Reaction Theory

Every time I put Ellie down to sleep, whether it's for a nap or bedtime or a middle of the night feeding, I always pray for 3 things while we're rocking: patience, strength and to fall more in love with her and Matt everyday.

If you're a parent (and probably even if you aren't!) you can probably figure out why I'm praying for those 3 things constantly :)  Last week as I was rocking her and praying I found myself saying to God something along these lines, "I don't want to spend Ellie's life merely reacting to her..."  And it was that thought that spawned a whole slew of thoughts.

Reacting as a parent is often a necessity, especially when they're little.  Ellie cries, I react.  Ellie laughs, I react.  Ellie poops, I react.  Ellie yawns, I react.  You get the idea.  The reason I didn't want for my relationship with her to revolve around reacting is because it feels very...surviving and not thriving.  I'm not interested in spending my time just surviving with Ellie, although I have been in that stage before and probably will at some point again.  But I don't want to live there.

Surviving to me is pretty unenjoyable.  It's a flat line, a plateau of cause and effect.  You watch shows like Survivor and you don't think to yourself, man that looks like fun!  You never feel like you're making progress because you're merely reacting to problems as they arise.  It feels a lot like spinning your wheels!  That's because "just surviving" is the antithesis of LIFE.  Sure, lots of us have had to live here in the survival camp but no one wants to stay.  We want to move into thriving.

Thriving is anticipatory.  You have goals or dreams and you move forward to achieve them.  It's not stagnant, you see progress!  You aren't waiting to see what life brings to you, instead you bring it to life!  It's having the freedom to choose what you do and how you do it.  This is where we want to be, no matter what arena of life.  

Surviving Ellie looks like me going through the day changing diapers and just trying to make it until Matt gets home.  I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying who Ellie is or being intentional about how I'm raising her.  Thriving with Ellie looks like having a goal of the kind of person I want her to be in 18 years and then working toward it, each day knowing progress is being made.  On those days I'm surprised when Matt walks through the door because time just flew by! 

Long story short, I don't want to be a reactive parent.  I want to be a proactive one.  I want to choose how I will raise Ellie and not just leave it up to chance or whatever happens.  That to me is what will make both of us more joyful and fulfilled people as she grows.

Now I have zero credentials when it comes to parenting.  I wouldn't even say I've successfully raised a 6 month old!  But, the more I thought about this idea of being in constant reaction to Ellie the more I realized that "reacting" had almost become a way of life for me.  And that bothered me for much the same reason as it bothered me to think I would spend all of Ellie's life merely reacting to her.

In regards to my health, I don't watch what I eat or how I'm eating until I get on the scale and see a number I don't like.  I don't make my relationship with Matt a priority until I notice one day we don't feel as close as we once did.  I don't take time to continually invest in friendships until one day I need a friend and I can't find one.  I don't show up for work and give it my all until a promotion comes open.  That's what a life of reacting looks like.  And it sucks.

The time to be aware of my health is NOW so there's never a weight problem, a heart issue, a health crisis.  The time to invest in my relationship is NOW so there's never a wall to tear down, or a divorce to be averted.  The time to invest in friendships is NOW so when I'm in need of counsel I have a place to go.  The time to work toward a promotion is before the opportunity ever comes so that when it does, I'm ready.

A proactive life allows me to choose where I want to go and what story I want to tell in 10 years.  Reactive living is an easy habit to fall into but it's one I know I want to avoid.  Not just for Ellie's sake but for mine too.

6 things for my 6 month old!

Ellie hit the 6 month mark over this weekend so in her honor here are my top 6 things I've learned or that surprised me or I'd do again or not do again...basically it's 6 random things!

6.   Getting an epidural doesn't hurt! 
          Since I'm a huge needle wimp that was a big deal to me.  I credit my anesthesiologist who was amazing but either way, no pain associated with epidural.

5.  Breastfeeding was a very natural reaction.  
          I was nervous about nursing Ellie for a lot of different reasons some provoked by vanity and others modesty.  Plus it just seemed awkward and weird.  But it wasn't.  At all.  I couldn't believe how totally natural it seemed.

4.  Try, try again!
          I would try something with Ellie at one point early on and it wouldn't work.  But then a few days, weeks months later I'd try it again and she'd love it!  This was true with swaddling, play mats, cereal, bath time...I could go on and on with things she initially hated and later loved (or vice versa)!

