Things have been so hectic around here (as they always are at the end of August/beginning of September) that I have not had the opportunity to write about a major celebration!
Warning: this has the potential to be an EXTRA long post :)
On August 25th I turned 30 years old...that's not the celebration part! The cool thing is that last year, 2 days before my 29th birthday we found out we were pregnant! Since it's around my birthday, it's easy to remember. I distinctly recall how we found out too. It was a Tuesday night and Matt and I had gone to his parent's house for my family birthday party. Pat (Matt's mom) had made me a super yummy chocolate cake with chocolate icing...oh to have dairy again...and as usual I totally gorged myself on delicious cake.
Later that evening, once we'd gotten home my stomach was upset. That may not seem odd to you but at that point it was a bit unusual for me. I remember having the thought, "Maybe I'm pregnant...nah!" See, it'd been almost 2 years of, "Maybe I'm pregnant!" and I never was. But I was due to take a pregnancy test at the end of that week (there was no rhyme or reason to my cycles so I just had a time each month I tested) and I figured, hey, might as well get the disappointment over that way it won't ruin my birthday on Thursday.
I did my thing and left the test on the counter because the box says it could take up to 2 minutes for results. It took like 2 seconds! I turned back around and there it was...2 lines instead of one! AAAHHH! My first thought was, I need to take another test!! But that was my last one which meant I needed to go to Wal-Mart and buy another test...heck buy a whole stack of tests!
Now I had planned in my mind previously all these super cute ways I was going to let Matt know I was pregnant. I would get a t-shirt made that said, "Handle with care, we've got a baby in there!" and then wear a sweatshirt over it and at some point casually take off the sweatshirt and wait to see how long it took before he read my shirt's message. Or I would buy him a little UK onsie and wrap it and give it to him. Or I would buy the dogs little shirts that said, "I'm a big brother/sister". Point being I had PLANS. Until I saw those 2 little lines.
All plans went out the window! I just start screaming, "MATT!!", he comes running because he thought I had just cut my leg off or something. I can't talk so I just keep pointing to the bathroom counter. I remember I was shaking like crazy. He goes in the bathroom but cannot figure out what he's supposed to be looking for (side note: we never did the take a pregnancy test together thing so he'd never seen one and wouldn't know what 2 lines meant anyway!). Finally, somehow, someway he figured out what I was pointing at. I managed to blurt out my predicament, that I needed to take another one and that was my last one and somebody better get me to Wal-Mart ASAP!
And this is why I love my husband so much. He got all logical on me. He calmly explained that we were not trusting some Dollar General Store pregnancy test and he was going to go buy the most expensive pregnancy test he could find. We would not get our hopes up just yet, we would just wait and see. And then he hugged me. The biggest bear hug that ever existed, and I knew it was all going to be okay. Matt was there and he knew what to do and just like he always had, he was going to take care of me.
He did just what he said. We went and bought the most expensive pregnancy test we could find. I peed, we prayed and...it was confirmed. We were going to be parents!
For me, that was a defining moment. In a lot of ways really. It was a defining moment in my relationship with God. And it was a defining moment in my relationship with my husband.
See, during that almost 2 year period I learned more about God and how He felt about me than I had in my previous 28 years. The biggest thing I learned is that I would follow Him no matter what. I think before then I always kind of followed God partially because I wanted that connection and relationship with Him but also partially because I wanted Him to do things for me. I liked to pray, "God please give me a good job. Please give me a house. Please give me fill in the blank." It was all about what God could do for me, not knowing Him regardless.
I guess in a lot of ways it's kind of like the difference between a parent/child relationship and a husband/wife relationship. Kids love you for what you give them. I know I did! It wasn't until after college that I started to learn what a truly cool and fun person my mom was. Up until then our relationship revolved around me. I didn't really ask her how she was doing, what her dreams were or what she wanted. That's how my relationship with God was before this time of waiting occurred in my life. I kind of thought God's world revolved around me. Naturally all we'd talk about was me and my life and what I wanted.
If I had the same relationship with Matt as I did with my mom growing up well...something tells me that wouldn't fly! Matt loves me for who I am and I love him for who he is. Matt is by far the funniest most fun person I've ever encountered. I love his thirst for knowledge and growth and the way he leads our family with such tenderness and selflessness. But our relationship doesn't revolve around me. It revolves around us.
When we first began the whole waiting period I was impatient, ready for God to act NOW. Our relationship was based still on me. And like a petulant child who doesn't get their way I was frustrated and angry and I let God know it! And one day as I was venting to God a question came to mind that really became a catalyst for me, "If God never did another thing for you, would you still follow Him?"
Hmmm...well that seems like an easy question to answer unless it's true. I asked myself, "Jen, if God never gives you a baby, will you still follow Him?" That's when I started to see how much I had built my relationship around me. Was I really going to allow this to determine whether or not I followed God? To determine how I felt about Him? To determine if I viewed Him as loving or a liar? Because that's exactly how I was acting.
It changed everything. Not overnight mind you. But, it has changed everything. I began to invest in my relationship with God not for what I could get from Him but for what I could give to Him. Now I understand that God's world doesn't revolve around me...I had it backwards. My world should revolve around Him.
I know what you're thinking. "So Jen, you're saying that finding out you were pregnant was a defining moment for you and your relationship with God because He finally came through for you and you got what you wanted?" NOPE.
It was a defining moment because when I found out I was pregnant my relationship with God didn't change. What?! Yup. There was no, I was mad at You God for not giving me a baby but You gave me one so now I'm happy with You again! There was no, now I see God is faithful! I had already realized those things. I was already "happy" with God. I already knew He was faithful even if I never had a baby. I realized I had stopped allowing my circumstances to dictate the condition of my relationship with God. And that was a defining moment.
So here's to a day that started a whole new chapter in Matt and I's life and a whole new chapter in my relationship with God. Cheers!
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