was something I loved about the Daniel Plan. They didn't just talk about eating healthy. They understood what I was only just learning, that true health isn't just about what you eat, it's about why you eat and how you eat.  They specifically addressed finding emotional, mental, spiritual and relational health.

I wish I could say that post 10 day detox I was a new woman but becoming healthy, truly healthy in all areas, isn't a 10 day process. I did feel better. And following the Daniel Plan eating guide post detox was surprisingly easy. We settled into a routine and stuck to it. I did and still do at times, face continuing challenges with making the healthy choice over the easy choice. Some days I stuff down my emotions and eat the french fries or the large white chocolate turtle coffee. But more days I don't. More days I handle my fatigue with prayers for strength. More days I handle those hurt feelings with perspective and self-awareness.

About five months into the Daniel Plan I had a big moment. The Daniel Plan recommends following the eating guidelines 90% of the time which equals out to 2 "free" meals and 1 "free" snack.  I was excited to get a doughnut from the local doughnut shop, trying to decide if a doughnut counted as a snack or a meal. I savored my sour cream doughnut and that's when it happened. Within 10 minutes of eating it I actually felt different. Sluggish. Tired. Foggy. For the first time I felt the effect of sugar on my now healthy body. I remember I actually called my best friend and told her how excited I was to feel like crap! For months others on this journey with me talked about how unhealthy foods didn't even taste good...but they still tasted good to me! That moment turned the page for me on healthy eating. It was like a switch clicked and suddenly I could feel a difference between how I felt making wise food choices, being healthy (in all areas) vs. how I used to feel. I realized I DO have more energy, I DO feel better.

Does this mean I never eat sugar/caffeine/dairy? Nope. There are still occasions where I enjoy all of those things. After all I still enjoy food. I just don't live for food. Food doesn't control me. Even better a number on the scale doesn't determine if I feel good about myself. I started the Daniel Plan weighing myself regularly because I still didn't get it. I still though skinny = healthy. But I noticed something. I always felt great about my weight loss until I heard that someone else lost more. Then I felt like crap again. I let a little scale tell me how much I was worth. One day I got fed up with that. So I put the scale away. Literally. And I stopped weighing myself. And I started to feel better. A lot better. 

I evaluated how healthy I was based on the choices I had made each day. Did I choose foods that would help make me stronger? Did I deal with my emotions rather than eating? Did I turn to God for help instead of food?  Did I lead a disciplined life focused on my values? I wasn't perfect, still aren't by the way. But these questions lead me to an intentional life. One that I reflect back on with pride. One that I enjoy living. One that makes me stronger. It's awesome really.

Here's the thing. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are just like me. You're reading this and while it sounds good you're thinking, "I don't eat that unhealthy." or "I don't want to be a health nut." or any number of other reasons why you're willing to walk away and say, "Good for you. Not for me.". Listen, I know. Maybe there's a way to "get it" without living it but I know for me there just wasn't. I just couldn't understand until I did it...for a while. Remember. It took me a solid 5-6 months before this really clicked. Until then I had to just keep acting on faith. In fact, the only way I was able to start this journey was on an act of faith.

Matt could see what I couldn't. He could see that as a family we needed to be healthy, again I can't emphasize enough not just healthy with our food choices but healthy emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He could see that I needed to be healthy. I couldn't. I could have told him no. He's an awesome leader for our family which means he does not play dictator so I could have said no way and he would have honored that. But I trust Matt. And I trust his judgement. So, in January of 2014 I stepped out in faith, trusted the man I chose to follow for the rest of my life and made the choice to pursue healthy. And I am so glad I did.

I know you may not see it. I know you may qualify as "skinny" and it's hard to accept that you're may be just as unhealthy as an obese person. I know that you may think you eat in a healthy enough manner. I know you don't know what you don't know. But I'm asking you to take a step of faith. To trust someone who has been there.  Does it really matter? I didn't think so but I was wrong. You might be too. It won't be easy. It won't be fast. It will be worth it.

"How much weight have you lost?" is a good question, like I said before it's nice to have hard work noticed! But maybe a more accurate question would be, "How much have you gained?" because I guarantee I've gained a lot more than I lost!