3.  Be flexible.
          I like to plan things out in my head like...today we're going to take a picnic lunch outside and sit under the tree.  It will be fun and a great time of mommy/daughter bonding.  We will cuddle and laugh and read books and probably fall asleep on our quilt.  It will be perfect.  And totally not going to happen.  We never made it out the door.  Mommy is defeated.  Keep trying and just remember...sometimes plans work out, sometimes they don't.  It's okay either way.

2.   I'm pretty self-centered.
          I want to get out of the house and do something, I don't care if it's Ellie's nap time.  I want to talk to people, not about Ellie.  I want to cook dinner, not hold Ellie.  I want to exercise, not cuddle Ellie.  I want some attention, not Ellie.  You don't realize how much your life revolves around ME until it doesn't anymore.  It's the healthiest and best adjustment your life could ever have to get off of ME but it's not an easy or fun transition.

1.  Momminess is either awful or awesome depending on my focus.
          When I focus on the tasks associated with Ellie's care...feeding her, changing her diapers, cleaning her room, washing her clothes, giving her a bath...the list is endless, when those things are my focus, being a mommy is awful.  I hate it.  I get irritated with her, with Matt, with myself, even the dogs!  But when I focus on Ellie as a person...her adorable giggles and the face she makes that looks just like grandad, her delight in a fun puzzle or her dad, her cuddles and sleepy smiles...when I focus on those things, being a mommy is the most awesome thing in the world.

And now...my Elle Belle in pictures!

*All photographs are courtesy of Makenzie Lynn Photography...best photographer and friend!

The Parent Trap

As you all know, I'm a new mom.  Ellie will be 6 months old next week so I've only been parenting for about 6 months which means I know next to nothing about parenting.  Let me back up a bit...when Matt and I got engaged we devoured every marriage book we could find and talked to countless couples we respected to make sure we were as prepared as we could be for marriage.  We both love to read and I love to talk so it was a great way for us to prepare.  To be honest it worked amazingly well.  While there has been the expected learning curve I can honestly say, on at least my end, I love being married.  I love Matt, I love who we are and how we work inside our marriage.  I'm a fan :)

Naturally when we found out we were expecting I took the same approach as before.  I immediately ordered every book I could find and began talking with moms that I respect about the whole parenting/motherhood thing.  I read a lot of great material that helped open my eyes to things I wouldn't have ever thought.  I assumed that, while we are all unique individuals, there would be some things that were true across the board.  If I heard, "You'll hear every peep they make and wake up" once I heard it a million times.  Or, another favorite, "You'll never want to leave them, and if you do you'll be anxious to get back home!". 

I began to form my identity as a parent around the experiences of other parents that I read about or talked to.  I anticipated being exhausted because Ellie would be up all hours of the night.  I prepared myself for crazy expensive diapers that we'd never have enough of and a painful or difficult first few nursing experiences.  I got mentally ready to be somewhat incapacitated post birth and to be in lots of pain.  I dreamed about the "Hallelujah!" the-skies-open-and-a-light-shines-down-as-a-dove-descends-on-Ellie's-head moment that would occur when I saw her for the first time.  I was ready.

I was wrong.  Nothing went according to plan.  I was in labor for about 15 hours and it felt like the blink of an eye.  Until I started pushing.  Then it felt like 10 years and it hurt.  A lot. I don't remember seeing Ellie when she was first born.  I think I may have still been screaming at that point.  I don't remember any of it until they brought her back all cleaned up.  No "Hallelujah" moment for me!  Nursing was easy and totally natural and it didn't hurt.  Actually I didn't hurt.  Once she was out I was very mobile and not in much pain.  I wasn't exhausted.  I didn't want to sleep when she slept. I didn't hear every peep.  We didn't use nearly as many diapers as I thought but we did use way more wipes!  And when I left her for the first time 2 weeks after she was born...I didn't think about her at all!  And I wasn't in a hurry to get home!

The identity I had carefully crafted before Ellie was born crumbled in a hurry.  A war began inside myself between what I felt I was expected to do (because that's how all good parents behave) and what I actually thought was wise.  I doubted my instincts so much because I knew I had zero experience.  I have not successfully raised anything!  Basically all I succeeded in doing though was putting myself on the defensive.  Instead of enjoying Ellie and my first few weeks as a new mom I found myself torn and tense anytime I was around other people.  Scared they were judging how I was doing as a parent and since I wasn't doing it "right" or the way they had done it I often felt like a failure.

