I'll be honest...I haven't written much because well...I've felt great! We are going to the doctor right now every other week and each time we get good news. I get shots each week that give me a sense of control that is totally fake but feels good. I am currently 22.5 weeks along and 24 weeks is the point of viability...when you're this close it's hard not to feel optimistic!
So here I am. Going about my merry way doing my merry business. Not thinking about or worrying about much of anything. Until I saw a beautiful and heart wrenching photo a friend shared. Her baby was stillborn at 8 months and his headstone just came in, the picture was of his beautiful grave. I fell apart. Both for her and for me. Because ignoring reality isn't the same thing as dealing with it. Fake trust in God isn't trust at all. And I've been faking it lately.
Instead of looking reality in the face and saying, "knowing all of this I choose to trust You Father." I've looked at mirages of security and applauded my obvious growth and faith. What foolishness.
Today I was reading in Romans 4 and it talks about how Abraham continued to hope and have faith in God even while acknowledging that Sarah (his wife) was old and he older and the chances of a child, without a miracle, were impossible. Abraham looked at reality and trusted. That's real faith. That's real trust.
The reality of our situation (and yours too by the way) is that it hurts. It hurts so bad. I called Matt immediately after seeing the picture, crying of course, and told him it just reminded me how much I really do want this baby! I want to meet him here on earth SO badly. This is a deeper more gut-wrenching pain than anything I've ever experienced. Suddenly I didn't want to pray, Your will be done God. I wanted to pray, save my baby!! PLEASE.
But that's the difference between faking it and the real McCoy. Faking it doesn't really bring out much emotion in us. It doesn't really require much. Just stuff your emotions down into a place you can't find and pretend like the whole world is great! And it'll look very "mature". People will admire how well you're handling this situation and how much you're clearly trusting God.
But when you really trust God...it hurts. It means I'm actually taking all of my hopes and dreams of this child and pouring them into God's capable hands. Now, with real trust also comes real peace. But it still hurts. I want my baby. I want him so badly. I love him so much and the thought of not having him just...hurts. BUT, when I'm not faking it, when I'm really trusting God I also can look at this enormous sorrow and say with confidence, my God can redeem this. He can take these circumstances and make them good somehow. And that gives me such peace...something I cannot experience when I'm faking it.
Faking it is easier. It's simpler. It's less painful. In the short run. Trusting is harder. It requires a constant surrender...like every 5 minutes I have to put my trust back in God because I've already tried to take it back. Trusting hurts...it doesn't allow me to ignore the feelings and emotions and reality of what we face. But trusting brings peace. A peace that passes understanding.
So, I'm back to trusting God. I'm back to hurting and acknowledging I have no control over this situation no matter how many shots I get. And you know what? It feels restful and peaceful...it feels like home.
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