The missing piece...

Well, the past 2 days I've walked you through my personal strategy for goal setting in the new year and shared two very important questions you need to ask when determining your goals. Today, I want to give you one last piece of the puzzle that will hopefully make it all come together.

One of the things I love about a new year is that it feels like a fresh start. I'm one of those people who feels very attached to natural boundaries. What I mean is I love the naturally occuring start/stop points that exist. For example: Monday is the start of the week, so Monday is usually when I implement a larger change like starting a new exercise plan or routine for the kiddos. The same is true for the first of the month or the start of a new season. I don't know why but I love the feeling of starting new on those dates. So naturally the start of a new year is my favorite!

Here's the problem with a new year though. We all have a tendency to focus on the new things we want to do and forget that a huge part of our new year should include asking the question:

WHAT DO I NEED TO STOP DOING IN 2015?

At the end of the day you can't just keep adding more and more stuff. You'll be miserable. Maybe your 2015 goals need to be about dropping the good stuff so you can pick up the best stuff. Maybe your focus should be clearing out room for you to breathe and enjoy life a little more. Start by listing your priorities and then look at your calendar. Mark off the things that are preventing you from living the values you claim are important to you.  

Sure that book club is fun but is it keeping you from saying yes to something better? The money is nice but is the overtime at work really worth more than the family time you're sacrificing to get it?  I know having all the new technology and gadgets is fun but is it worth the strain it puts on you financially? 

What do you look back on in 2014 and think, "That was dumb. Why did I do that?"?  Why not make 2015 the year you don't do that again. You don't get into more debt. You don't invest in the wrong relationship. You don't treat work like the most important thing. You don't continue to be jealous. 

What do you need to stop doing in 2015? In order to accomplish what God wants for you this year you need to start by stopping.

The questions worth asking!

Yesterday I shared with you about goals for the new year and later I was telling Matt about how easy it is for me to get on a roll and just set a million goals. I like dreaming what can I say ;) It was then that I realized that I hadn't shared with all of you how I determine what goals to pursue and what goals to put aside. So that's what I want to do today.

I've heard some people say that they don't want to set any goals for the future because they just want to see God's plan come to fruition in their lives. On the front end that sounds like a really "mature" thing to say. But I think when you look at scripture you'll see that God is all about the organization and planning. So how do we balance God's clear example of order and planning with our desire for control (which can often be what all our planning is about)? Great question!

I think there is absolutely a way to set goals that is God honoring and productive at the same time. For me I simply ask two questions:

1. What will bring me closer to God?

2. What will bring me closer to my family?

I filter all of my dreams through these two questions. Then I spend time asking God what he wants me to pursue for this next year. Each of my final goals answers one of these two questions. Continuing to pursue a healthy lifestyle answers both: Choosing to turn to God for strength or comfort instead of food absolutely pulls me closer to him. Taking care of my body allows me to be there for my family in the future and be more fully present with them now. The same is true to continuing to exercise and trying to take care of myself more. These three things will ultimately bring me closer to God and closer to my family.  So I know it's safe, and wise to pursue them.

Now, that being said all goals or dreams or plans are made in sand. What I mean is that I can't rely on these goals to be my guarantee for the next year. Only God knows what the future holds so I can't ignore an opportunity from him simply because it doesn't fit into my strategy for this year! So I set goals that I believe God wants me to pursue and I continue to look to him throughout the year. If he says let 'em go guess what? I let 'em go! Only you know if your goals are an attempt to honor God or an attempt to control your life. Make sure you're seeking to honor him. 

So, what can you do in 2015 to help you draw closer to God and to the people around you? Those are plans worth making and keeping!

Getting ready for the new year!

I can't believe we're just days away from 2015! On one hand I'm excited for a new year and a fresh start. On the other I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of 2014. Something I've always loved to do is dream about the new year and the different things I want to see happen in it. But over the years I've learned how to take those day dreams and turn them into a reality (at least most of the time!). 

One of the biggest mistakes I used to make was setting 423 goals. I'd get going on dreaming of all the things I wanted to see happen and before I knew it I was trying to implement too many new routines and activities and I'd be done by January 7th! Or I'd set unrealistic goals...I'm going to exercise for 2 hours 7 days a week. I'm going to memorize a bible verse a day. By day 2 I'd already failed! LOL!

So, what do I try and do now that's more successful? 4 simple steps:

1. Reflect on my previous year and celebrate the wins I had! Then determine which of those things I should continue moving forward.

2. Pick 2-3 goals or dreams I'd like to accomplish in the next year. Please don't give yourself 10 life changes, it's just too much. Realistically anything over 3 is headed toward failure, it's just too much!

3. Make a plan for how to achieve each of those goals. Figure out what the obstacles would be for you and that goal then make plans to eliminate them. Your goal is to exercise twice a week after work. Great goal! What are the obstacles? Having the right clothes? Remembering your bag? Not knowing what to do when you arrive at the gym? Cooking dinner after exercising? Figure it out ahead of time and make a plan. Pack your bag the night before and put it in the car. Make crockpot meals for dinner the days you work out. Choose a class to attend before exercise day arrives. You get the picture :)

4. Build accountability. Make someone (or even several someone's) aware of your goals and your plans to reach them. Ask them to join you or check in with you periodically to keep you on track, encourage you and challenge you. Our chances of success increase dramatically when we have someone holding us accountable. So set yourself up for success! If getting your finances in order is a goal find someone who is willing to sit down and go over them with you periodically. Ask them to check with you once a month or once a week to see how you're doing! Change isn't easy but having someone on the ride with you really does help. 

