Jesus asks Peter a very pointed question as he's nearing the end of his life. "Who do you say I am?" It's a pretty personal question. It cuts through a lot of junk really fast. 2,000 years later it's still the question that God asks each of us. And it's equally pointed and personal now just as it was then.
Why am I starting a blog post with this? Well...I'm about to update you on some things that are happening right now with James David, my 28 week and 6 day old in-my-belly son. But before I do, it's important that you understand the framework through which I see life and the experiences I've had and will have.
I answered this question, "Who do you say I am?", when I was in my mid teens. I honestly don't remember the exact date but I remember the moment vividly. It was the moment when I acknowledged all my doubts and uncertainty regarding Jesus, God and faith and chose to believe anyway. The truth is, I couldn't reconcile all my questions. But I also couldn't ignore the longing I had to embrace this personal God.
I remember wanting to believe prior to then. I mean who doesn't want to believe that there's a God up there who loves us and cherishes us and wants us? I just never could, prior to then, see past my questions to embrace Him. But that night, I can't explain it except to say that God just became unbelievably real to me. In that moment my questions just didn't matter much. It wasn't that I found answers for everything, I didn't. But Jesus, God and faith became personal.
Since then I've continually tried to live my life in a way that is connected to and honoring God. Sometimes I've been successful and a lot of times I've failed miserably. I've had seasons of closeness with God and seasons where I wanted to be back in charge of life. I've made lots of mistakes, still do. But there is one thing I've stuck to. I believe God is real, I believe He is who He says He is and that He loved me (and you by the way) so much that He sent His only son to reconcile us to Him so we could have a personal relationship with Him. And that is the framework for my life.
I don't understand why bad things happen or good things happen. I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand why there's hurt and illness and war...my list could go on and on. But I do know that God is good. God is love. God is faithful. God is personal and here right beside me. Because I know these things when something uncertain happens I look to Him and say, "God, I don't get it. I don't understand but You do and I trust You. Whatever happens, I choose You."
It's a really long way of getting here but everything I'm about to tell you regarding James David is filtered through my lens of God knows and He can make good out of any heartache or trial. So while I'm not excited or happy about our most recent turn of events I'm also not devastated. This isn't Earth shattering because I know the One who created the Earth. And no matter what happens, I trust Him. My hope isn't controlled by my circumstances. My hope is in Him and He never fails me.
On to my little one. Let's start with some celebrating! Last Saturday Matt and I celebrated two big milestones. We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary AND reaching the 28 week mark! HOORAY! 28 weeks was a big deal because 1. it allows us to stay in the Paducah NICU vs. traveling to Nashville or Louisville, 2. it's the point where our sons survivability rate is at about 90% successful and we can finally begin planning to bring a baby home one day! We partied hard purchasing some nursery items and baby clothes, even a double stroller...it was a truly awesome milestone :)
At our beginning of May appointment we found out that James David was a little fella, only in 16% for his weight. We have been waiting since then for our next growth ultrasound which was yesterday. We really wanted this little boy to grow, otherwise I would be put on strict bedrest for 2 weeks and then they would take the baby. Yesterday's growth ultrasound revealed that he was now 2 lbs. and 10 oz! Our doctor told us she was not concerned with his growth anymore based on these results. That earned a big HOORAY too!
On the uncertain side. Our ultrasound yesterday also revealed that the fluid around James David is very low...in the 5th percentile. Traditionally, with fluid that low they would take the baby immediately. However, because he's still so young (29 weeks tomorrow) we are going to try and delay. So, I am on bedrest :) Not nearly as strict as some women have to experience but bedrest none-the-less. The goal of this bedrest is to focus my bloodflow on my pelvic area where James David is and hopefully help him generate more fluid. By restricting my movement my blood flow will not be sent elsewhere (to legs etc.). Matt is also pouring water into me like the flood! LOL!
Next Friday (one week from today), we'll go back to the doctor. If my fluid is not higher then I will be admitted to the hospital. We believe the goal is to reach 31-32 weeks before they take the baby unless it's necessary before then. They also confirmed that he is in the breech position (poor fellow is folded up like a taco with his feet over his head!) and we are looking at a c-section. I was very fortunate to not have to have Ellie via c-section last time and certainly wish I could avoid it this go around too but, I'll settle for having a viable, survivable baby ;)
We have so much to be thankful for already that it's hard to be too down about some of the things that didn't go our way. I've never had surgery or stitches before so the thought of c-section is well....petrifying. But I am so grateful for a little boy who has made it to almost 29 weeks I say, bring it on! Is giving birth to a 31-32 week baby my preference? No, it could make for a long NICU stay, lots of hospital bills and tricky scheduling to try and be with both of my children. But I have a son who God willing, I will get to meet on Earth and I wasn't sure that would be true before so, bring it on! I have an amazing husband who is taking great care of me while I'm on bedrest, caring and giving friends who already are making everything better...I am so humbled already by all the goodness I've received.
It's conflicting for sure. On one hand I am scared and uncertain, overwhelmed and anxious. But then I just remind myself that God will see me through. Whether it all goes best case scenario or worst case scenario, He is faithful. "Who do you say that I am?" My answer, no matter what, is, "You are the Christ, the son of the living God!" And I will follow You.