I'm grateful to say that almost 6 months later I'm slowly discovering who I am as a mother.  It's definitely been a gradual process but I feel more secure in this role and I listen to criticism a lot less.  Really I probably listen to unsolicited advice a lot less too.  I trust my instincts and am not nearly as afraid of doing something "wrong".  And I love being a mommy a lot more.  It's amazing how once I stopped focusing on the "doing" and started just loving Ellie how easy it all became.

The truth is, God didn't make all of us alike intentionally.  He loves diversity!  So why on earth we think that when it comes to parenting we need to suddenly stop being unique and start turning cookie-cutter is beyond me.  I need to embrace the areas I excel as a parent.  I'm really great at talking to Ellie all the time.  It's not surprising then that's she's a very verbal baby.  That's a win!  I'm great at play time and getting down on the floor and rolling around and making a complete fool out of myself.  She loves it and so do I.  That's a win.  We read a lot.  That's a win.  I don't stress if she cries or get worked up, I'm pretty laid back.  That's a win for me.  

At the end of the day, this child adores me and it's not because I change her diaper :) I want to parent out of my strengths, in the long run it's better for Ellie and for me.  My only real regret is that I allowed outside voices to ever make me question my ability as a mother.  God picked me to be Ellie's mommy so why would I ever try to be anything but me in this new role?

One of my best friends gave me great advice pre-Ellie that I didn't fully appreciate until later.  She told me, "The best advice I can give you is no baby is alike."  If I were talking with a soon-to-be-mom that would be the advice I would pass on.  No baby is alike, your baby and your experiences may be like other peoples or they may be totally different.  And that is okay.  Don't fall into the parent trap of thinking you can plan it all out before hand.  You can't.  Definitely prepare, but know that your identity as a parent really can't be formed until you start to parent.  And do it your way.  Whatever works for you is the right way.

I don't make organic baby food for Ellie.  I don't change her outfit every time she spits up.  I don't take her to the doctor for every sniffle or rash.  I don't wash her hair every night.  I'm scared to clip her toenails and I bite off her fingernails.  I don't wash my hands enough.  There's a lot of stuff I don't do.  But I'm a good parent.

I am the pot!

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about some of the content from a post back in August where I discussed my desire for Ellie to be a generous person, not just financially but also emotionally, specifically with love.  To recap, I want her to be someone who is lavish in expressing her love to the people who matter most to her; family, friends, husband...you get the idea.  I then acknowledged that I struggle with this sometimes.  Frequently I have a desire to outwardly display or express my feelings to a close friend or family member only to have a sudden almost involuntary push back to being so vulnerable.

Interestingly I actually consider myself to be a rather affectionate person.  Physical touch and words of affirmation are my love languages and I thought I outwardly expressed it often.  Then something fascinating happened.

I'm around a lot of people a lot of times, so I interact with a wide range of personalities and temperaments and as I've mentioned before I just love trying to figure people out.  Well one day I was thinking some of my interactions with certain types of people, trying to figure out what I could do to know them better.  After all, it's true that some people you just CLICK with and others require a more long term investment.  I found myself thinking, the problem is I just don't feel like I can ever do anything to break through their shell.  Do you ever meet people with that natural disposition?

You know they're going through a tough time but they do not want to talk about it or open up and share their feelings.  They always act like everything is okay and they've got it all together.  They always thank you for offering to help but never let you help.  That kind of person.  The person with zero vulnerability and a nice thick armor you can't crack.  No authenticity to those relationships because you know they're always lying to you, always saying it's okay when it's not, you get the idea.

I really wanted to crack this code and be able to connect with this group of people.  And as I sat there thinking it through my mind slowly turned from "What do I need to do to connect with them?" to "They need to not be like that!".  Oh boy was that a dangerous turn.  Before I knew it I went from loving them to judging them.  And that's when a conversation I had with someone months ago came to the surface.