What are my 2015 goals? I won't bore you with the whole 4 step process but here's a little bit of where I'm headed :)

WHAT I'LL CONTINUE IN 2015:

Last January Matt and I changed our food lifestyle by adopting The Daniel Plan as our eating guide. It has made a huge difference in our health, ALL aspects of our health (mental, physical, emotional and spiritual). So I absolutely want to continue to pursue a God-honoring approach to food. We have found that kick starting our year with a 10 day detox (no sugar, dairy or caffeine) really helps us to stay on track with our eating so that's step one so to speak. This year I discovered how easy it is to prepare healthy nourishing food on a budget and with time constraints. So, I want to continue to use the menu I developed in 2014 and add a few new dishes too :)

Another great thing I did in 2014 was earn my group fitness certification! I was super excited to begin teaching spin classes at the MSU Wellness Center and I want to continue to incorporate exercise into my life and our families lives. I love the built in accountability of teaching at the wellness, I have to show up because it's my job! LOL! I'd like to build on this a little in the upcoming year by making sure my kids are staying active too. My plan at this time is to build a family "active" time twice a week into our routine.

WHAT I HOPE TO ADD IN 2015:

1. Make ME a priority. I genuinely never believed I'd be one of those moms who neglected herself to take care of everyone else. I can be pretty self-centered left to my own devices so that just seemed impractical. And yet one of my biggest struggles this year has been reaching a point of exhaustion where I am no longer able to take care of my family in the manner I should. Let's face it, working from 5 AM till 7:30 PM seven days a week is a lot (not to mention all those nights you get "called in to work"!). It's worth it but it's some serious stuff. And it's not wise for me to refuse to take breaks and invest in myself a little more. I want to avoid the exhaustion point this year. 

One of the biggest ways I'm doing that is getting away, even if just for a night, at least once every 3 months. That may seem insignificant but it pays big dividends! I am very fortunate to have a mother who offered to Ellie/James overnight sit periodically to give me this break. That's a big way I'm trying to avoid exhaustion. Some of the smaller ways include making time to write more. Writing is totally refreshing to me, I love it! So, scheduling a time for me to blog is another small but important step. One more is making the time to do the essentials before the kids are up and needing me. For me the essentials are: shower/brush teeth, get dressed in something other than sweatpants, spend time connecting with God and drink a cup of coffee. It may seem silly to have things like showering and brushing my teeth as goals but if you have 2 kids who are 14 months apart you probably already know that stuff is a luxury! LOL!

Initially my big goal for 2015 was to be a better mom. That's when I realized I don't like myself as a mom when I'm too tired and stretched too thin to be the mom God created me to be. That's when I started to realize that investing in me, making me a priority every once in a while would be the best way to be a better mom to Ellie & James. I love those kids a lot better when I love myself too. While it may seem selfish at first, make me a priority indeed! But at the end of the day I think it'll give me the thing I want most. To love my kids as well as they deserve. To be the mommy they need. To be the wife Matt needs. I love them too much to offer them exhausted Jen (she's not very nice ;) ).

So, here's to 2015! Let the fun begin! What are your goals?

Finding my fix...

CONFESSION: Ever since my 32nd birthday in August I've been on a bit of a mission. Some might call it a silly mission and others might say it's worthwhile endeavor. Personally I started my journey as the former but, much to my surprise, have ended as the latter.  So, what pray tell is my mission? Finding something frivolous.

I can hear what you're thinking already. That has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever blogged about. And on the surface, I am with you. It seems so...frivolous? Way to be creative with the language, Johnson ;) Yet, virtually every parenting book I read, mommy blog I subscribe to, article that I save mentions this very thing over and over again. Take time for yourself. Invest in yourself. Spoil yourself. And I, perhaps like you, have read them all and rolled my eyes. How ridiculous. Don't these people realize how valuable my time is?! How little time, much less extra energy I have?! Not to mention how tight kids can make any size budget?! Ridiculous.

Then this weird thing happened. I turned 32, knew that, due to my medical abnormalities I would not be birthing any additional children, and found myself feeling completely lost. Momma Jen had almost totally taken over and Just Jen wasn't really around anymore. I was rather surprised on one hand because I had always been very adamant about being Just Jen first and Momma Jen second. But, on the other hand, it wasn't surprising at all given the past 3 years. Any woman who has had children understands that the first season of children, when they are under 2 years and very dependent on you is an intense time. There's a lot less sleeping and a lot more essential need meeting that has to happen. If you have two children 14 months apart, both with NICU stays, one whose NICU stay was 8 weeks long well...it's very okay that Momma Jen took over.

I did not feel bad about that. But I also wasn't comfortable staying there. Matt and I have always said that our goal once our children are grown and we are empty nesters is to be closer and more in love than ever before. If you put your marriage relationship on hold for 20+ years that's not going to happen. So, while we love our children, adore our children, we aren't building our existence around our children. They are an awesome part of our family but they are not the center of our family.

My realization showed me that I was starting down a path that leads to a place I know I don't want to go. So, while I felt ridiculous, I decided to take these experts advice and find something frivolous, just for me.  Every person is unique so naturally every momma who decides to embark on this kind of journey should focus on things that speak to her heart, her desires, her hobbies and her interests.  Mine personally are reading, writing and clothes. 

You'd never guess it to look at my make-up-less, yoga pant/t-shirt wearing self but underneath is a woman who truly enjoys expressing myself through my outward appearance...Matt always asks why I'm forever changing my hair and the answer is because I love using my exterior as an expression of my interior. For me it's an outlet for my creativity and artistic expression and I love playing with it! It's fun, engaging and a totally Just Jen centered hobby.

While I dabbled a little in creating some extra reading time and writing poetry at the end of the day the books I was curious to read were parenting oriented and all of my poems were about being a mom. So, for me, neither of these hobbies branched out into something just for me. That left me with clothes...and off I went! I talked with a friend whose make-up and hair knowledge I had always respected and admired and got her advice on how to update my look in those areas. She gave me some awesome suggestions that I was SO nervous to try but I now LOVE. It was a super fun adventure but a rather temporary one.

