It's been a long time since I last wrote mostly because I have been wrestling with an issue for quite awhile. Generally I try to have it at least clear in my mind before I will blog about it but this one has been such a doozy that I'm still not sure I know exactly how to articulate it! But I am determined to try.
Several weeks back I posted a status on Facebook that read, "Family is more important than work. But work makes me feel more important than my family...". What I simply meant is that when I spend my day taking care of my kids and raising them to love people and love God there is no immediate reward. At the end of the day no one looks at me and says, "Way to knock that one out of the park momma!" Ellie doesn't look at me and say, "Thank you for changing my diapers and loving me momma.". And if she's anything like me it'll probably take a good 20 years before she realizes all the wonderful things her mother is.
The work that I do outside of the home however provides me with immediate rewards and benefits and plenty of positive feedback. My clients pay me cash for the work I do. My supervisor at The Journey frequently encourages me and the job I'm doing. Plus I can make out a to-do list for the work I do outside the home and at the end of the day I have tangible tasks marked off. I feel accomplished, I did something today! My to-do list at home might read:
1. Instill character and integrity into Ellie & James
2. Develop healthy lifestyles for Ellie & James
3. Train Ellie & James on how to be functioning and hopefully thriving members of society
Exactly how am I supposed to measure those on a daily basis?! Raising children feels a bit like walking on water...nothing feels very concrete so it's hard to get your footing! Work outside the home though? Piece of cake. At least in terms of knowing if I'm being successful or not! If I'm failing miserably as music director at The Journey I can guarantee you that my boss will let me know about it. If my clients from Taylor Made Design Co. aren't pleased with my work, they tell me...trust me!
So, while I know that what I'm doing at home will have a longer lasting impact that is far more important, work outside the home makes me feel more important. And that's where the rub is. One is not about me and the other is all about me. What I do at home, isn't about me. Making Jen feel good is not the priority. Raising children who love people and love God is. At work, it's all about me feeling good. I feel productive, I feel valued, I feel accomplished! Me, me, ME.
What does this ultimately point to? Doing vs. being. Let me tell you another story. A friend recently told me about a position she had read about that required 5-10 hours each week, working from home doing administrative tasks for a very cool company. My first thought? I could do that!
WHAT?! Miss 2 kids under the age of 2, runs her own design company and is the music director for The Journey really thinks she has time to do this TOO?! Are you nuts?! But it would be fun! What an opportunity! I know this company would be such a cool place to be associated with and learn from! Translation (after some serious soul searching): Maybe this would be the thing that would finally make me feel valuable. Maybe this will finally prove I'm a somebody. Maybe this will finally fill that empty spot in my heart that no one knows about that keeps wondering, "Am I enough?".
The short answer, by the way, is no. This, like everything else you do, will never answer the question, "Am I enough?". It can't. And if we aren't careful we all will wind up doing our lives away. When I look to my activities and my extracurriculars and my career to answer this question I will always walk away unsure. Because I cannot do enough. There is always MORE.
If that discourages you, friend, I have good news. I can offer you hope because the answer to that question isn't in the doing. It's in the being. You, me, all of us are already enough. Just as we are. We don't have to do anything! For me, this all comes back to God. When I'm running myself haggard trying to do as much as I can it always stems from one of two causes:
1. I'm looking to people and not God for my security
OR
2. I'm trying to earn God's approval by performing for Him
When I'm focused on what other people think about me, do they think I'm valuable as a person (smart enough, funny enough, good enough), I find myself in a vicious "doing" cycle. I'm trying to impress people and show them what a truly great leader and entrepreneur I am! I want to WOW them with my writing skills because then they'll comment on Facebook about how moved they were by my story and I'll feel valued! I try to sing higher and hold notes longer so they'll all be moved by my talents and abilities. And in the process I'll miss out on any kind of peace or joy. I'll be on a constant roller coaster because my mood depends on the praise and support of fickle people. I'll only feel I matter when I'm getting attention. OUCH.
Sometimes, I flip flop this. I think I can perform well enough for God that He'll bless me more or be proud of me. I'll look at the scripture and say, "I know You say that You love me just as I am but I'm so full of pride that I believe I can impress You, God of the universe, creator of all things.". That's pretty astoundingly arrogant isn't it? Not only to think I would have the ability to impress God but to also think it's okay to call Him a liar, that what He said in the Bible wasn't true. So once again, I'm busy doing. Let me show You what I can do God! You'll want me then!
What's crazy is that God already wants us. All of us. Not for our doing but for our being. He loves Jennifer Lynne Johnson just as I am, not as I do. If I choose to embrace this simple truth then suddenly my life is full of peace and joy and hope! The emotional roller coaster disappears because suddenly I'm anchored in the unchanging, unfailing love of God. I don't have to wear myself out trying to do my way into being "enough". I can rest. I can be the mom He created me to be. I can be the wife He called me to be. I can be the friend, the sister, the daughter. Anchored in this truth I can be everything I was ever created to be...we all can.
Jen, you are a pretty smart lady. It took me 42 years to figure out what you have already learned. When we worry about what other people think and if we are good enough in the eyes of other people, we are not accepting God's word nor His plan. We are only focusing on ME. I was working 70 hours a week. I had no time to attend God's house, no time to attend my children's functions at school. However, people said I was a really dedicated RN, dependable, knowledgeable. One day God said He was in charge and put an end to my life as I knew it. My children were grown, so they did not need overseeing as much as they did when they were younger. An accident. I could no longer work. I could not be that dedicated RN. Who was I. What was my purpose in life? It took me a long time to find that I was God's child. That I, Mary Rivera, was a wonderful person with lots of fine qualities that God wanted me to use for Him. Yes, it was a hard road, but at least I am on the right road now.
ReplyDelete