I was talking with a friend that I hadn't seen in quite awhile about my pregnancy (I was still carrying Ellie at the time) and the struggle I'd had in getting pregnant specifically how God really used that time to change my relationship with Him (I wrote about that last time).  As I shared I got choked up (as often happens when talking about that) and I apologized.  Do you know what she said?  She said, in essence, that it was nice to see and hear about my struggle (basically that I was being vulnerable) because I was someone who always seemed to have it all together.  Seeing that authenticity connected with her in a way we hadn't really before....grrr...hello kettle my name is pot.  

The very thing I was just judging others of I was ultimately guilty of myself.  Funny how easy it is to spot those things in others while ignoring them in yourself. I don't intentionally hide my vulnerability but I'm a very in the moment person so, as silly as it may sound to others with a different personality, when I'm asked how I'm doing I'm literally thinking at that exact moment.  And at that exact moment I'm great!  I'm not carrying around the emotion from a bad day earlier in the week.  I'm not thinking about the car breaking down or the dog going to the vet or Ellie getting her shots.  I'm only thinking NOW and NOW is good!

Different people avoid being vulnerable aka authentic for different reasons, all are valid reasons.  But my point is, maybe before I get frustrated with others I should look at me first...you know, don't worry about their speck just deal with my plank kind of thing.

Here's my attempt for this next week:

1. Don't just think my emotions or affection for others, EXPRESS it to them.

2. Think before I speak and try to not just respond in the moment when appropriate*.

3. Appreciate all the unique personalities surrounding me and don't judge them, love them!

*I in no way endorse being vulnerable and open with every person you encounter.  Hence the "when appropriate" disclaimer.  I'm mostly speaking to my close friendships and family relationships.

 

Let's PAR-TAY!

Things have been so hectic around here (as they always are at the end of August/beginning of September) that I have not had the opportunity to write about a major celebration!  

Warning: this has the potential to be an EXTRA long post :)

On August 25th I turned 30 years old...that's not the celebration part! The cool thing is that last year, 2 days before my 29th birthday we found out we were pregnant!  Since it's around my birthday, it's easy to remember.  I distinctly recall how we found out too.  It was a Tuesday night and Matt and I had gone to his parent's house for my family birthday party.  Pat (Matt's mom) had made me a super yummy chocolate cake with chocolate icing...oh to have dairy again...and as usual I totally gorged myself on delicious cake.

Later that evening, once we'd gotten home my stomach was upset.  That may not seem odd to you but at that point it was a bit unusual for me.  I remember having the thought, "Maybe I'm  pregnant...nah!"  See, it'd been almost 2 years of, "Maybe I'm pregnant!" and I never was.  But I was due to take a pregnancy test at the end of that week (there was no rhyme or reason to my cycles so I just had a time each month I tested) and I figured, hey, might as well get the disappointment over that way it won't ruin my birthday on Thursday.

I did my thing and left the test on the counter because the box says it could take up to 2 minutes for results.  It took like 2 seconds!  I turned back around and there it was...2 lines instead of one!  AAAHHH!  My first thought was, I need to take another test!!  But that was my last one which meant I needed to go to Wal-Mart and buy another test...heck buy a whole stack of tests!

Now I had planned in my mind previously all these super cute ways I was going to let Matt know I was pregnant.  I would get a t-shirt made that said, "Handle with care, we've got a baby in there!" and then wear a sweatshirt over it and at some point casually take off the sweatshirt and wait to see how long it took before he read my shirt's message.  Or I would buy him a little UK onsie and wrap it and give it to him.  Or I would buy the dogs little shirts that said, "I'm a big brother/sister".  Point being I had PLANS.  Until I saw those 2 little lines.

All plans went out the window!  I just start screaming, "MATT!!", he comes running because he thought I had just cut my leg off or something.  I can't talk so I just keep pointing to the bathroom counter.  I remember I was shaking like crazy.  He goes in the bathroom but cannot figure out what he's supposed to be looking for (side note: we never did the take a pregnancy test together thing so he'd never seen one and wouldn't know what 2 lines meant anyway!).  Finally, somehow, someway he figured out what I was pointing at.  I managed to blurt out my predicament, that I needed to take another one and that was my last one and somebody better get me to Wal-Mart ASAP!

And this is why I love my husband so much.  He got all logical on me.  He calmly explained that we were not trusting some Dollar General Store pregnancy test and he was going to go buy the most expensive pregnancy test he could find.  We would not get our hopes up just yet, we would just wait and see.  And then he hugged me.  The biggest bear hug that ever existed, and I knew it was all going to be okay.  Matt was there and he knew what to do and just like he always had, he was going to take care of me.