As all mothers know, having kids changing the shape of your body in all aspects. Having nursed both of my kids my waistline wasn't the only thing that had changed. So, I spent a little time investigating and investing in new undergarments that would fit and help me feel comfortable. Again, a great adventure...a little tedious! But a great investment just the same. But also a rather quick one.

That is when I decided to tackle the one area that I was most nervous about...my actual clothes. I stopped buying clothes when I was pregnant with Ellie in 2011 and truthfully anything I've bought since then either came from Wal-Mart or a garage sale/hand-me-down. No shame in that at all. But I was ready to begin investing in a style that reflected who I am. 

My problem was I never had time for a shopping trip. Plus the closest mall was 45 minutes away so add $20 in gas to the extra 2 hours of baby sitter time and it just didn't feel worth it. AND I get overwhelmed with all the choices out there in a store. I struggle to sift through everything and find the pieces that speak to me. Then I find myself hung up on cost so I wind up buying things that don't really speak to me but they were on sale or are cheap quality so I settle. Before I know it I have a closet full of clothes I don't like but feel obligated to wear and there is nothing energizing or engaging about it.

Remember, the whole point of this is to find something that you enjoy. If your frivolous stresses you out or wears you out then it's not the right thing. I continued to mull over my personal predicament when the solution arrived on Facebook one day as an ad for a personal shopping service called StitchFix. I was intrigued so I went on their website and checked it out...after some quick research I signed up and waited with baited breath.

StitchFix is an online personal stylist that selects 5 clothing items for you based on a style profile that you complete. They are shipped directly to you and you have 3 days to try on the clothing and decide if you want to keep any of it or not. They include a prepaid USPS envelope to use for returning any items you don't want to keep. You are charged $20 for a styling fee but if you keep any pieces from you box that $20 is applied toward that purchase (meaning the "styling" was free). There are all sorts of cool details that I could go on and on about but to keep it simple it was the perfect service for me.

I loved having conversations and input on clothing without having to pick the exact pieces. I loved not having to hire a babysitter or travel to a mall to shop. I loved being able pair the clothes sent with items in my closet to see if they would work before I had to buy them. I loved the convenience, the creativity...the whole process was amazing! And here's the crazy part...I didn't buy anything in my first box!

I'm sure that sounds nuts but I walked away from my first "fix" (that's what they call each shipment they send you) and was thrilled. It engaged me, reenergized me, was totally frivolous and did everything I needed to give me that Just Jen time. It cost me $20 (since I didn't buy anything). It was the best $20 I've spend in awhile. And I can't wait for my next fix to arrive.

What's the moral of this blog? For you to go on StitchFix? No. That was my fix, the thing that worked well for me based off of my interests. Yours will be different. The moral, my dear momma friend, is that you need something too. Something that will remind you of who you are aside from your children. Something that will energize and engage you. Something that ultimately will help you be a better mom but also be you. Go find your frivolous.  You'll be glad you did!

PS

IF clothing is your frivolous too and you want to check StitchFix out be sure to use my referral link below so I can earn a credit toward my next fix! It's not for everyone so please do not feel pressure to do it.

https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/4166658

The skinny on skinny...

One of the minute drawbacks of having 2 children fourteen months apart is that sometimes said children get a hold of your laptop...and tear off the "E", "Z" and CAPS LOCK buttons, resulting in a blogging drought. Today though I have decided to conquer the hard-to-type-on-keyboard but bear with me if you see misspelled words...that missing "E" key in particular is tricky ;)

For those of you who don't know this past January marked a pretty big life change for the Johnson family. We completely changed our eating habits resulting in my intentional weight loss (and Matt's not intentional weight loss!). For that reason one of the most common questions I get asked is, "How much weight have you lost?!". Truth be told, I love that question because I have worked hard to change my lifestyle to one that is healthy and God honoring, it wasn't easy so it's nice to have hard work noticed. That being said though, it's not really the right question. And this journey toward being healthy has really made me evaluate the way I look at weight and food.

Prior to January I've had my fair share of "diets". Some were for important reasons. As we neared the two year mark for trying to start our family our doctor recommended a low-carb/high protein diet (think South Beach) to potentially address some medical concerns that could be interfering with my ability to get pregnant. If there's ever a reason to lose weight that seemed pretty legit. Other attempts were made out of insecurity. Kind of a, "I don't feel good enough so maybe if I were skinnier I'd feel better" type of thing. None were successful.  My weight went up and down but never really hitting a medically problematic point until about 6 months before we found out I was pregnant with Ellie. My doctor's appointment that March was when I officially crossed over to medically "overweight".

I did my best to follow doctor's orders, was able to successfully lose a little weight and lo and behold come the end of August I was pregnant with Ellie and gaining weight was totally okay! Following Ellie's birth something wonderful happened for me health wise. She developed colic and acid reflex due to a milk protein allergy. Since I was breastfeeding helping her colic meant eliminating all dairy products. Milk, butter, cheese, ice cream...it was a long list. Fortunately her colic was bad enough that I was completely willing to give up ANYTHING to help her stop crying! 

I say this was wonderful because without something major like a screaming baby day and night I would never have given up dairy. Ever. And then I never would have seen what would happen when I did. All my baby weight and then some practically fell off! It was amazing!! When I got pregnant with James 8 1/2 months later I was 10 lbs. lighter than before I got pregnant in the first place. It wet my appetite so to speak.

Fast forward to post-James...I'm 6 months postpartum and not feeling so great about my weight progress. What fell off before was hugging all the wrong places. And that was when Matt brought me a book by Rick Warren called The Daniel Plan. It's a really long story but let's just say I was resistant at first. WAY too many vegetables! I hate vegetables. ALL vegetables. And besides that I truly didn't believe that I ate unhealthy. I wasn't perfect but I'd calorie counted before and knew I didn't consume a huge amount. And yes, I felt sluggish and tired and disengaged but I had two kids under 2 years of age. I think tired is to be expected! But this was one of those instances where Matt asked me to trust him and I chose to follow his leadership. That was a good choice.

