Compari-sin

I have been affectionately dubbed, "The World's Slowest Eater" by friends and family alike. There might be some truth to the name...I can't help it. I enjoy food too much! Matt has accused me of thinking about food, good food mind you, a little too much. Guilty.  I have been known to dream of key lime pie or a really good cup of coffee. And once it arrives I have to savor every bite.  The fact that I talk a lot doesn't really help my cause though. Either way, it's normal for me to still be eating while everyone around me is finished.

Interestingly, I don't just do this with food. I also like to take my time and mull over ideas and challenges I might be facing. Some call it over thinking...I like to call it doing an in depth analysis :)  Matt did a series this past summer on comparison...and you guessed it, ever since then I've been mulling over this whole concept and am not even finished yet! I started on what I thought was a simple, straight forward journey only to discover myself like Alice tumbling down a rabbit hole.

Comparison is so completely ingrained into our brains that unless you really spend sometime paying attention to it, you may not realize how often it occurs. Facebook is jam packed full of comparison opportunities!  Friend A is on vacation in Florida. Friend B just bought a new car. Friend C is having awesome quiet times with God. Friend D is pregnant. Friend E is losing weight. Friend F (who is really more of an acquaintance) has the coolest selfies ever!! How does she do that?!

The bottom line of the series Matt did was, "There is no win in comparison.". Brilliant. Convicting, but brilliant just the same. See, whether we mean to or not, when we start comparing someone loses. Either you decide that you win (your vacation is in fact cooler, your selfie is better and you are winning!) so the other person loses. OR, you decide that you lose (your life is just not as cool as theirs). You are either creating pride in yourself or insecurity. But either way, you lose.

As I became increasingly aware of my comparison crutch I realized how often my mood depended on my "rank". Weight is a great example. In January Matt and I made the decision to stop eating processed foods on the whole. We still eat them some, don't judge us. Take out the sugar and take out the dairy and voila! Weight starts falling off. Hooray, I think! I'm pumped that I'm sticking to our new commitment to healthier foods, I'm proud of myself for making this change, even though it isn't easy and yes, I'm psyched to be dropping poundage. That is until a friend tells me how much weight she's lost. And it's more than me. Wah-wah-waaaah!!! Suddenly, the air goes out of my balloon. I compared and I lost.

I'll give you another example. Pregnancy for me was, with both children, hard. With Ellie, we just didn't know anything about the uterus she was in and whether it would carry well or not. With James, we knew the uterus he was in was small and that there was a high likelihood of him being very premature and possibly not surviving. I always wanted the fun, relaxing pregnancy I thought others had. I wanted it to be a joyful time of celebration not a stressful time of learning to trust God and grow. But it was. And, just for the record, now I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now being the key word. Then? Not so much. I watched other women have these normal pregnancies, normal babies, normal adjustment periods to bringing babies home and I would get so angry that I couldn't have that experience. I compared and I lost.

*Sigh* See, comparison leads to sin. Always. It leads to jealousy. It leads to resentment. It leads to discontentment. It leads to pride. It leads to insecurity. It leads to so many yucky, hard to pull out sins. And it is SO sneaky!!  I saw an article the other day about celebrities DE-photoshopped. One of those, here they are all magazine perfect and here they are really (complete with cellulite, or saggy skin or less than perfect breasts, whatever).  I read it and without realizing it I found myself thinking, "See? They're no better than me! They just have photoshop!". That's what comparison does, it brings the other person down so I can feel superior...or at least equal. 

So, what's the answer? It's really quite simple, but notice I did not say easy. Those are two very different things. I actually learned the solution from my non-verbal communications professor at SIUC. He said one of the biggest mistakes we make is to think in terms of 'either/or'. The answer is either A or B. I am either better or worse. You get the idea. Instead he suggested that we think in terms of BOTH. 

She is beautiful. I am beautiful. We are both beautiful.

She chose to return to work post baby. I chose to stay home post baby. We are both good mommies.

She runs 4 miles a day. I walk around the block. We are both trying to be healthy.

She is smart. I am smart. We are both smart.

See, your accomplishments don't have to diminish another person. And their accomplishments don't have to diminish you.  They can be more organized than you are without you being less than them. You can be more ambitious than they are without them being less than you. So you have a college degree and they didn't finish high school. Big deal, you're both still good, smart, capable people. She paints her nails and loves getting dolled up and you rarely venture out of your pajamas. So what? You're both still amazing women. You like sports and she doesn't. Okay. Good for both of you! 

God made us each to be unique and distinct, not carbon copies of each other. And that's what comparing brings us down to. Comparing assumes that there is a right way and wrong way to be. And there just isn't. Italian food isn't better than Mexican food. Running isn't better than kickboxing. Blue isn't better than green. Coffee isn't better than tea. We are what we are and we are all good. Celebrate it! Celebrate you, celebrate them, just have a big 'ole party up in here!

Next time you find yourself pulling rank on another person, stop. You are both of great value. In fact, Jesus taught that you are so valuable (each and every person!) that God sent his one and only Son to die on the cross for you. For me. All so we could have a relationship with our Creator. God isn't comparing you to anyone because He only ever created you to be you. So...BE YOU...it's one comparison you're guaranteed to win every time ;)

If you're melancholy and you know it clap your hands (although you probably won't because that calls way too much attention to yourself)!