He did just what he said.  We went and bought the most expensive pregnancy test we could find.  I peed, we prayed and...it was confirmed.  We were going to be parents!

For me, that was a defining moment.  In a lot of ways really.  It was a defining moment in my relationship with God.  And it was a defining moment in my relationship with my husband.

See, during that almost 2 year period I learned more about God and how He felt about me than I had in my previous 28 years.  The biggest thing I learned is that I would follow Him no matter what.  I think before then I always kind of followed God partially because I wanted that connection and relationship with Him but also partially because I wanted Him to do things for me.  I liked to pray, "God please give me a good job.  Please give me a house.  Please give me fill in the blank."  It was all about what God could do for me, not knowing Him regardless.

I guess in a lot of ways it's kind of like the difference between a parent/child relationship and a husband/wife relationship.  Kids love you for what you give them.  I know I did!  It wasn't until after college that I started to learn what a truly cool and fun person my mom was.  Up until then our relationship revolved around me.  I didn't really ask her how she was doing, what her dreams were or what she wanted.  That's how my relationship with God was before this time of waiting occurred in my life.  I kind of thought God's world revolved around me. Naturally all we'd talk about was me and my life and what I wanted.

If I had the same relationship with Matt as I did with my mom growing up well...something tells me that wouldn't fly!  Matt loves me for who I am and I love him for who he is.  Matt is by far the funniest most fun person I've ever encountered.  I love his thirst for knowledge and growth and the way he leads our family with such tenderness and selflessness.  But our relationship doesn't revolve around me.  It revolves around us.

When we first began the whole waiting period I was impatient, ready for God to act NOW.  Our relationship was based still on me.  And like a petulant child who doesn't get their way I was frustrated and angry and I let God know it!  And one day as I was venting to God a question came to mind that really became a catalyst for me, "If God never did another thing for you, would you still follow Him?"

Hmmm...well that seems like an easy question to answer unless it's true.  I asked myself, "Jen, if God never gives you a baby, will you still follow Him?"  That's when I started to see how much I had built my relationship around me.  Was I really going to allow this to determine whether or not I followed God?  To determine how I felt about Him?  To determine if I viewed Him as loving or a liar?  Because that's exactly how I was acting.

It changed everything.  Not overnight mind you.  But, it has changed everything.  I began to invest in my relationship with God not for what I could get from Him but for what I could give to Him.  Now I understand that God's world doesn't revolve around me...I had it backwards.  My world should revolve around Him.

I know what you're thinking.  "So Jen, you're saying that finding out you were pregnant was a defining moment for you and your relationship with God because He finally came through for you and you got what you wanted?"  NOPE.  

It was a defining moment because when I found out I was pregnant my relationship with God didn't change.  What?!  Yup.  There was no, I was mad at You God for not giving me a baby but You gave me one so now I'm happy with You again!  There was no, now I see God is faithful!  I had already realized those things.  I was already "happy" with God.  I already knew He was faithful even if I never had a baby.  I realized I had stopped allowing my circumstances to dictate the condition of my relationship with God.  And that was a defining moment.

So here's to a day that started a whole new chapter in Matt and I's life and a whole new chapter in my relationship with God.  Cheers!

 

What's that again?

There have been SO many things I've been dying to post about but time has been a bit more scarce lately...which is true for every August!  Right now I'm at my parents house visiting and Ellie is down for a nap so I am taking full advantage to get some of my thoughts out before I explode from lack of processing :)

A big thing that's been growing in my mind this month is the whole concept of priorities.  When I was working in a traditional environment prioritizing tasks was a pretty big deal.  You don't want to waste precious time organizing your paper clips when you had a budget proposal due that afternoon.  In every interview I remember there is always at least one question along the lines of, "If you had a million things to do and only 3 hours to do it how would you determine what gets done and what doesn't?".  Okay, that's the Jen version, but the premise is the same!  At the end of the day everyone knows that there will always be a million things to do and not enough time to accomplish them all.  Systems help for sure but the reality is, you can't do it all. Naturally then, employers want employees who know how to correctly determine what's truly important and what is irrelevant in the big picture.

