If you haven't heard yet we are going to be having a BOY! Both Matt and I are so excited to have a little man in the house :) As I mentioned before though, it makes it more personal. There are definitely times where I desperately want to retreat from knowing this little person and it takes a lot of energy to remain engaged with the whole pregnancy. One piece of scripture I've been trying to focus in on lately is in Luke 22 when Jesus is in the garden just before his arrest and crucifixion. It's something of an iconic passage for the Christian faith.
Jesus prays essentially, "not my will but Your (God's) will be done". I've heard it a million times growing up in church. People always quote it when they're facing difficult situations and the like. So naturally I was drawn to it as well. To be honest, in the past when I've pulled the not my will but Yours card I'm typically meaning, "not my will but Yours...preferably mine". I don't know if I've ever really found a way to pray that statement without secretly still very much wanting MY will to be done. And of course since God is everywhere all the time it's not really much of a secret.
So, this week as I got out my bible and started reading I went straight to Luke 22 and began reading. Here's what I found (it begins with Jesus praying), "Father, if you are willing please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine." Hmmm...the part I always remember is just the Your will not mine section. But it turns out Jesus wasn't ready to give up the fight yet either. He knew the death he would face and it was going to be agony. He knew it would be hard. And he wasn't afraid to admit to God, I don't want to do this.
How often do I try to hide my feelings from God? I offer up an insincere "have Your way, Father" prayer and then wonder why I feel distant from Him. I wonder why our relationship doesn't have that closeness that we've had in the past. It's not surprising though when I recognize I'm not being honest or authentic with God. How many friendships can last based on pretense? None. When I take out the honest plea for my preference I take the authenticity from my relationship with God. I don't have to pretend like it doesn't matter to me whether my son lives or dies. Which is a good thing because it does matter to me!
Looking at "Your will be done" through this lens changes things for me. It allows me to acknowledge how much I want my son to live and grow up and play basketball with Matt in the driveway and go on his first date and mow yards to make a little extra cash. All the while expressing my desire to know my son simultaneously agreeing that God is good and He can make any bad situation into something good.
Before faith meant something more like suppressing the disagreeing emotions and saying, "God is in control." Now I see faith as more like acknowledging the fear, the hurt, the confusion and still leaning into God. Taking all my doubts with me into my dialogue with Him. It's made a big difference for me personally.
Next is my favorite part though...verse 43 says, "Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him." Did you get that? God the Father knew Jesus had to die for my sins and knew He had to endure the horrible death. But He wasn't about to abandon Jesus. Instead He strengthened Him. I can't lie...I don't really want to be strengthened. I want my way.
When Ellie is refusing to nap and I'm ready to collapse from emotional and physical exhaustion, I don't want to be strengthened. I want to be rescued! I want it all to disappear! When I'm feeling lonely and afraid I don't want to be strengthened I want to know it will all be okay! But sometimes, we go through things. Bad things. Hard things. And if we, if I'm, not careful we'll miss the strength because we're busy dreaming of a rescue.
Every time I feel a cramp or a twinge or a weird feeling (which as anyone who's been pregnant can tell you is constantly!) my mind thinks, "Is this it? Is this the beginning of the end?" That's a very emotionally exhausting state. I'm not a worrier by nature but I do have constant reminders that things may not be okay. Trust me, the thing I need most from God is strength. The strength to say, "God, I want this baby more than anything. And if it's possible for me to have him then I will be grateful. But I trust You to prepare me for what I don't know. Give me strength for today because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but You do. And that's enough."
I wish I could put into words how revolutionary this is for me. But it's huge. I spend a lot more time in honest conversation with God now. I admit I'm scared a lot more. That I hurt a lot more. That I want to give up a lot more. And the most awesome thing happens. He comes and strengthens me. In my weakness, He is strong.