As we started the Daniel Plan something huge happened to me. Yes, I lost weight. But that was a little footnote in the story. In the midst of this plan I discovered the biggest lie I'd ever told myself, that I think a lot of us tell ourselves. The lie:

SKINNY = HEALTHY

I thought that as long as the number on the scale reflected a small number then I was "healthy". Physically healthy. Emotionally healthy. Mentally healthy. Spiritually healthy. And that is a lie. Skinny is a genetic predisposition and not an accurate reflection of health. 

I could probably spend forever analyzing where this mentality comes from but in a nutshell I place a lot of blame on media and marketing. Hollywood and the likes has to make us believe that we can all be skinny like the movie stars or else the whole diet industry goes under. 

If our general body type is genetically predetermined and that means some of us will never qualify for the marketing ideal size 2 then we have no use for the diet pill, the next big piece of home gym equipment, the premade/shipped straight to you meals. Acknowledging "skinny" isn't possible for everyone frees us. It changes the standard from all these other people to just ourselves. The only comparison worth making is between me, myself and I. Be the best you absolutely! But don't bother trying to be the best "them".

The Daniel  Plan showed me that I was unhealthy regardless of whether I weighed 115 lbs. or 140 lbs. because healthy wasn't defined by a number. It was defined by what I consumed, why I consumed it and how I consumed it. If you're like me that's a HUGE mental adjustment!!  It also exposed how unhealthy I was in other areas. Again, if skinny = healthy then what I eat, why I eat or how I eat is irrelevant. All that matters are those digits on the scale. 

The first 2 weeks were brutal as we started with the recommended 10 day detox; no dairy, no sugar, no caffeine. Break your body's dependency on unhealthy habits by going cold turkey. It's a very regimented 10 days, very little flexibility and a LOT of vegetables. I remember on about day 4 feeling my arms weighed a million pounds and barely having the energy to move as my body learned how to readjust my insulin levels without outside assistance from sugar. I remember calling my mom telling her I was going to go into Wal-Mart and buy a snickers if she didn't talk me off the ledge. I was not joking. Does that sound like a mentally healthy person? Emotionally healthy? Spiritually healthy? It doesn't to me either.

Without even realizing it I had allowed food to be my everything. Having a tough day emotionally? Don't deal with it, don't fix it so you are emotionally healthy just eat something that makes you feel temporarily happy (cake icing out of the jar was a favorite). Struggling with a decision, or to find your self worth or with a relationship? Don't turn to God asking for his guidance, his wisdom, his reassurance in your value as a person. Just order a pizza and dissolve your struggles in grease.  Tired at work and unable to focus? Don't use discipline to develop mental toughness just grab a sugar and caffeine packed drink to give you a boost.

See what I mean about this lie? It affects so much more than just your physical health! And I had no idea. I was blindsided with how difficult it was to address all these other areas. Which was something I loved about the Daniel Plan. They didn't just talk about eating healthy. They understood what I was only just learning, that true health isn't just about what you eat, it's about why you eat and how you eat.  They specifically addressed finding emotional, mental, spiritual and relational health.

I wish I could say that post 10 day detox I was a new woman but becoming healthy, truly healthy in all areas, isn't a 10 day process. I did feel better. And following the Daniel Plan eating guide post detox was surprisingly easy. We settled into a routine and stuck to it. I did and still do at times, face continuing challenges with making the healthy choice over the easy choice. Some days I stuff down my emotions and eat the french fries or the large white chocolate turtle coffee. But more days I don't. More days I handle my fatigue with prayers for strength. More days I handle those hurt feelings with perspective and self-awareness.

About five months into the Daniel Plan I had a big moment. The Daniel Plan recommends following the eating guidelines 90% of the time which equals out to 2 "free" meals and 1 "free" snack.  I was excited to get a doughnut from the local doughnut shop, trying to decide if a doughnut counted as a snack or a meal. I savored my sour cream doughnut and that's when it happened. Within 10 minutes of eating it I actually felt different. Sluggish. Tired. Foggy. For the first time I felt the effect of sugar on my now healthy body. I remember I actually called my best friend and told her how excited I was to feel like crap! For months others on this journey with me talked about how unhealthy foods didn't even taste good...but they still tasted good to me! That moment turned the page for me on healthy eating. It was like a switch clicked and suddenly I could feel a difference between how I felt making wise food choices, being healthy (in all areas) vs. how I used to feel. I realized I DO have more energy, I DO feel better.

Does this mean I never eat sugar/caffeine/dairy? Nope. There are still occasions where I enjoy all of those things. After all I still enjoy food. I just don't live for food. Food doesn't control me. Even better a number on the scale doesn't determine if I feel good about myself. I started the Daniel Plan weighing myself regularly because I still didn't get it. I still though skinny = healthy. But I noticed something. I always felt great about my weight loss until I heard that someone else lost more. Then I felt like crap again. I let a little scale tell me how much I was worth. One day I got fed up with that. So I put the scale away. Literally. And I stopped weighing myself. And I started to feel better. A lot better. 

I evaluated how healthy I was based on the choices I had made each day. Did I choose foods that would help make me stronger? Did I deal with my emotions rather than eating? Did I turn to God for help instead of food?  Did I lead a disciplined life focused on my values? I wasn't perfect, still aren't by the way. But these questions lead me to an intentional life. One that I reflect back on with pride. One that I enjoy living. One that makes me stronger. It's awesome really.