So we all understand prioritizing at work.  But what about at home?  See right now, since I stay home with Ellie, my home is my work and vice versa.  And I've always had personal priorities but I don't know that I've ever tried to intentionally live by them.  My personal priorities are:
1. God
2. Matt
3. Family (Ellie)
4. Family (extended)
5. Friends

There are more than this, like health, work, church, education etc., but those are my top 5.  Interestingly though when I looked at my life I realized I wasn't really living like those things that I say are most valuable to me were actually valuable to me.  My life said my priorities were:
1. Family (Ellie)
2. Work
3. Friends
4. Matt
5. Family (extended)

And yeah, God was probably #6 (for me work means my design/print company, Taylor Made Design Co., and being the music director at The Journey).  Now you may not see a problem with my priorities not lining up with my life but I did.  Because, like in a work environment, I know that my time is limited.  I cannot accomplish everything so I need to be intentional about making sure the most important things get done.  And they weren't.

Which begs the question:  Where my priorities in the wrong order or was I living them in the wrong order?  Is it truly important that God be first in my life?  Does it matter if Ellie comes before Matt?  Isn't work kind of a "have to get it done" thing, is that really avoidable?  Is it even possible to live with my priorities reflecting those values I say are important?

If you've never stopped to evaluate why your priorities are your priorities...you should!  So I spent a lot of time thinking it through and making sure I had the right list for my life.  AND making the necessary adjustments to my lifestyle to ensure I wasn't being a hypocrite.  Of course I'll be honest.  I'm still a hypocrite.  I don't have this down even a little bit.  But knowing I spent time evaluating and figuring it out makes it feel a lot more valid when I have to say "no" to something that interferes with a higher priority.

Matt has often said you can't let the urgent replace the important. But the reality is that if you allow outside forces (circumstances) to control your life you'll never have anything left for the things you value.  You'll just run around putting out fires and wasting your attention on things that don't really matter.  You have to focus on what's important and stay there.

One of my favorite lines from the book of Nehemiah is when he keeps telling the people who come to distract him (oh we need to meet with you, oh so-and-so is spreading this rumor, you get the idea), "I'm doing a very important work and cannot come down."  Over and over, that's his response!  Talk about stubborn :)  That's exactly what I have to tell myself whenever good opportunities come along to do good things that distract from what I've deemed most important in my life.

Doing something great often means saying "no" to something good (again, that's not from me, I read it somewhere).  And I believe God has called me to something great.  Not necessarily being president, although I'd be a pretty cool one.  My greatness or legacy will hopefully be born out of my priorities.  Being a wife to Matt, being a mom to Ellie and whomever else comes behind her, being a friend to my sisters who don't share the same parents but definitely share hearts...that's my wall I cannot come down from right now.

Here's where we are now.  My priorities are slowly working their way around to being in line with the things I value most.  And some of them are still in a jumble as I try to figure out which is more important to me...exercise or work? Play time or taking a shower?  Okay that last one isn't real...although when Ellie was first born...you get the idea!

How do you determine your priorities? Do you find it difficult to live by them on a day-to-day basis?

My beautiful little melancholy...

I've mentioned before my love for all things psychological.  I'm not 100% sure where this passion came from but I remember being in high school and scouring the library for books on handwriting analysis (write a sentence on a piece of paper without lines...go ahead do it now, I'll wait....done?  Okay, now.  Did you know that if your sentence slants up it means you're more optimistic by nature?  And you guessed it, if it slants down you're more pessimistic.  How cool is that?!).  What teenager in their right mind scours the library for books on handwriting analysis?  Just color me a pretty shade of GEEK.

I think my obsession actually started out of my own personal insecurity.  I wasn't sure who I was or what I wanted or liked.  But in psychology I could take a test and it would tell me, "You're a XYZA personality!"  or, "You're an Otter!" and then I'd be like, "Oh wow!  Finally I know who I am!"  Well...at least temporarily.  Until I was tired of being that one and then I'd switch over to another!  Anyone seen the Julie Roberts/Richard Gere classic, Runaway Bride?  I SO related.  I had no clue how I liked my own eggs.

Then in college I finally started figuring out me.  Who I was, what I believed, what I wanted out of life...all that good deep philosophical jazz.  I can't lie, that wasn't really a very fun journey.  I'm very grateful for it, but it required a lot of work.  Now, I know who I am and I don't need a personality test to tell me that.

