As you all know, I'm a new mom. Ellie will be 6 months old next week so I've only been parenting for about 6 months which means I know next to nothing about parenting. Let me back up a bit...when Matt and I got engaged we devoured every marriage book we could find and talked to countless couples we respected to make sure we were as prepared as we could be for marriage. We both love to read and I love to talk so it was a great way for us to prepare. To be honest it worked amazingly well. While there has been the expected learning curve I can honestly say, on at least my end, I love being married. I love Matt, I love who we are and how we work inside our marriage. I'm a fan :)
Naturally when we found out we were expecting I took the same approach as before. I immediately ordered every book I could find and began talking with moms that I respect about the whole parenting/motherhood thing. I read a lot of great material that helped open my eyes to things I wouldn't have ever thought. I assumed that, while we are all unique individuals, there would be some things that were true across the board. If I heard, "You'll hear every peep they make and wake up" once I heard it a million times. Or, another favorite, "You'll never want to leave them, and if you do you'll be anxious to get back home!".
I began to form my identity as a parent around the experiences of other parents that I read about or talked to. I anticipated being exhausted because Ellie would be up all hours of the night. I prepared myself for crazy expensive diapers that we'd never have enough of and a painful or difficult first few nursing experiences. I got mentally ready to be somewhat incapacitated post birth and to be in lots of pain. I dreamed about the "Hallelujah!" the-skies-open-and-a-light-shines-down-as-a-dove-descends-on-Ellie's-head moment that would occur when I saw her for the first time. I was ready.
I was wrong. Nothing went according to plan. I was in labor for about 15 hours and it felt like the blink of an eye. Until I started pushing. Then it felt like 10 years and it hurt. A lot. I don't remember seeing Ellie when she was first born. I think I may have still been screaming at that point. I don't remember any of it until they brought her back all cleaned up. No "Hallelujah" moment for me! Nursing was easy and totally natural and it didn't hurt. Actually I didn't hurt. Once she was out I was very mobile and not in much pain. I wasn't exhausted. I didn't want to sleep when she slept. I didn't hear every peep. We didn't use nearly as many diapers as I thought but we did use way more wipes! And when I left her for the first time 2 weeks after she was born...I didn't think about her at all! And I wasn't in a hurry to get home!
The identity I had carefully crafted before Ellie was born crumbled in a hurry. A war began inside myself between what I felt I was expected to do (because that's how all good parents behave) and what I actually thought was wise. I doubted my instincts so much because I knew I had zero experience. I have not successfully raised anything! Basically all I succeeded in doing though was putting myself on the defensive. Instead of enjoying Ellie and my first few weeks as a new mom I found myself torn and tense anytime I was around other people. Scared they were judging how I was doing as a parent and since I wasn't doing it "right" or the way they had done it I often felt like a failure.
I'm grateful to say that almost 6 months later I'm slowly discovering who I am as a mother. It's definitely been a gradual process but I feel more secure in this role and I listen to criticism a lot less. Really I probably listen to unsolicited advice a lot less too. I trust my instincts and am not nearly as afraid of doing something "wrong". And I love being a mommy a lot more. It's amazing how once I stopped focusing on the "doing" and started just loving Ellie how easy it all became.
The truth is, God didn't make all of us alike intentionally. He loves diversity! So why on earth we think that when it comes to parenting we need to suddenly stop being unique and start turning cookie-cutter is beyond me. I need to embrace the areas I excel as a parent. I'm really great at talking to Ellie all the time. It's not surprising then that's she's a very verbal baby. That's a win! I'm great at play time and getting down on the floor and rolling around and making a complete fool out of myself. She loves it and so do I. That's a win. We read a lot. That's a win. I don't stress if she cries or get worked up, I'm pretty laid back. That's a win for me.
At the end of the day, this child adores me and it's not because I change her diaper :) I want to parent out of my strengths, in the long run it's better for Ellie and for me. My only real regret is that I allowed outside voices to ever make me question my ability as a mother. God picked me to be Ellie's mommy so why would I ever try to be anything but me in this new role?
One of my best friends gave me great advice pre-Ellie that I didn't fully appreciate until later. She told me, "The best advice I can give you is no baby is alike." If I were talking with a soon-to-be-mom that would be the advice I would pass on. No baby is alike, your baby and your experiences may be like other peoples or they may be totally different. And that is okay. Don't fall into the parent trap of thinking you can plan it all out before hand. You can't. Definitely prepare, but know that your identity as a parent really can't be formed until you start to parent. And do it your way. Whatever works for you is the right way.
I don't make organic baby food for Ellie. I don't change her outfit every time she spits up. I don't take her to the doctor for every sniffle or rash. I don't wash her hair every night. I'm scared to clip her toenails and I bite off her fingernails. I don't wash my hands enough. There's a lot of stuff I don't do. But I'm a good parent.
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