Here's the thing. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are just like me. You're reading this and while it sounds good you're thinking, "I don't eat that unhealthy." or "I don't want to be a health nut." or any number of other reasons why you're willing to walk away and say, "Good for you. Not for me.". Listen, I know. Maybe there's a way to "get it" without living it but I know for me there just wasn't. I just couldn't understand until I did it...for a while. Remember. It took me a solid 5-6 months before this really clicked. Until then I had to just keep acting on faith. In fact, the only way I was able to start this journey was on an act of faith.

Matt could see what I couldn't. He could see that as a family we needed to be healthy, again I can't emphasize enough not just healthy with our food choices but healthy emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He could see that I needed to be healthy. I couldn't. I could have told him no. He's an awesome leader for our family which means he does not play dictator so I could have said no way and he would have honored that. But I trust Matt. And I trust his judgement. So, in January of 2014 I stepped out in faith, trusted the man I chose to follow for the rest of my life and made the choice to pursue healthy. And I am so glad I did.

I know you may not see it. I know you may qualify as "skinny" and it's hard to accept that you're may be just as unhealthy as an obese person. I know that you may think you eat in a healthy enough manner. I know you don't know what you don't know. But I'm asking you to take a step of faith. To trust someone who has been there.  Does it really matter? I didn't think so but I was wrong. You might be too. It won't be easy. It won't be fast. It will be worth it.

"How much weight have you lost?" is a good question, like I said before it's nice to have hard work noticed! But maybe a more accurate question would be, "How much have you gained?" because I guarantee I've gained a lot more than I lost!

Thanks L'Oreal, it's a great tag line!

I have an unspoken rule when it comes to answering queries about being a parent. I decided a long time ago that I was going to be honest... gut wrenching, dead honest. I felt like in my childless days most people I talked to about having kids really romanticized the idea. They talked about how awesome it was to see this little person walking around with his eyes and her nose. About how much they loved being a mom or a dad, about how your life wasn't complete until you had a kid (whether you knew it was incomplete before or not varied). Then they'd usually throw out one small caveat, "You'll be tired but..." or "It's hard but...", just this one little hardship in parenting couched in otherwise awesome, amazing experiences.

Then I had a kid. And I distinctly remember thinking, "What is wrong with me that I am not awed, amazed or inspired by this experience thus far?". I don't begrudge those who would romanticize the whole having a baby/toddler experience. I get it...if you told the truth people  might never have kids! Technically the future of the human race depends on these rose-colored glasses. But while I understood the necessity of these white lies I decided that perpetuating these fables wasn't for me.

So, I started being honest. I blogged my honest feelings and thoughts and struggles too. I had conversations with people that didn't hide the hardship that accompanies being a parent. I didn't just say I was tired...I said I was exhausted and ready to curl up into the fetal position and cry. I gave voice to my frustrations with routines and losing all freedom and individuality to a six pound, twenty pound and now 25 pound tyrant. I shared about how getting a shower every other day was a huge accomplishment, how all my shirts are stretched out from little fingers pulling and tugging, how I haven't peed in privacy in who knows how long...the list could go on and on!

What I discovered was that by being authentic about my mommy identity crisis I actually encouraged other new moms. We all thought we were broken for struggling and turns out...we all struggle. I love that. I love that we can encourage each other and cry with each other and hug each other. While initially insecurity surfaced from being a new mom I quickly found solidarity with other moms who were experiencing the exact same thing. And that gave me confidence, it absolutely helped me be a better mom.  

The struggle lie with the people who might look at that honest and view it as complaining. Finding a balance was hard and I really wanted to get it right and articulate it well.  That's when it hit me. Analogy time: Let's say that you were once 450 lbs. and you worked your tail off to lose 300 lbs. CONGRATULATIONS! Talk about a huge deal! Would you walk around telling people, "It was so easy!"? Of course not. Because 1. it wasn't easy, you had to work your booty off and 2. because that would devalue your accomplishment. 

Draw the parallel with me people.  Having kids is not easy. It's hard, hard, HARD work. And I'm 100% okay letting you know how difficult it is because my kids are worth it. They are worth every sleepless night. Every snotty nose wiped on my shirt, in my hair, on my face. They are worth every poopy diaper, every extra expense that ruins the budget. They are worth every ruined piece of clothing, every please-let-me-curl-up-into-the-fetal-position-and-cry moment. Every shower-less day. Every I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-ate-a-full-meal second. Every if-I-don't-get-to-have-an-adult-conversation-for-two-seconds-I-will-scream. Every struggle. Every battle. Every worry, every anxiety. WORTH IT. 

So, no. I'm not going to downplay how hard being a mommy is. I value my kids too much to do that. I love them too much to pretend like it's easy or that I always have it under control or that I know what to do every second of every day. It's not and I don't. And they are worth every second. 

Now, I could end here. Good pep-talk Jen! But I'm not finished.  As I was thinking about how high the price is to be a parent and about how that demonstrates the value of my children to me I started thinking about God.  Have you ever found yourself downplaying the sacrifice that God made for us in sending His son (His one and only) to die for us? I have. Or maybe you just downplay how desperately we needed His sacrifice. I've done that too.

I mean, I'm not that big of a sinner. Sure, I struggle with pride and jealousy and anger and lying and a slew of other heart issues but I'm not a murderer or anything. I could be a lot worse. Jesus really came to die for those super bad people. Know what? If you really want to know how deeply God loves you, understand the magnitude, the impact, of your sins. Jesus' death on the cross was exceptionally painful. His separation from God so that we could connect with God was almost unbearable. But He did it. For you. Because, to God, you are worth it. Worth every drop of blood, every painful moment. Worth it. If that doesn't leave you a little awed...I don't know what will.