I do however love understanding how other people are wired so I can better communicate with them and have a better relationship.  It's only natural to assume that everyone thinks like you do.  But it's a very flawed lens to look at people through.  For example:  A choleric personality might send an e-mail that says, "Order new pens ASAP!".  

  

• The sanguine thinks, "Oh no! Are they mad at me?!"
• The melancholy thinks, "How rude!"
• The phlegmatic thinks, "Good grief. What's the big deal?"

 

It's so easy to get offended when you think everyone thinks like you!  That's why I love psychology, it gives us a great framework for understanding people.  Everyone is different and unique but we do have certain commonalities that when utilized properly will only enhance our relationships.

All that being said, I think my daughter is a melancholy.  She's a little young to know for sure but I'm pretty stinkin sure.  Her daddy has a good dose of melancholy in him so that's a fair conclusion to draw.  And knowing this totally changes the way I interact with her.  

A melancholy is an introvert personality.  So throwing her into environments with lots of people is "no way Jose!" kind of situation.  They also don't like surprises...at all.  That means, no sudden movements, something like a loud peek-a-boo might just startle her into tears!  She loves her routine and momma/daddy are her security blankets.  She doesn't want to try anything new or be around lots of noise but she does love to cuddle (my favorite thing!).

I'm so glad that I've realized her temperament because it completely adjusts my expectations for her.  I won't expect her to be that baby that goes to everyone and I won't feel embarrassed that she cries with a stranger.  That's just not who she is.  I won't expect her to love lots of noise and activity and I won't be concerned that she isn't more interactive.  That's just who she is.  I can just embrace the wonderful beautiful personality that she has and be grateful that God has blessed me with a wonderful, sensitive soul.

Maybe my awareness of the way she is naturally wired will help make that road of self-discovery we all travel a little easier for her too.  Maybe it'll make her love herself a little earlier and a little more than I did.  I'd be cool with that.

Have you ever evaluated how you're wired vs. how your child/spouse/boss/friends are?  You should give it a try!

PS

I'm personally a fan of the Choleric/Melancholy/Sanguine/Phlegmatic structure...a good resource is author Florence Littauer who writes a lot from this format, you can find her on Amazon.

Family Values

When Matt and I found out we were pregnant with Ellie one of the first things we started discussing were the values we wanted to instill in her.  I had read a book a long time ago (before Matt and I ever dated long ago) and it discussed how each family has values whether they're aware of it or not.  As I thought about it I realized how true that was!  Even though I don't remember my parents ever specifically saying, "Okay kids here are the rules we live by" they still communicated what we valued simply by how they made their decisions, distributed their time and money, and just lived their lives.

An organization called ReThink has mainstreamed this whole idea of parenting with the end in mind.  It's a strategy we utilize at The Journey and it's founder, Reggie Joiner, has written several books and I've heard him speak at conferences before.  What he says makes sense to me.  We want to be intentional with how we raise Ellie so we've put a strategy in place that includes determining our values now so we can focus on it now...it's like giving us a parenting framework.  Anyway, Reggie explains it a lot better than me so if you're intrigued you should purchase his books (you can get them on Amazon)...I would start with Parenting Beyond Your Capacity: Connect Your Family to a Wider Community.

Moving forward.  So each day I try to connect the dots for Ellie between our values and the choices we're making.  Keeping in mind she's 4 months and 1 week old so...I can't say much is sinking in at this point!  Really, at this time, the discussions and dot connecting are for me not her so that later when she's watching me I've already made sure I'm aligning the way I live with the way I say I want to live.

We pinpointed 5 values but the one I've been thinking about a lot today is GENEROSITY.  I made these designs to hang on her walls in her bedroom.  

Generosity to me is a pretty big deal.  I want to be a generous person and I hope that Ellie will grow to be a generous person as well.  Generous with love...with forgiveness...with her time and money...with her talents and skills...with everything!

Here's where I've really been thinking a lot today.  It sounds so easy to be generous with love but the more I thought about it the more I realized how truly stingy I can be.  From somewhere in the recesses of my mind I brought up a scene from the movie The Patriot.  It's toward the end of the movie and Mel Gibson's character is about to leave his family and head back into battle with the British.  His youngest daughter hasn't talked since his wife died and he's begging her to say something before he leaves.  She refuses and as he's walking away it's like a dam bursts and suddenly she can't hold back any longer.  She runs after him screaming, they embrace and the tears just come pouring out...from me not them!