I have not posted in what feels like forever. Mostly because every time I would go to write something I would remember that I had promised posts on personalities and then I would get into a "I'm such a bad blogger" funk that I would then continue to not write. Ever been there? Maybe not in terms of a blog but as a friend, a wife/husband, a sister/brother, mom/dad, student...it could be a long list. It's that moment when our minds become our prison and we are paralyzed by our bad-ness so we continue to do nothing. Some of you aren't wired that way so you're sitting there thinking, "Oh for Pete's sake! Just DO something!". Others are already drudging up every moment in your life where you felt overwhelmed with failure. It's all in how you're programmed, I suppose that's why I love learning about how God wired us.

Every personality has it's struggles. No one "type" is better than another and each person has their own mental prison. It looks different for everyone. But here's what I know, God did not intend for any of us to have to live in that mental prison. He did not intend for there to be relational conflict caused by our differences. That's all something that happened when sin entered the world. Which sucks but since it's reality the best thing we can do is work to continually understand each other. We won't always agree...after all understanding is not synonymous with agreement. But it does cultivate respect for each other, love for each other and most definitely peace within ourselves.  It allows us to take off the victim hat (I must have done something or be something wrong for them to have responded that way) and be secure in ourselves knowing their response has nothing to do with us, it has to do with them.

Most people are a blend of 2 personalities but we are going to kick off with the individual types and then we'll get to blends later. We're going to start with the melancholy personality.  I should issue a warning though...no one likes to be placed in a box but melancholy's especially don't like it. So, if you're reading this and you're already offended that I would even try to place you into a group without even knowing you (keeping in mind that you would probably say no one really knows you)...you're probably a melancholy :)

The title melancholy is a little misleading.  It sounds so...down. But the reality is that the name melancholy actually references your deep emotions. Whether you express them or not you feel a lot.  As you'll find with all personalities your greatest gift can also be your greatest enemy.  Your ability to feel things deeply makes you incredibly gifted at empathy.  If you aren't careful, a little too good at empathy. When a friend suffers a loss, your empathy can be a tremendous gift to your friend...but when you start acting as though you suffered the loss...well you can see how it can be taking things a little too far!

When those emotions take control you can't even watch the evening news without walking away in a funk. The question is always, who is in control here? When you control your emotions, your ability to connect with feelings is beautiful. When your emotions control you, it's hard to function.  You are at the mercy of your whims...up for a period of time and then crashing for a period of time. You can't move beyond relational conflict, no one "understands" you, martyrdom is in full force.  Forget forgiveness! You mentally (and probably to all your friends) rehash that argument, that action, that whatever over and over and over again, reliving the hurt. You may say you want to move forward but you keep talking about it. And in some ways, it feels good. The pain is almost like an old friend that comforts you. Move on? Let that person get away with that? Clearly you don't understand the depth of the pain they inflicted! They hurt me! Truly forgiveness is difficult for melancholies.

So, we know now that you feel deeply in a way that can be a great blessing...or a curse, all depending on how you use it. What else do we know? Melancholies are very meticulous and generally a perfectionist. This looks different though for the two different types of melancholies. Some are outwardly organized and some are inwardly organized.

The outwardly meticulous melancholy is probably an accountant or some other equally detailed job. They love order and routine. They believe there is a right way and a wrong way to do things therefore how you do something matters (because it's either right or wrong). They may iron their jeans. They need a clean space to function well.

The inwardly meticulous melancholy is probably an artist or a musician or something truly creative. They may look messy and not put together at all but in their mind they have every detail worked out. It's what allows an artist to paint or draw so well...they've already planned out every step of how to get to the finished product. They have a process, a routine, an order that makes total sense to them even if it doesn't to anyone else. They do things a certain way because they believe it is the right way (even if only for themselves).

A melancholy does not produce shoddy work. They may take a long time to get something done (because it has to be just right) but you can count on a quality product when finished.  If for some reason they do submit something below standards you can be guaranteed they are frustrated/angry that they did. Although they probably won't tell you that because melancholies generally think and feel much more than they speak. 

As you can imagine, the burden to always be perfect or right can be a tough one to carry. So, melancholies can seem overly serious and have a hard time lightening up. But they appreciate the beauty of the world like no one else. Nature, art, music, a good book...these things all carry so much more meaning to a melancholy.

Ever seen the movie City of Angels with Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan? There is a scene where all the "angels" gather at the ocean at sun rise because they hear the most beautiful music with every sun rise. Melancholies are like that. The level of appreciation they feel for nature (like a sunrise) or for a painting or a good song or a brilliant novel is unmatched. 

Here are the cliff notes on our friends the beautiful melancholy:

At their best a melancholy is...

- Empathetic

- Organized

- Striving for excellence

- Appreciative

At their worst a melancholy is...

- Easily depressed

- Nit picky

- Perfectionist

-Unforgiving

*Please note, all references to "depression" are not referring to the medical condition, rather they are describing a temporary emotional state.