Now, Ellie and James aren't worth it to me because of all the stuff they do for me. As cute as they are I loved them when they couldn't do anything, literally, on their own. Their actions don't cause me to love them more...or less. That's because my love isn't based on their behavior. Similarly, God doesn't love us because of what we can do for Him. Nothing you do can ever make Him love you more. Thankfully, it works the opposite way too! God's love doesn't change or disappear because of the mistakes we've made either. We are valuable to God because God chose us to love. And His sacrifice illustrates perfectly how "worth it" you are to Him. 

These faces...

 

 WORTH.

IT.

God thinks you are too.

Cheering for the good guys!

A friend works with assessing and assisting the development of children and I recently had the privilege of having her in our home to play with James and Ellie, have them assessed and see how they are developing. I honestly wasn't sure what to expect but it impacted me in a way I did not anticipate.

In our short time together Amy identified and complimented me on several specific things she thought I was doing great at as a mom. I'll be honest, 9 out of 10 days I feel like I'm doing nothing great as a mom! So to have her take a look inside our day to day lives and walk away saying, "Good job mom!" made me feel like a million bucks. Since those playdates I have felt more competent and confident as a mother. All because one person took a little time and invested in me.

That got me thinking. Amy's words were like water to a parched traveler, it was so refreshing and energizing to be affirmed as "mommy" and I bet that's true for a lot of  beginner moms. I found myself thinking, I wonder if my words could offer that kind of encouragement to a new mom. The more I thought about it the more I realized that we all have the power to make a new mom feel like supermom...we just don't probably think about it or maybe we just don't communicate it in a way that is obvious to the other person.

As my kids grow older I already find myself falling into unhelpful habits. When a new mom talks about her struggle with getting baby to sleep I grab the cliched, "We've all been there!" or maybe a "That's life as a mom!" instead of saying, "That's a tough situation but you are handling it great! You are doing an awesome job!". Encouraging new mom isn't complicated, it just requires a little intentionality.  Lest I forget what it is like to be a new mom I decided to make a list of things you can do to help new mom feel encouraged and competent.

1. Let your only comment be a compliment. The more specific the better. Skip over the explanation of why you would never let your child do that. Don't ask if new mom was aware that their baby has a runny nose. Definitely don't ask if new mom knows that the poorest quality of vegetables are what is used to make baby food or that her adorable crib bumper is going to suffocate the baby. I know you think that child is so ridiculously spoiled but instead just smile and say (sincerely, please), "She sure does love her momma! You must be doing a pretty amazing job for her to be so content with you."  You've never seen such a rotund baby? "You are doing a great job making sure he gets enough nutrition! I know it's not easy to breastfeed, good for you!"

2. Treat new mom like an expert mom. You've raised 5 kids of your own and a dozen grandbabies. You know how to feed a baby a bottle or swaddle them or do anything else. But, nothing makes new mom feel competent faster than when you ask for their help. I remember being at an event with several veteran moms and one asked to feed Ellie her bottle. Now, Ellie had severe colic plus acid reflux and there was a certain "way" to feed her per the doctor. I handed her over and began to give instruction on how to give her bottle and was promptly told, in a teasing way, that veteran mom knows how to feed a baby. What did that communicate? I definitely didn't walk away feeling competent. I felt foolish. It won't kill you to ask new mom, "Is this how you swaddle her?" or, "He's being a little fussy, what do you think I should do?". I know that you know what to do. But when you treat new mom like an expert mom her confidence grows.

3. Keep including new mom. Listen, a new mom has a million huge changes thrown at her at once. Two of the hardest ones being a loss of freedom and identity. I know that you are thinking I don't want to bother her by asking if she wants to do XYZ. But she needs you to ask her to do XYZ! She may say no even, but just knowing that she is still valued as a friend, a sister, a daughter, a daughter-in-law whatever is so important! Asking new mom to go to lunch with 2 kids in tow may seem like it would be too much trouble but doing so communicates, "You still matter to me. I know a huge part of your identity has been taken over by "mom" but I still care about you and love you as a person.". Don't be afraid to accommodate the fact that new mom now has kids! My friend Makenzie asks us each week to a picnic lunch at the park. Ellie plays on the slide, I get to feel like a person...everyone wins!

4.  Respect new moms knowledge. New mom may not have successfully raised 3 kids but they know their child...after all, they're with them 24/7! If they ask you to do something don't assume you know better and ignore it. Respect new moms knowledge and follow through on whatever the request was. Joyce was one of Ellie's caretakers at our church. I can't put into words what an enormous impact she had on both Ellie and myself. Why? Because she listened to me and respected my knowledge of Ellie. Joyce understood that Ellie had a very particular temperament. She didn't argue with me about whether I was right or not. She didn't nod her head and as soon as I was gone ignore what I had said. She didn't say, "She'll stop crying eventually.". She respected me as new mom and the knowledge I had of Ellie and her needs which went a long way in building my confidence. To date Joyce is still one of the people I seek out regularly for advice, she respected my knowledge early on and now she has my utmost respect and trust.

5. Never judge new mom. When Ellie was first born she came home for 2 days and then was admitted to the NICU for high jaundice levels. I still remember the moment we got the phone call. Matt and I were at Sam's Club getting groceries...we left a cartful of groceries sitting in aisle 3 as we rushed to Western Baptist. For 3 days she stayed under the super lights before being allowed back home to continue light therapy. It was a Saturday night and she screamed and cried the whole night as we struggled to keep her in the bed under the lights. To date I can't talk about that time without crying.  Two weeks after that she became colicky culminating in day and night screaming while I tried to eliminate all dairy products and waited for the acid reflux medicine to kick in. That was a hard time. Beyond hard. Here was this baby I loved more than life itself who I simultaneously desperately wanted to shut up. As I tried to talk through all the emotions and the struggles I was having with friends I found no support. They didn't have my experiences and they just couldn't understand. Try as they might I knew they thought I was screwing this up royally. Lacking any of the support of the first four things listed I faced failure like I'd never experienced. I'm so grateful that God chose that time to come alongside me and help me make it through. Because He was all I had. Veteran moms, friends of new mom, family of new mom...you do not know what new mom is facing. Every woman's struggle is unique to her. So before you jump on a judging bandwagon...stop. Believe the best in her even when she doesn't. Tell her how proud you are of her because this mothering thing is HARD. Let her know you see what she's doing and you think she is amazing. Help her see she is not a monster for struggling. Give her a hug. Send her a note. Offer to come help around the house. Whatever. Just don't judge her. Because we are all her.