That scene tears me apart every time!  But it's a really great illustration of what we, okay I, so often do.  Sometimes the people I love the most (Matt & Ellie) provoke such a strong emotional response from me.  Just like the little girl it feels safer to just withhold those strong sentiments hoping to avoid being hurt or rejected perhaps.  Or maybe I just feel silly being so emotionally attached.  I hear the garage door open signaling Matt is home and my initial reaction is to do a slow-motion sprint into his arms like you see in the movies because I've missed him so much.  But then he walks in the door and suddenly I feel silly so I just say, "How was your day?".  

I felt this play out yesterday which is probably why it's on my mind today a lot.  Yesterday my father-in-law had open heart surgery.  The family was with him in his room before they took him back for the operation and I felt very emotional.  Not because I was worried or scared that he wouldn't be okay but just because when someone you love is about to endure something that painful it just brings out the emotions!  The nurse came in to get him and I had this strong desire to hug him and tell him I loved him one more time.  But there was this immediate push back.  Again, what if I looked foolish?  Or what if the family thought I was being an over emotional sap?  So I found myself tempted to withhold that display of love.

I'm grateful at the last minute I worked up the courage to tell him I loved him and give him a hug before I left the room but that struggle was very real!  Being generous with love is very VULNERABLE and that's what can make living it out hard.  I need to continually be aware of this tension and be intentional about choosing love, not just for Ellie's sake but for mine too.

I'll tell you about our other values some other time for now, this one has given me plenty to think about!

Welcome to our family!

Howdy folks!  Welcome to the Johnson Family Ramblings, so named because well...we're the Johnson family and I (Jen) am writing it which means it's bound to be full of ramblings!  My husband Matt always accuses me of using 20 words when 2 will do, but what's the fun of only 2 words?  Of course he's an introvert so naturally he prefers 2 words over 20...and come to think of it I'm an extrovert hence the more words the merrier!  I also use exclamation points a lot.  But they're very genuine exclamation marks.  If you know me in person you would agree I exclaim quite frequently.

So...I guess step one is to introduce you to the Johnson family!  Let the rambling commence:

MEET MATT:

Matt is my hubby and the best man I've ever encountered, hence why I married him.  He's the lead pastor at The Journey Church (shameless website plug here! www.TheEpicJourney.com) in Murray, KY which he started back in September of 2005.  He loves what he does which is a pretty big deal, I mean how many people do you know that wake up excited to get to work?  I don't know that many, maybe I'm just surrounded by weirdos but I think not, I think most people aren't fortunate to love what they do.  Matt loves learning and is constantly reading (mostly leadership/management books).

MEET JEN (ME):

I'm Jen!  It's kind of hard to talk about yourself so I'll keep it short.  I'm a Phlegmatic Sanguine and obviously a big psychology lover (Matt is a Choleric/Melancholy just in case you were curious)!  I've always been obsessed with psychology and how the way we're wired can impact our relationships with others.  Communication (specifically interpersonal) is my 2nd love and I think one of these days I'll probably invest in the necessary degree to become a family/marriage counselor.  But that'll be my later in life career :)  For now, I'm the music director at the Journey and I own my own design business, Taylor Made Design Co. (my maiden name is Taylor)!  Most importantly though, I'm Ellie's mama.   

MEET ELIZABETH GRACE:

Ellie is our newest addition!  She was just born April 6th of this year and she is the most wonderful baby girl ever created!  She is also her daddy made over :)  Talk about 2 peas in a pod...I'm decidedly outnumbered. 

MEET RUPP RACER:

Rupp is our long-haired chihuahua!  He's named after Rupp Arena (obviously we're big UK fans) and our Murray State Racers. GOOOO RACERS! We adopted Rupp from Paws 'N Claws which is a rescue organization back in 2010.  Rupp is our very obedient and sweet puppy.

MEET CALI:

Cali is a yorkie something and she is named after John Calipari.  Cali is also a rescue puppy and she just joined our family back in 2011.  While Rupp is very compliant Cali is her own boss!  But we love her independent spirit...most days!

Well, there you have it!  Now that you've met the family I hope you'll check in periodically...assuming you can handle the rambling :)