When Matt and I found out we were pregnant with Ellie one of the first things we started discussing were the values we wanted to instill in her. I had read a book a long time ago (before Matt and I ever dated long ago) and it discussed how each family has values whether they're aware of it or not. As I thought about it I realized how true that was! Even though I don't remember my parents ever specifically saying, "Okay kids here are the rules we live by" they still communicated what we valued simply by how they made their decisions, distributed their time and money, and just lived their lives.
An organization called ReThink has mainstreamed this whole idea of parenting with the end in mind. It's a strategy we utilize at The Journey and it's founder, Reggie Joiner, has written several books and I've heard him speak at conferences before. What he says makes sense to me. We want to be intentional with how we raise Ellie so we've put a strategy in place that includes determining our values now so we can focus on it now...it's like giving us a parenting framework. Anyway, Reggie explains it a lot better than me so if you're intrigued you should purchase his books (you can get them on Amazon)...I would start with Parenting Beyond Your Capacity: Connect Your Family to a Wider Community.
Moving forward. So each day I try to connect the dots for Ellie between our values and the choices we're making. Keeping in mind she's 4 months and 1 week old so...I can't say much is sinking in at this point! Really, at this time, the discussions and dot connecting are for me not her so that later when she's watching me I've already made sure I'm aligning the way I live with the way I say I want to live.
We pinpointed 5 values but the one I've been thinking about a lot today is GENEROSITY. I made these designs to hang on her walls in her bedroom.
Generosity to me is a pretty big deal. I want to be a generous person and I hope that Ellie will grow to be a generous person as well. Generous with love...with forgiveness...with her time and money...with her talents and skills...with everything!
Here's where I've really been thinking a lot today. It sounds so easy to be generous with love but the more I thought about it the more I realized how truly stingy I can be. From somewhere in the recesses of my mind I brought up a scene from the movie The Patriot. It's toward the end of the movie and Mel Gibson's character is about to leave his family and head back into battle with the British. His youngest daughter hasn't talked since his wife died and he's begging her to say something before he leaves. She refuses and as he's walking away it's like a dam bursts and suddenly she can't hold back any longer. She runs after him screaming, they embrace and the tears just come pouring out...from me not them!
That scene tears me apart every time! But it's a really great illustration of what we, okay I, so often do. Sometimes the people I love the most (Matt & Ellie) provoke such a strong emotional response from me. Just like the little girl it feels safer to just withhold those strong sentiments hoping to avoid being hurt or rejected perhaps. Or maybe I just feel silly being so emotionally attached. I hear the garage door open signaling Matt is home and my initial reaction is to do a slow-motion sprint into his arms like you see in the movies because I've missed him so much. But then he walks in the door and suddenly I feel silly so I just say, "How was your day?".
I felt this play out yesterday which is probably why it's on my mind today a lot. Yesterday my father-in-law had open heart surgery. The family was with him in his room before they took him back for the operation and I felt very emotional. Not because I was worried or scared that he wouldn't be okay but just because when someone you love is about to endure something that painful it just brings out the emotions! The nurse came in to get him and I had this strong desire to hug him and tell him I loved him one more time. But there was this immediate push back. Again, what if I looked foolish? Or what if the family thought I was being an over emotional sap? So I found myself tempted to withhold that display of love.
I'm grateful at the last minute I worked up the courage to tell him I loved him and give him a hug before I left the room but that struggle was very real! Being generous with love is very VULNERABLE and that's what can make living it out hard. I need to continually be aware of this tension and be intentional about choosing love, not just for Ellie's sake but for mine too.
I'll tell you about our other values some other time for now, this one has given me plenty to think about!
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