 If you are like me the one question I found myself asking over and over was and still is, "Am I screwing this up?"  I love these two little kiddos that God has given me more than words can express and I cannot bear the thought of them growing up not knowing momma loves me, momma is proud of me, momma believes in me. Do you ever feel that pressure to? That desperate prayer, "God, I know I'm screwing this up left and right but please just make sure they know I love them."? Me too. So what do you say we partner together? Let's encourage each other, support each other, believe in each other. New moms, rally around each other! No one can commiserate better than someone who is in the thick of it right beside you. Veteran moms, we want to be you. So lend us your experience, encourage us, tell us what a great job you think we're doing! Who knows, we might even ask you for some advice ;)

I'd like to end with this: 

"The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children."  

(Jessica Lange)

Jessica Lange

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jessicalan364785.html#BWogk2lOi4DQ0

Compari-sin

I have been affectionately dubbed, "The World's Slowest Eater" by friends and family alike. There might be some truth to the name...I can't help it. I enjoy food too much! Matt has accused me of thinking about food, good food mind you, a little too much. Guilty.  I have been known to dream of key lime pie or a really good cup of coffee. And once it arrives I have to savor every bite.  The fact that I talk a lot doesn't really help my cause though. Either way, it's normal for me to still be eating while everyone around me is finished.

Interestingly, I don't just do this with food. I also like to take my time and mull over ideas and challenges I might be facing. Some call it over thinking...I like to call it doing an in depth analysis :)  Matt did a series this past summer on comparison...and you guessed it, ever since then I've been mulling over this whole concept and am not even finished yet! I started on what I thought was a simple, straight forward journey only to discover myself like Alice tumbling down a rabbit hole.

Comparison is so completely ingrained into our brains that unless you really spend sometime paying attention to it, you may not realize how often it occurs. Facebook is jam packed full of comparison opportunities!  Friend A is on vacation in Florida. Friend B just bought a new car. Friend C is having awesome quiet times with God. Friend D is pregnant. Friend E is losing weight. Friend F (who is really more of an acquaintance) has the coolest selfies ever!! How does she do that?!

The bottom line of the series Matt did was, "There is no win in comparison.". Brilliant. Convicting, but brilliant just the same. See, whether we mean to or not, when we start comparing someone loses. Either you decide that you win (your vacation is in fact cooler, your selfie is better and you are winning!) so the other person loses. OR, you decide that you lose (your life is just not as cool as theirs). You are either creating pride in yourself or insecurity. But either way, you lose.

As I became increasingly aware of my comparison crutch I realized how often my mood depended on my "rank". Weight is a great example. In January Matt and I made the decision to stop eating processed foods on the whole. We still eat them some, don't judge us. Take out the sugar and take out the dairy and voila! Weight starts falling off. Hooray, I think! I'm pumped that I'm sticking to our new commitment to healthier foods, I'm proud of myself for making this change, even though it isn't easy and yes, I'm psyched to be dropping poundage. That is until a friend tells me how much weight she's lost. And it's more than me. Wah-wah-waaaah!!! Suddenly, the air goes out of my balloon. I compared and I lost.

I'll give you another example. Pregnancy for me was, with both children, hard. With Ellie, we just didn't know anything about the uterus she was in and whether it would carry well or not. With James, we knew the uterus he was in was small and that there was a high likelihood of him being very premature and possibly not surviving. I always wanted the fun, relaxing pregnancy I thought others had. I wanted it to be a joyful time of celebration not a stressful time of learning to trust God and grow. But it was. And, just for the record, now I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now being the key word. Then? Not so much. I watched other women have these normal pregnancies, normal babies, normal adjustment periods to bringing babies home and I would get so angry that I couldn't have that experience. I compared and I lost.

*Sigh* See, comparison leads to sin. Always. It leads to jealousy. It leads to resentment. It leads to discontentment. It leads to pride. It leads to insecurity. It leads to so many yucky, hard to pull out sins. And it is SO sneaky!!  I saw an article the other day about celebrities DE-photoshopped. One of those, here they are all magazine perfect and here they are really (complete with cellulite, or saggy skin or less than perfect breasts, whatever).  I read it and without realizing it I found myself thinking, "See? They're no better than me! They just have photoshop!". That's what comparison does, it brings the other person down so I can feel superior...or at least equal. 

So, what's the answer? It's really quite simple, but notice I did not say easy. Those are two very different things. I actually learned the solution from my non-verbal communications professor at SIUC. He said one of the biggest mistakes we make is to think in terms of 'either/or'. The answer is either A or B. I am either better or worse. You get the idea. Instead he suggested that we think in terms of BOTH. 

She is beautiful. I am beautiful. We are both beautiful.

She chose to return to work post baby. I chose to stay home post baby. We are both good mommies.

She runs 4 miles a day. I walk around the block. We are both trying to be healthy.

She is smart. I am smart. We are both smart.

See, your accomplishments don't have to diminish another person. And their accomplishments don't have to diminish you.  They can be more organized than you are without you being less than them. You can be more ambitious than they are without them being less than you. So you have a college degree and they didn't finish high school. Big deal, you're both still good, smart, capable people. She paints her nails and loves getting dolled up and you rarely venture out of your pajamas. So what? You're both still amazing women. You like sports and she doesn't. Okay. Good for both of you! 

God made us each to be unique and distinct, not carbon copies of each other. And that's what comparing brings us down to. Comparing assumes that there is a right way and wrong way to be. And there just isn't. Italian food isn't better than Mexican food. Running isn't better than kickboxing. Blue isn't better than green. Coffee isn't better than tea. We are what we are and we are all good. Celebrate it! Celebrate you, celebrate them, just have a big 'ole party up in here!

Next time you find yourself pulling rank on another person, stop. You are both of great value. In fact, Jesus taught that you are so valuable (each and every person!) that God sent his one and only Son to die on the cross for you. For me. All so we could have a relationship with our Creator. God isn't comparing you to anyone because He only ever created you to be you. So...BE YOU...it's one comparison you're guaranteed to win every time ;)

If you're melancholy and you know it clap your hands (although you probably won't because that calls way too much attention to yourself)!

I have not posted in what feels like forever. Mostly because every time I would go to write something I would remember that I had promised posts on personalities and then I would get into a "I'm such a bad blogger" funk that I would then continue to not write. Ever been there? Maybe not in terms of a blog but as a friend, a wife/husband, a sister/brother, mom/dad, student...it could be a long list. It's that moment when our minds become our prison and we are paralyzed by our bad-ness so we continue to do nothing. Some of you aren't wired that way so you're sitting there thinking, "Oh for Pete's sake! Just DO something!". Others are already drudging up every moment in your life where you felt overwhelmed with failure. It's all in how you're programmed, I suppose that's why I love learning about how God wired us.

Every personality has it's struggles. No one "type" is better than another and each person has their own mental prison. It looks different for everyone. But here's what I know, God did not intend for any of us to have to live in that mental prison. He did not intend for there to be relational conflict caused by our differences. That's all something that happened when sin entered the world. Which sucks but since it's reality the best thing we can do is work to continually understand each other. We won't always agree...after all understanding is not synonymous with agreement. But it does cultivate respect for each other, love for each other and most definitely peace within ourselves.  It allows us to take off the victim hat (I must have done something or be something wrong for them to have responded that way) and be secure in ourselves knowing their response has nothing to do with us, it has to do with them.

Most people are a blend of 2 personalities but we are going to kick off with the individual types and then we'll get to blends later. We're going to start with the melancholy personality.  I should issue a warning though...no one likes to be placed in a box but melancholy's especially don't like it. So, if you're reading this and you're already offended that I would even try to place you into a group without even knowing you (keeping in mind that you would probably say no one really knows you)...you're probably a melancholy :)

The title melancholy is a little misleading.  It sounds so...down. But the reality is that the name melancholy actually references your deep emotions. Whether you express them or not you feel a lot.  As you'll find with all personalities your greatest gift can also be your greatest enemy.  Your ability to feel things deeply makes you incredibly gifted at empathy.  If you aren't careful, a little too good at empathy. When a friend suffers a loss, your empathy can be a tremendous gift to your friend...but when you start acting as though you suffered the loss...well you can see how it can be taking things a little too far!

When those emotions take control you can't even watch the evening news without walking away in a funk. The question is always, who is in control here? When you control your emotions, your ability to connect with feelings is beautiful. When your emotions control you, it's hard to function.  You are at the mercy of your whims...up for a period of time and then crashing for a period of time. You can't move beyond relational conflict, no one "understands" you, martyrdom is in full force.  Forget forgiveness! You mentally (and probably to all your friends) rehash that argument, that action, that whatever over and over and over again, reliving the hurt. You may say you want to move forward but you keep talking about it. And in some ways, it feels good. The pain is almost like an old friend that comforts you. Move on? Let that person get away with that? Clearly you don't understand the depth of the pain they inflicted! They hurt me! Truly forgiveness is difficult for melancholies.

So, we know now that you feel deeply in a way that can be a great blessing...or a curse, all depending on how you use it. What else do we know? Melancholies are very meticulous and generally a perfectionist. This looks different though for the two different types of melancholies. Some are outwardly organized and some are inwardly organized.

The outwardly meticulous melancholy is probably an accountant or some other equally detailed job. They love order and routine. They believe there is a right way and a wrong way to do things therefore how you do something matters (because it's either right or wrong). They may iron their jeans. They need a clean space to function well.

The inwardly meticulous melancholy is probably an artist or a musician or something truly creative. They may look messy and not put together at all but in their mind they have every detail worked out. It's what allows an artist to paint or draw so well...they've already planned out every step of how to get to the finished product. They have a process, a routine, an order that makes total sense to them even if it doesn't to anyone else. They do things a certain way because they believe it is the right way (even if only for themselves).

A melancholy does not produce shoddy work. They may take a long time to get something done (because it has to be just right) but you can count on a quality product when finished.  If for some reason they do submit something below standards you can be guaranteed they are frustrated/angry that they did. Although they probably won't tell you that because melancholies generally think and feel much more than they speak. 

As you can imagine, the burden to always be perfect or right can be a tough one to carry. So, melancholies can seem overly serious and have a hard time lightening up. But they appreciate the beauty of the world like no one else. Nature, art, music, a good book...these things all carry so much more meaning to a melancholy.

Ever seen the movie City of Angels with Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan? There is a scene where all the "angels" gather at the ocean at sun rise because they hear the most beautiful music with every sun rise. Melancholies are like that. The level of appreciation they feel for nature (like a sunrise) or for a painting or a good song or a brilliant novel is unmatched. 

Here are the cliff notes on our friends the beautiful melancholy:

At their best a melancholy is...

- Empathetic

- Organized

- Striving for excellence

- Appreciative

At their worst a melancholy is...

- Easily depressed

- Nit picky

- Perfectionist

-Unforgiving

*Please note, all references to "depression" are not referring to the medical condition, rather they are describing a temporary emotional state.